DEAR NATALIE: My wife has been ill for some time and while I love her deeply, we aren’t able to be intimate at this point in our lives. The thought of not having sex for months – or even years – has me incredibly nervous. Trying to be proactive, I started looking online for sex dolls. I thought this would be a fine compromise. I ordered one recently and while I haven’t had the nerve yet to engage with it, I’m more anxious about telling my wife that it exists. We don’t sleep in the same bedroom due to her health issues, but I am honestly feeling like having ordered the doll makes me a “cheater.” I think telling her would hurt her feelings. At the same time, I don’t want to hide things from her. Only my best friend knows and he said it’s not a big deal and that I shouldn’t tell her. He’s divorced, so it's easy for him to say. I don’t know how long my wife has left and I don’t want to feel even worse about her situation than I know she already does. What should I do? – SEX DOLL OR DON’T
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DEAR SEX DOLL OR DON’T: I am so sorry to hear about your wife and what this has done to your marriage. I feel for both of you. It is important to remember, however, that your sexuality belongs to you. Having sexual desires is a part of being human, and is nothing to be ashamed of. While we share ourselves with our partners, you still belong to you. What do you consider cheating? Does this object keep you from cheating? In the past, how have you communicated about your sex life together? These are a few of the questions that swirled through my mind after reading your letter. The boundaries you set up in your marriage are the ones that will help you answer these questions. If you tell her and she says not to use it, then what? Would you use it behind her back? Would that cause you or her harm if you did? Is it fair for her to even make that demand on you? While she is sick, she must understand that you have needs. As long as you are attentive and loving when you spend time with her and don’t allow this object to come between you, what is the harm? If you don’t tell her, will you feel guilty? Will that guilt lead you to tell her, anyway? It sounds as though you care deeply for your wife and love her. Just be honest with her about where you are. She may feel sad or rejected. She may feel hurt that she isn’t able to give to you in that way. She may feel relief. You really won’t know until you discuss it. Put it on the table and see what happens. The conversation – not the doll.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband, Dylan, was caught cheating on me by his brother. Dylan had taken his girlfriend out to dinner and his brother happened to be at the restaurant. His brother assumed they were just friends and so he told me what he saw. When I confronted my husband, he broke down and admitted that he has been seeing this other woman for three years. Three. Years. We’ve been married 12 years and I thought we were happy. We have two little girls. Needless to say, I am heartbroken and disgusted that he could lie to me for so long. What’s worse, the woman didn’t know about me. When she found out, she dumped him. I know all of this to be true because she called me to apologize. She was furious with Dylan. He travels a lot for work so I assumed his business dinners or weekends away from the family were for work. Many of them were not. Now that she has left him, he is begging me for a second chance. I am torn. I am so hurt and furious with him, but I still love him and I am thinking of our children. What should I do? My friends think I’m crazy for even considering it. What do you think? – IN LOVE LIMBO
DEAR IN LOVE LIMBO: No one should dictate how you want to approach your marriage or his infidelity. If you feel as though you need to try all the options before deciding whether to stay or go, then do that. Go to therapy. Make sure he does, too. Try couples counseling. Have the hard conversations. Take a family vacation. Do whatever it is that you need to do to feel as though you have regained some power here. Remember, he’s the one that needs to prove to you that things can be different. What led him to cheat in the first place, and can those conditions change in the future? What concerns me is not only that he had a years-long affair, but that he lied to both of you about it. This duplicity is a huge red flag for me. I'm glad you recognize that his (now ex) girlfriend is your ally, not your enemy, in this. You deserve to have control in terms of what happens next. The words “I’m sorry” are easy to say. Repairing the damage and rebuilding trust takes a lot longer. Let’s see if he can actually walk the walk. In the meantime, he needs to walk over to the couch where he will be sleeping for the foreseeable future. But, if it was me? All his clothes would be on the front lawn by now. And I’d be running the mower.
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