DEAR NATALIE: I was the “other woman” for a long time. I was dating a married father of two who told me he was going to leave his wife – which never happened. Regrettably, I stayed with him longer than I should have. Recently, I ran into him and his wife at a restaurant. (It’s a small town). She followed me into the ladies’ room and told me she “knew who I was.” I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to do. She said that I should just “disappear” and “hated what I did” to her family. I told her that I wasn’t the married one and that her husband was to blame. Her eyes got huge and then I realized that she didn’t know for sure it had been me. I think she was testing waters to see what I would do. She started sobbing and said she found me on social media after going through her husband’s DMs and wanted to know if it was true. She asked me if I would confront her husband with her. I said absolutely not. She pulled it together and left the bathroom. I waited in there and could hear them fighting in the restaurant. I think they were asked to leave. When I came out, they were gone. Since then, she’s been calling me and leaving me these nasty messages. I know she’s angry with me, but what about her husband? Should I confront him and tell him what is going on? It is starting to feel like harassment. I don’t want him in my life, but I’m not sure what to do. – MISTAKE MADE
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DEAR MISTAKE MADE: Block her number and block her on social media to start. If that helps to calm things down, I wouldn’t pull your ex back into this simply because less contact with him is best. I hope she is giving him ten times the rage she is sending your way. Think of how she must feel in this moment and try to empathize with her. You were sleeping with the father of her children, her husband, the man she took vows with. He broke her trust. It sounds like he broke her heart, too. Nothing you could say will be able to undo what you both did, so it is best to just keep your distance. In time, they will either find a way to work towards reconciliation or they will divorce. Your involvement will only make things messier. Let this be a lesson to you that even when you aren’t the “married” one, being actively a part of an affair still makes you complicit in the harm caused. Steer clear of this dynamic in the future. No one can build anything solid on a foundation of lies and deceit.
DEAR NATALIE: My lifelong friend who has been married for 29 years recently divorced from her husband. Things were rocky for a few years leading up to their separation, but it had only been three months since their divorce when her ex-husband entered into a new, public relationship. Is that too soon and in poor taste for the man to do something like that? Should I be suspicious about his relations with this new person prior to their divorce? My friend who is going through this hard time doesn’t seem to mind either way because she knows that their separation is best for her, but I’m grappling with my rage on her behalf.
– ANGRY FOR MY FRIEND
DEAR ANGRY FOR MY FRIEND: You sound like a great friend who is supportive and present in someone’s time of need. What your friend needs right now from you is just that. Be there for her to commiserate with but remember this – you can’t care more than they do. If your friend is indifferent, then you can rest easy knowing that she is moving on – so you can, too.
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