DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have very different sex drives. He could have sex every day if he could, but I’m definitely more of a once-a-weekish kind of guy. Recently, we got into (yet another) discussion about our mismatched sex drives and he came up with an interesting idea. He thinks he should get a boyfriend. At first, I was taken aback by this suggestion. But now, I’m wondering if it’s a solution to our problem. We've been married for almost 25 years. He’s a wonderful man and we raised two beautiful children together. I love him. I don’t want to divorce and neither does he. But we’ve been monogamous for our entire marriage. Do you think this is a good idea, or would it open the door to more issues and more reasons for therapy? –CONSCIOUSLY STAYING COUPLED

DEAR –CONSCIOUSLY STAYING COUPLED: I guess the question isn’t so much whether or not this is a “good” idea, but whether or not you feel as though this is the solution. What happens if the boyfriend wants more than sex? What happens if your husband forms a deep emotional bond with this other person? Are you ready for those kinds of conversations? I am not against the idea of an open marriage, but significant boundaries have to be put into place, along with conversations surrounding sexual safety and mutual respect. Your husband also needs to be very transparent with whomever he decides to engage with so that they understand the casual nature of this relationship and do not expect things to progress emotionally or otherwise, unless you're really ready to change the nature of your relationship. Both of you should have the opportunity to share at any point if you aren’t comfortable with this new relationship and pull the plug on it. If you are already going to therapy as a couple, I suggest you continue as new feelings and challenges may arise. I do applaud you for being willing to try and give him what he needs, but don’t lose yourself in this situation, either. You are his husband and should be treated as the number one priority on his list. 

DEAR NATALIE: I found out that I was pregnant after the condom broke during a one-night stand recently. I had an abortion – lucky to live in a state where that is still legal – as I have no interest in motherhood at this stage of my life. I didn’t tell the guy I slept with because we weren’t in a relationship and he wasn’t someone that I wanted to pursue anything with. Well, my bestie told me I was wrong for not telling him and then she encouraged me to DM him on Instagram and tell him that we needed to talk. So, he and I met for coffee and I shared with him what happened. He was totally relieved and thanked me for reaching out and offered to pay for the abortion. I appreciated that and said we could split what the bill was and that he could Venmo me. That was two weeks ago. He hasn’t responded at all and I feel really awkward reaching out to him about it. Should I just let it go? My friend thinks I should definitely follow up with him but this is so weird. I want to put it all behind me. Is that wrong? I don’t want to keep talking to him, or drag things out about this. What should I do? –AWKWARD VENMO-MENT

DEAR AWKWARD VENMO-MENT: You need to do what feels best for you. If you are over this whole situation and don’t want to keep rehashing it or reconnecting with this guy that you don’t have any interest in, just move on. While it was the right thing for him to do to offer to help pay for the procedure – after all, it wasn’t an immaculate conception – I understand why you want to just put this to rest. If you do want to nudge him one more time, there is a Venmo feature that allows you to send a reminder, so you don’t have to actually communicate directly with him. But, otherwise, I agree with letting it go so that you can move forward. It sounds as though you were firm in your decision but if any emotions arise, it is okay to sit with them, too. It’s also okay to reach out for support if you need it at any point. Life is funny and certain things can trigger us in ways we don’t expect. Be well and take good care of yourself.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: My partner of seven years has a bad habit of making fun of me in front of my family and friends. They like to put me down and “joke” about how I can’t sing (I know, so random) or can’t boil water – or how I even fold the laundry wrong. The truth is, I’m not domestic and not talented in those ways like they are, but I have a lot of other things I bring to the table. When we are alone, they treat me really well. This is why it is hurtful and confusing. It’s like when I say something to them in private about it after the fact, they act like I am totally overreacting and that it is “no big deal.” I don’t want to get resentful but I am starting to feel unloved and unwanted, which is making me less interested in them sexually, too. We haven’t had sex in a few months and I know it’s partly because of how they treat me.  I can’t get excited when someone is being mean. When they ask me to have sex, I make up an excuse because I’m embarrassed to tell them yet again why I am uninterested. Any ideas on how to make this work? I do love them and want to get this relationship back on track. –JUST BE NICE

DEAR JUST BE NICE: Instead of waiting until after the fact to tell them how you feel, try doing it in the moment. The next time they try to embarrass you in front of someone else, call them out right then and there. I don’t like bullies and this sounds a lot like bullying and gaslighting to me. Your partner should treat you with respect, love and kindness whether you are alone or in public. It shouldn’t matter. And if they ask to have sex, say something like, “Treating me with love and respect is what turns me on. And the way you treat me around our friends is a total turn-off. Show me you are working on yourself and then we can be together. Otherwise, I can’t get beyond the rude remarks you have made to me.” If they say you are overreacting, push back. There is no room for disrespectful treatment. You have told them it bothers you. If they can’t get it together, reevaluate who they are and if this relationship is worth it.   

DEAR NATALIE: My mom and sister have a horrible relationship – they are both very “conflict avoidant” so there are years of things broiling up under the surface of our family dynamic that no one talks about. (I learned that term in therapy). A lot of the interactions between them are very charged and tense, although seemingly insignificant. I feel like I’m in the middle because I have positive relationships with both of them – I see both of their sides. However, I also see the ways in which they’re causing the problem with their behavior. Neither of them are receptive to me sharing with them what I think they could be doing differently, neither of them will go to therapy. I genuinely want to be there for both of them and I want them to feel heard, but I want to be careful about taking sides. I don’t know how to take sides. I wish they could deal with it but I know I can’t make them do that. Every time we’re all together, I worry about how it will go and it’s stressful. Our dad died years ago so it is just the three of us. I know deep down they love each other, but how can I get us to a better place? We are all we have.

–SAD SIS

DEAR SAD SIS: You have to take a big step back. You are not going to care more about fixing this than they do. If they won’t go to therapy, if they aren’t receptive to what you say, and if they continue to dance like this, let them. It is not your job to fix this. In fact, I would make it clear that you are setting a boundary. While you love them both and will continue to spend time with them individually, if they can’t get it together or be kind to each other when the three of you are together, you won’t hang out with them at the same time. If this bothers them, too bad. You aren’t obligated to waste your emotional energy on this situation, either. If they want to complain to you and have no plan to improve the dynamic, I would shut down the conversation. Take control of this. You don’t have to put up with their nonsense and I would remind them that that's the case. They either get support from an outside individual or they whine about it to someone else.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: My sisters and I are extremely competitive. This was just how we were raised. When we were kids, it caused a lot of anxiety because my mother would pit us against each other and call out her “favorite” of the moment based on who was excelling at school, looked skinny or had a boyfriend. My oldest sister has a bad eating disorder because of it, while my youngest sister is twice-divorced after marrying men that my mother approved of just to win her affection. We have a family reunion coming up in August and I am desperately trying not to go. I know if I don’t go, my whole family will talk about me relentlessly and probably accost me afterward. We are an incredibly tight-knit family and I see my sisters and mother almost daily. I am having major anxiety about being around everyone at once because I recently was laid off from a high-paying corporate job. I received a decent severance and would like to travel for the summer without my family knowing. I need a break from them. How do I maneuver this situation, knowing how challenging it is to have any sort of private life? My mom’s house is literally across the street from mine. I feel totally suffocated and not sure what to do with my life. Any suggestions for how to deal with my overbearing family? – LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: You are allowed to miss the family reunion and take a solo vacation to spend some time to reconnect with yourself. You are allowed to move further away, too. You are allowed to limit your communication to once every other day – or even to once a week – if your family is toxic. This level of competition with your sisters has clearly taken its toll on all of you. I would recommend therapy if you haven't already explored this option. You don’t have to live under your mother’s thumb or under the scrutiny of your sisters who are all vying for her love. Put down the sword and walk away. You can still love them from a distance, but you are allowed to love yourself the most. 

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-wife and I have a very amicable relationship. We share two boys and live in the same neighborhood, so our kids can come and go as they please. It’s easy and it works for us.We have dinner together every Sunday (for the kids’ sake) to keep a family-like experience for them. We still go to each other’s in-laws for birthdays and holidays. We are still a family. I will always love her. We just met when we were very young and grew apart. There really wasn’t anything else to say. We were together for 18 years, married for 12 of them. (Happily married for ten). My new girlfriend is unhappy with how much time we spend together. I have invited her to events and outings so she can see how platonic it is, but she isn’t buying it. I don’t know what to do. I love her and want to be together. But she is starting to give me ultimatums that are making me uncomfortable. What should I do? Appease my new partner or stick by the mother of my children? I’m not sure how to navigate the waters here.

– MODERN FAMILY 

DEAR MODERN FAMILY: When you date someone with kids, you have to take everyone’s experiences and relationships into account. If she doesn’t want to date someone who has bags to carry, she should date someone who has a simpler situation — i.e., no kids or ex-wife. The reality is, your ex-wife is going to be in your life forever because you have children together. Even though one chapter is over, she’s still in your book. I would have a heart-to-heart with your new partner and reiterate to her that you love her and that you respect her, but that she has to understand that you and your kids are a package deal. Instead of her giving you an ultimatum, it may be time that you stood up for yourself in this situation. Do you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex? Do you want to continue Sunday dinners and family outings together? Do you enjoy this seemingly peaceful relationship dynamic with your ex? If the answer is yes, then your new partner has to accept it for what it is. She doesn't have to be “besties” with your ex – and neither do you. Establishing healthy boundaries is good for everyone. And raising well-adjusted children who see how relationships can flourish, even in the face of change, is important. Honoring your relationship in its new form also matters. If your new partner can’t overcome her insecurities – assuming you are providing reassurance of your love and fidelity to her – then she may not be the right fit for you and your family.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga