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DEAR NATALIE: This is kind of a strange situation and I realize that it sounds incredibly fussy, but it is bothering me nonetheless. About eight years ago, my

ex-fiancé left and it was not an amicable breakup. In a nutshell, he had yelled at me for the preceding 4 months, telling me that I was ungrateful, did not care about his career, etc. Later, I realized that he was a full blown narcissist. After therapy and support from my friends and family, I am doing much better. Here is the strange part: While cleaning out some old papers, I found a children’s story about aliens that l had started and never finished.   I would like to finish it, but I feel weird about it because he proofread what was there and made suggestions. Ironically, he did like it. I just have this odd feeling about concluding it, as if he put his mark on it or something. If I finish it, I would want it to be totally my vision, which it is, but I still feel conflicted. Should I finish it or just tear it up? – MARKED HIS TERRITORY

DEAR MARKED HIS TERRITORY: If this is something that matters to you, then finish it. You are giving this man too much power. This is your vision and your story. So what if he made some suggestions or liked it? Don’t let what happened between you while you were together deter you from completing this post-breakup. He no longer has control over your decisions, so stop giving away your agency to someone who treated you poorly. Reclaim your narrative – both with this book and in your life.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has a horrible habit of picking terrible men one after another. Our friend group has tried over and over again to help her get out of this cycle, but she always seems to gravitate towards men that treat her poorly. She is a wonderful person. She’s intelligent, has a great job and two beautiful children that she raised up into being thoughtful, loving adults. She’s funny and kind. I don’t understand why she can’t see that and why she continues to date men that cause her so much emotional harm. She just started dating someone new and nobody in our friend group likes him. Not only is he sleazy and treats her like an object, but there’s rumors about his finances, too. I think he is glomming onto her for financial security.  She says she’s “in love.” How do we tell her that he is no good for her? We are in our 50s now. Shouldn’t we be beyond all of this, anyway? –BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS

DEAR BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS: If you have shared this information with her in the past about her other boyfriends and she wasn’t receptive to it, then why would this situation be any different? If she asks you for your opinion about this man, then tell her. But if not, you are most likely going to upset her and strain your friendship. Hopefully, you can get to a place where you can share your feelings out of love and concern – but oftentimes it is the messenger who gets attacked and even iced out. For now, I would keep the peace by keeping your opinions to yourself.

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DEAR NATALIE: My best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her. My friend and I saw him with another woman and we took a photo of them kissing without them knowing. We shared it with our friend in a group chat the next day. We thought she would be happy to know, as she had suspicions about him for a while. Well, she was angry. Not at him – but at us! She said we “faked the photo” because we wanted to “ruin her relationship.” She told us that her boyfriend said that we used some editing software to make us look bad. Look, we live in a small town and we know that the truth will come out eventually, but now she has blocked both of us. What can we do to get her to see that he is a total jerk and she would be better off without him?

– FRIEND LOST HER MIND

DEAR FRIEND LOST HER MIND: This is the moment where you realize that no matter what you do, she is going to pick this man over your friendships. Let her. Unfortunately, some people need to come to terms with what they are willing to sacrifice just to have a man in their lives. It’s sad, it’s pathetic and it doesn’t have to be this way. However, your delivery of this photo could have been done better. She may have felt embarrassed by you sending it to her in a group message. Give her a little grace for being defensive and also keep the door open for a potential reconciliation. But, until she learns that a man doesn’t validate her existence, then there isn’t much you can do. 

DEAR NATALIE: A friend of mine recently went through a breakup with her partner of four years. Although it was very obvious that it was best for them to split up, he initiated the break up, which crushed her. Since then, she has been nothing but needy and stuck in a deep, dark place of feeling sorry for herself. She moved out of their shared home into a new apartment. She refuses to hire anyone to help her with odd jobs and only begs for support from the other husbands in our female friend group. She only wants to vent and take up space in our group chat without receiving and internalizing thoughtful advice and support offered from others. Do I have a right to be frustrated or am I being too tough on my friend? – CAN’T DEAL WITH HER

DEAR CAN’T DEAL WITH HER: Breakups can be extremely painful and often bring out the worst in people. She is just spiraling right now and there isn’t much you can do for her in this state. You’ve tried advising her, consoling her and supporting her, so there isn’t much left that you can do other than standby. You are allowed to take a break from her. You don’t have to “ice” her out, but you don’t have to answer every time she calls if you catch my drift. Providing yourself some much needed distance from the situation is healthy. At the end of the day, she is the one that will have to pick herself up and decide how she wants to move forward in the world. Everyone is dealing with their own battles and if she can’t reciprocate to check on her friends and see how they are doing, then this isn’t a friendship, anyway. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I got married over the weekend in a small, intimate ceremony in my hometown. It was a wonderful time with 50 of our closest friends and family members attending. This was the second marriage for both me and my husband and we wanted to keep it romantic but laid back. But not so laid back that people felt like they could show up whenever they wanted. Case in point: My younger sister was 40 minutes late to the ceremony and missed my wedding completely. She claimed she was stuck in traffic, but I could smell wine and I think she was drinking with some friends before heading over to my wedding and lost track of time. I confronted her about this and she was very upset with me. She told me that she didn’t understand what the big deal was, “after all this was my second time around.” That really hurt me. She is always late, anyway, but to miss my whole ceremony and then brush it off felt incredibly hurtful. She wants to get together this weekend. I think she feels embarrassed by how she behaved. I love her, but we’ve always had a tense relationship because she thinks only of herself. How can I move beyond this so that we can get back to having fun together? I feel like I’m unable to move forward and refuse to sweep this under the rug. – LIL SIS MESSED UP

DEAR LIL SIS MESSED UP: You should get together this weekend as planned and just let her know what is on your heart. You are right. You can’t move forward and have a meaningful relationship if you feel hurt and disrespected by her actions. Being ten minutes late to a dinner is one thing, but being 40 minutes late to your wedding is entirely something else. You need to give her the opportunity to apologize so that you can both move forward in friendship and love. If not, this is going to create resentment and bitterness – and life is just too short for that when it comes to your family. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been struggling with my husband, bless his heart, who does not take control of his own healthcare or disease prevention. He is diligent with both his dental and mental healthcare, making regular appointments and check ups. But he won’t budge on making annual appointments for himself with a PCP, dermatologist or any other professional that he may need to see. We are both in our mid 30s and I know that getting screened and monitored at this age is important for early detection of many diseases. I’ve offered to call and make appointments for him, but I really don’t want to mother or enable him or make him depend on me to do this in the future. How can I talk about this with him and make sure that he gets the care he needs? – WORRIED WIFE

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: It can be very challenging to deal with a spouse that won’t seek medical care when they should. How does your husband’s mind work? Does he appreciate facts and figures? Would it help to pull up statistics on how more younger people (under 45) are being diagnosed with colon cancer than ever before? Is he a “tug at your heart strings” kind of guy where reminding him that you love him and want to grow old together could be the thing that changes his mind? Or, is this an ultimatum scenario where he either gets it together or sleeps on the couch for the foreseeable future? You are not his mother and I don’t blame you for not wanting to take on these kinds of responsibilities, but sometimes people need a push in the right direction to overcome their fears. And perhaps fear is at the heart of this. Can you ask him what he’s afraid may happen if he goes to a doctor? I find it interesting that he goes to the dentist (something that a lot of people often put off for various reasons) and that he takes care of his mental health but won’t see a PCP. Ask him what makes those situations different in his mind. Maybe if you can meet him where he’s at you can work through whatever block there is so that he can take control of himself and be the man you need and know him to be.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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