DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend of seven years and I recently broke up. We share a lot of mutual friends and several of our friends are playing “Switzerland.” It ended pretty badly and I have noticed that some of my friends, while they claim to not be taking sides, aren’t texting me or hanging out with me as much. When I asked my one friend about this, he said it was because his girlfriend and my ex are close, so it feels uncomfortable for everyone to be together. Obviously I don’t expect to hangout with my ex – and nor do I want to – but why does this mean I have to lose all of my friends? How do I convince my friends that I need their support, too? – EXED OUT
Advertisement
DEAR EXED OUT: Breakups are messy and whether people want to admit it or not, they do end up taking sides. You shouldn’t have to lose all of your friends because you and your girlfriend broke up, but it can take a minute for the dust to settle. Your friends probably feel awkward about it, as well, and unsure what to do. If you identify a few friends that you are closest to and explain to them that you do not expect them to pick a side, but do want them in your life, see what else they have to say. No one is telling them they have to cut your ex off. This is also a good time to branch out from your social circle, find a new community activity and make some friends independent of this group so that you aren’t as reliant on them for social interaction. In time, people may come around but you don’t (and shouldn’t) have to wait around for them. If they are your real friends, they’ll find a way to connect with you, too.
DEAR NATALIE: My mom was recommended by her specialist to go on a particular diet that may help with her early on-set dementia and other cognitive problems she is having. She doesn’t seem resistant to doing it, but my dad isn’t being supportive at all, and is unwilling to change his diet. She doesn’t drive, so they go grocery shopping together, or he’ll just do the grocery shopping. I have explained to him that this would be easier for her if he joined her and expressed interest in changing his diet with her – but since she still does most of the cooking, she is mostly concerned with cooking for him. I know I can’t control him, but it’s hard for me to watch her decline and for him to avoid any potential ways to support her. How can I nudge him, or find other ways to help her deal with this? – FOOD FOR THOUGHT
DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Old habits die hard and your father may be in denial about the situation, which is why he is resistant to making any changes. Is there a way you can help create a weekly grocery list to take any guesswork out of it? And since your mother is still cooking, she may be comfortable cooking the same things she always has. This might feel like a source of comfort for her, as well. So, can we introduce foods into smoothies for her that your dad can make her? Perhaps just doing one introduction a day of these foods could be a way to incorporate some of them without overwhelming your parents. Did your doctor provide resources, like a nutritionist, that specializes in cognitive-supportive diets? If you dad learns why these foods are important for your mom, maybe he will be more inclined to show support. Can you help meal prep once a week for your mom so she has a lunch, for instance, already prepared? As her condition worsens, it won’t be a bad idea for your dad to learn how to make some basic staples, as well. Shifting into a caretaker role can be challenging, heartbreaking, difficult and frustrating. If he is open to finding a support group or a therapist, now would be the time so that he can prepare for what is to come. None of this is easy, so try to give them both space and grace as they continue down this unfamiliar path.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.
Check out her new radio show every Saturday from 2-5pm EST on KDKA Radio 1020AM, 100.1FM, stream it on the
Audacy app or at www.kdkaradio.com
Watch her new video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Facts Over Fear: www.penncapital-star.com
Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok
@NatalieBencivenga