Ask Natalie

DEAR NATALIE: When should I hit “mute”? A friend called me recently in tears about her friend’s roommate and an infographic he had shared online about the crisis going on in Israel and Palestine. Basically, what he had been posting online seemed like a red flag to her and she was upset that he was posting without having a lot of knowledge on the situation. Later that day, another friend called me upset about what their friend had shared online! I feel like people expressing their political beliefs or perspectives on global events is tearing apart their relationships. I don’t use Instagram much but it seems like it’s doing more harm than good. How can I talk to my friends about this? I don’t think it’s healthy for them to decide it’s time to kick people out of their lives because of what they’re sharing online, even though I get where they’re coming from. What would you do? – HEAVY HEART

DEAR HEAVY HEART: What I have been noticing on social media over the past few weeks is a desire from people to be heard – but not a desire to listen. The media being put up, pulled down, contradicted and retracted is enough to make your head spin. With AI, posts traveling at light-speed, and disinformation spreading at a furious pace, it's a recipe for disaster. Passions are running hot right now. In moments of despair, fear and utter disillusionment towards the state of humanity, it is easy to see why people are spiraling. What we need right now is deliberate action. We need it in the real world context as well as online. Before posting, ask yourself – is this kind? Is this true? Is this necessary? If not – is my voice needed at this moment? I want to give everyone another level of space and grace right now because people are being bombarded with terrible news at every turn and we are not able to process this amount of grief, rage and fear. I would encourage you to take this approach with your friends. Let them know that you are here for them. You want to listen to what they have to say, but you want them to take time away from the internet so that they can take care of their own mental health. Help them find causes they can donate to, organizations they can join or events to participate in that can direct their energy into something useful and productive. You don’t owe the world a meme or a post. Sometimes, there is something to be learned from the silence.

DEAR NATALIE: My new sister-in-law has kids from a previous marriage and I absolutely love them. They are these incredibly sweet little girls and I am so happy for my brother. He has this “instant family” that he always wanted. His wife is a little strange and very religious while he is not. It seems to work for them fine and so I stay out of it. As long as he’s happy, I’m happy. The girls – ages 5 and 7 – came over last night and I thought it would be fun to watch an age-appropriate “scary movie” since Halloween is almost here. They loved it. They had never seen “Hocus Pocus” and we had the best night eating candy, popcorn and snuggling. Well, I woke up this morning to a very, very long text from my brother’s wife. She doesn’t believe in Halloween. She thinks it is demonic to watch any scary movie and has never let her daughters participate in the holiday. She was incredibly mad at me because the younger daughter has been playing “witch” in the yard with her sister, making spells out of the mud. This is adorable kid stuff. But now my brother is upset with me because he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his new wife. I get it – but how was I to know that this would cause such an issue? I also don’t agree with her or her beliefs and think it will do a lot more harm than good in the long run with her daughters. How do I apologize for something I don’t feel as though I should have to apologize for? I want to have my step-nieces in my life. I want to get along with his wife. How do I make this right? – BAD SPELL

DEAR BAD SPELL: While you may not agree with how she is raising her daughters, you may have to accept it in order to keep the peace. Having you in their lives will at least provide a different perspective on how there are many ways to live and be happy. I would call your sister-in-law and tell her that you didn’t know she didn’t celebrate Halloween. Make it clear that in the future, you will respect her boundaries and ask if there are any other things you should be aware of when hanging out with your nieces. You want to be mindful and respectful of her and how she is raising them, while also still having as much fun as you can together. Tread lightly and get to know your sister-in-law. It takes time to build trust and mutual understanding. Keep an open heart and an open door for your nieces to share with you, as well.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Check out her new radio show every Saturday from 2-5pm EST on KDKA Radio 1020AM, 100.1FM or stream it on the Audacy app or at kdkaradio.com

Watch her new video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Facts Over Fear on their website, penncapital-star.com

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend’s mother is out to get me. She really doesn’t like me. I think she knows we are “serious” and will most likely get engaged this year and she has been pulling out all the stops to end our relationship. She says to me that “I’m not good enough” for her son, that “I am not pretty enough” and that I am not “intellectual enough” to sustain a long term relationship or marriage with him. We’ve been happily together for three years and he is the love of my life. I know he would do anything for me and tries to shield me from her as best as he can. He is a mama’s boy – and admits it! – so I think part of the issue is that she is jealous of our relationship. I know that sounds weird, but that’s the feeling I get. She has even tried to set him up on other dates with her friends’ daughters to see if he will end things with me. I don’t know why she dislikes me so much other than the fact that we are an interracial couple. I love him and want to marry him but the idea of our future kids having her for a grandmother really makes me nervous. Any advice on how to win her over? –MOM NEEDS TO TAKE A SEAT

DEAR MOM NEEDS TO TAKE A SEAT: His mom sounds racist and I don’t know if there is much you can do other than keep your distance. The coded language of you not being “pretty” or “good enough" for her son definitely raises eyebrows. You shouldn’t have to deal with this from anyone, let alone the mother of the man you may marry. If you are set on him being the one, then you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with him about this situation. Be honest and open about what is going on. I understand he may be a “mama’s boy” but if he can’t take your side at this moment, what makes you think he will ever take your side once you are married? Another thing to consider – your future children will be biracial – how will she treat them? Is this someone you would want to have around your babies? A lot goes into considering marriage. You aren’t just marrying him, you are marrying his whole family. Is this truly the family you want to call your own?  

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years and while I love him, I am no longer in love with him. Everyone says we are the “perfect couple” and it breaks my heart to know that I have emotionally moved on. We haven’t been intimate in months and I know he wonders why I have become so cold towards him, but I am just not interested in him anymore. To make things more complicated, I have started to see someone behind his back. This person excites me in a way that he never did. We married very young because I was pregnant, and while he has been a wonderful father and husband, I have never felt that “passion” like I do with this new person. I’m 58 years old now and don’t want to live the rest of my life in a loveless and sexless marriage. Our kids are grown and I think will take his side in all of this. How do I make everyone understand that this is for the best? I don’t want to alienate my children, either. –TOUGH CHOICES 

DEAR TOUGH CHOICES: Put your affair on hold and sort things out at home. You owe it to your husband to let him know how you feel and what you want from this life. It's also possible that he hasn't been as happy in this marriage as he would like to be. Divorce is one of the biggest decisions you can make in life and transitions can be hard. Don’t make this worse by betraying him and everything you built over these past three decades. Explain to him that you aren’t happy and that you can’t continue on this way. After you discuss this with him, you will need to talk to your kids as a family. They may be adults, but they deserve to hear this from you both. I hope you find what you are looking for and can take this next chapter to do what makes you happy. There are many women who hit this phase of life and realize how much of their life was spent taking care of others and catering to other people’s needs. I understand your desire to strike out on your own and do what you want to do. But don’t burn the bridges you worked so hard to build with the people that love you. Step back from the affair, reassess your values and be honest with your spouse about your future. He deserves at least that much. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Check out her new radio show every Saturday from 2-5pm EST on KDKA Radio 1020AM, 100.1FM or stream it on the Audacy app or at kdkaradio.com

Watch her new video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Facts Over Fear on their website, penncapital-star.com

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: I’m tired of being concerned about COVID. I’m in my early 30s, single, and open to dating – which was never a big deal for me before 2020, but now it’s so logistically complicated. I want to continue putting my health first and I don’t mind suggesting meeting up with new people in outdoor spaces while it’s still warm out, but I feel like conversations about exclusivity are coming up earlier than they normally would because I’m so concerned about how much spit-swapping is going on. I live alone and work from home, so my risk level is relatively low, but it’s now two people that I’ve dated with kids who have gotten COVID at the beginning of the school year. I don’t want to stop seeing someone just because they have COVID, but it definitely kills the vibe when we’ve just started hanging out. With cases being high, I’d like to meet someone with similar risk mitigation approaches to me. (Yes, I online date!) How can I approach building new relationships and knowing when to weed out the ones who don’t prioritize safety like I do? – COVID CAUTIOUS DATE 

DEAR COVID CAUTIOUS DATE: Like everything it seems these days, dating has also become more serious. People are more blunt and honest up front about the things that matter to them and that could be seen as a positive. By cutting through the niceties that come along with those first dates, you can accelerate the process to find the right person – if that’s your reason for dating. If you’re just looking for casual fun, dating may be more intense than it used to be. On the plus side, being your authentic self and sharing what’s important to you allows you to weed through those people who aren’t the right fit. If taking COVID precautions are important to you – and I’m glad that they are – then finding someone who also feels like you do will save you a lot of stress in the future. There are people out there who are taking this seriously. They exist. It’s just a matter of finding them. Online dating is a great place to start because you can chat without having to meet in person to see if your values are aligned. If they are, then you can meet somewhere COVID-friendly like a park, on a walk or sit at an outdoor cafe. I know you are tired. I know this is frustrating. But, I’m proud of you for prioritizing the safety and health of you and your community by being cautious. Leading with that care and compassion for yourself and others will undoubtedly make some people uncomfortable. It may even push some away. But the person or people you are meant to meet and have meaningful relationships with will find their way to you. Make space for them and let the rest fall to the wayside.

DEAR NATALIE: I recently entered a casual relationship with someone I work with. We had danced around each other for a while, and we’re both excited to be on the same page with interest in each other. She is my subordinate, but we have both been careful about keeping the relationship appropriate both inside and outside of work. Since we’ve gotten together, one of my other employees has started acting out. She had been difficult to work with for some time before this – and other staff have had problems with her in the past – but now she is taking it out on both of us. I had talked to my higher-ups many months ago about considering firing her. Now, I feel a bit apprehensive about the way she may retaliate and use the fact that I’m dating an employee against me. The way she’s been acting is inappropriate and making the rest of the staff struggle to work with her. I feel that she is overreacting about our relationship and taking it out on the rest of the workplace. What should I do? – WORKPLACE DRAMA 

DEAR WORKPLACE DRAMA: If it’s been a while since you discussed this with your bosses, you may want to revisit that conversation with them. Are you “allowed” to be dating someone in your office? I know it may raise eyebrows in some spaces, but others have actual rules when it comes to dating coworkers or subordinates. You may want to have all of your own ducks in a row before you go to your boss and potentially cause more problems for yourself. In the meantime, can you talk to anyone else about approaching your higher-ups about this situation with your disagreeable co-worker? If other people are also having issues with her, having everything documented and in writing is the best path forward. If there are ways to navigate around her in the meantime, I suggest doing just that.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Check out her new radio show every Saturday from 2-5pm EST on KDKA Radio 1020AM, 100.1FM or stream it on the Audacy app or at kdkaradio.com

Watch her new video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Facts Over Fear on their website, penncapital-star.com

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga