Ask Natalie

DEAR NATALIE: I have a friend from childhood and we have grown apart over the years. She is a lovely person and I care about her greatly, but whenever we are together, all we do is talk about the past. We don’t really have much in common anymore. She has a big birthday coming up and her husband asked me to help him plan it since I’m her “oldest friend.” I think it is ridiculous to ask me considering we only see each other a few times a year – and it is awkward when we do. I feel as though she just doesn’t have many friends and so he is expecting me to be a big part of her celebration. How do I decline to help him with this event? I don’t have the interest or, frankly, the bandwidth.

– PLAN IT YOURSELF

DEAR PLAN IT YOURSELF: I can understand your feelings on this and also I understand why your friend’s husband would think you were a good choice to share in the planning of the event. While the relationship may not be as important to you at this point, she may feel differently and hold you in high regard. Nevertheless, you don’t have to commit to anything you don’t want to do. Perhaps you can handle one item like buying the cake or sending out the invitations? If you do something to stay involved without having to take on the full weight of the event, it may feel less stressful on your end and you may feel less resentful about the situation.

DEAR NATALIE: Have you ever heard of an “askhole?” It’s someone who bombs you with their problems and seemingly wants your advice but doesn’t take it, let alone internalizes when you offer it. This creates a heavy mental load for the receiver – me. I’ve recently been having trouble with an “askhole” whom I love, but I find myself having trouble sustaining the relationship. Is it worth bringing it up to this person who might not even hear me?

– WHAT AN ASKHOLE

DEAR WHAT AN ASKHOLE: We all know that old saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Stop indulging this person every time they ask for your advice. The next time that they call, don’t answer. You are allowed to set a boundary with this person. When they try to be an “askhole,” and want advice, just tell them you aren’t up for giving it. If they ask why, you are allowed to say, “You never listen anyway, so why make us both frustrated?” Is it a bit brutal? Maybe. But you have to break this cycle or you are never going to get out of this. Oftentimes, these people care very little about your life or your problems and it becomes less of a friendship and more transactional, like a therapy session. That isn’t fair to you and that isn’t friendship. Ask yourself: What do you get out of this? If you aren’t sure, take a big step back to reevaluate. Life is too short to deal with an ungrateful askhole.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I have a lovely 28-year-old child who is transgender. My child is open about their transition to those who are likely to be supportive, but they’ve asked me to not say anything to those who would start a fight with them, or even worse, a prayer meeting. This means that we have not told their grandparents whom we see only a few times a year. My question is how to refer to them when talking to people who do not know. Using their/them pronouns has been a challenge for me, not because I’m not supportive, but because I’ve used she/her for over 20 years. But, I’m almost at the point where using the correct pronouns is coming naturally. There are a lot of people in my life who know that I have a “daughter” and will ask how “she” is doing. I don’t want to disrespect my kid by using the wrong gender, but I don’t want to out them either. So far, I’ve been using she/her when talking to people, partially to protect my kid and partially because some people are just jerks and I’m not in the mood to put up with the pushback. But, I’m weary from going back and forth between the two pronouns. I suppose a small part of me cares what other people think. I’ve come a long way though, and I’m caring less and less about others’ opinions. Simultaneously, I’m getting more bold about defending the marginalized. With addressing them to others, what is the right thing to do? -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID 

DEAR -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID: First, I want to applaud you for standing by your child and supporting them during their transition. Coming out as transgender can be challenging for people personally, but it is also politically and physically unsafe in the times we live in. You have a very brave child. When it comes to pronouns and how to address your child to others, follow their lead. Have you asked them how they want to be addressed in casual situations when you are talking with friends? Whatever boundaries they are setting for themselves right now – and those lines may change over time as they feel more comfortable in their identity – ride those waves with them. I have found with the transgender friends I have in my life, just asking them what they want usually clears up a lot of confusion. I had a friend who was not out at work, so I respected that by using the pronouns/name they wanted me to use inside that setting. When they left that job, they told me to please use their preferred pronouns and their new name. Ask your child what they prefer, just like you asked me here. Then, with others, let the chips fall where they may.

DEAR NATALIE: About five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with a variety of health conditions, including a chronic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Many of these genetic, autoimmune conditions are “invisible” to the average person. Since then, she has lost friendships and coped with those that have ebbed and flowed as her needs have evolved. It pains me to see her being treated differently because she is requesting new accommodations or considerations. Aren’t good friends supposed to love you unconditionally? How do you know which ones are worth fighting for? – SAD FOR SIS

DEAR SAD FOR SIS: Good friends are supposed to love you unconditionally – in theory. But the reality is, people can be selfish. They are busy. They are tired. They don’t always move in the ways we want them to. As your sister adjusts to what she needs from friendships in this new phase of life, not everyone is going to adjust with her. Unfortunately, I have seen this with COVID, as well. Some people who no longer take precautions against this debilitating and deadly virus aren’t always going to vibe with people who still are. I would recommend that your sister lean into the people who are pouring into her and back away from those who can’t meet her where she is. If they are actually her friends, then they need to start acting like it. As her sister, you can help to keep her company whenever you can and invite her to hang with you and your friends when you feel she would be able. Chronic illness is a lonely road and not spoken about enough. I hope your sister can find a support group either in person or online to help her connect in new ways and find new communities to engage with.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: This is kind of a strange situation and I realize that it sounds incredibly fussy, but it is bothering me nonetheless. About eight years ago, my

ex-fiancé left and it was not an amicable breakup. In a nutshell, he had yelled at me for the preceding 4 months, telling me that I was ungrateful, did not care about his career, etc. Later, I realized that he was a full blown narcissist. After therapy and support from my friends and family, I am doing much better. Here is the strange part: While cleaning out some old papers, I found a children’s story about aliens that l had started and never finished.   I would like to finish it, but I feel weird about it because he proofread what was there and made suggestions. Ironically, he did like it. I just have this odd feeling about concluding it, as if he put his mark on it or something. If I finish it, I would want it to be totally my vision, which it is, but I still feel conflicted. Should I finish it or just tear it up? – MARKED HIS TERRITORY

DEAR MARKED HIS TERRITORY: If this is something that matters to you, then finish it. You are giving this man too much power. This is your vision and your story. So what if he made some suggestions or liked it? Don’t let what happened between you while you were together deter you from completing this post-breakup. He no longer has control over your decisions, so stop giving away your agency to someone who treated you poorly. Reclaim your narrative – both with this book and in your life.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has a horrible habit of picking terrible men one after another. Our friend group has tried over and over again to help her get out of this cycle, but she always seems to gravitate towards men that treat her poorly. She is a wonderful person. She’s intelligent, has a great job and two beautiful children that she raised up into being thoughtful, loving adults. She’s funny and kind. I don’t understand why she can’t see that and why she continues to date men that cause her so much emotional harm. She just started dating someone new and nobody in our friend group likes him. Not only is he sleazy and treats her like an object, but there’s rumors about his finances, too. I think he is glomming onto her for financial security.  She says she’s “in love.” How do we tell her that he is no good for her? We are in our 50s now. Shouldn’t we be beyond all of this, anyway? –BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS

DEAR BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS: If you have shared this information with her in the past about her other boyfriends and she wasn’t receptive to it, then why would this situation be any different? If she asks you for your opinion about this man, then tell her. But if not, you are most likely going to upset her and strain your friendship. Hopefully, you can get to a place where you can share your feelings out of love and concern – but oftentimes it is the messenger who gets attacked and even iced out. For now, I would keep the peace by keeping your opinions to yourself.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Natalie Bencivenga at Facts Over Fear