Ask Natalie

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been spending more time with one of my newer friends, which includes spending more time at her home with her husband. When we are all together, I’ve noticed that she lashes out at her husband with what sounds like verbal abuse. It’s super awkward to be in the room and I feel compelled to say something. I don’t think we’re at the level yet where it would be appropriate but maybe the level does not exist? As a newer friend, should I have a conversation with her about her behavior? – I DON’T LIKE IT

DEAR I DON’T LIKE IT: I don’t blame you and I wouldn’t like it, either. It is so uncomfortable when you are around people who verbally accost each other. I always think to myself, “If they speak this way in public, how on earth do they talk to each other in private?” Since you are new friends and new to this alarming dynamic, it is no wonder that you feel the need to speak up. I “should” encourage you to keep your opinions to yourself – especially if you want to keep this friend. But if I saw someone being verbally lashed for no good reason, it would be hard for me to just stand there and not make some snarky remark back. I don’t understand why people feel that they can treat others disrespectfully and not get any pushback. Yes, this is her marriage and her husband is the one putting up with it. There could be resentment there because of things he did in the past that is causing her to react this way now. I’m sure there’s a million reasons as to why she might justify treating him poorly in public. Or, she’s just a jerk. In which case, do you really care if you torch this friendship by standing up for him? Maybe a jolt of reality is what she needs. It’s Aries season, after all. Light it on fire.

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a late twenties city-dweller balancing multiple jobs and creative projects. I’m neurodivergent, and know that this important aspect of my identity informs my goals and the way I navigate the world. I don’t vibe with productivity culture, and I wish I didn’t have to have side hustles – or ever have to feel like I am “hustling” in general. But I still struggle with feeling like I can’t measure up to my peers who have accomplished more than I have or have more measurable success. I find myself comparing myself to people older than me, and becoming frustrated that more opportunities were available to them because they grew up in a different economic world. I know this comparison game isn’t useful, but I can’t shake this doomsday attitude about being able to make an impact on the world while also needing to pay my rent, student loans, etc. I’m disheartened by how economically unfeasible it feels to do the whole “buy a house, settle down” thing that I know people around me are doing. How do I shake off this energy so I don’t become angry and bitter with people in my life? It’s not conducive to building anything positive when I feel so negative. – NOT TRYING TO BE BITTER

DEAR NOT TRYING TO BE BITTER: You have every right to feel disillusioned and frustrated by the state of the world. I encourage you, however, not to compare yourself to other people. Everyone is on their own unique journey, facing their own internal and external battles. Assuming someone else has it easier – or worse – assuming an entire generation had it better is a surefire way to feel miserable. Instead, take a step back. What are the things in your life that you can control and work on? What are the things that bring you joy? Where are opportunities for growth that you can dig into? I find that reconnecting with my friends and hobbies that I enjoy helps to recenter me and ground me in the reality of the moment. It is easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” of life which can create anxiety and make you feel paralyzed. Start with small, incremental changes that help you form constructive habits over time. If you can’t run, walk. Can’t walk? Crawl. Just keep moving.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

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Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I have a friend from childhood and we have grown apart over the years. She is a lovely person and I care about her greatly, but whenever we are together, all we do is talk about the past. We don’t really have much in common anymore. She has a big birthday coming up and her husband asked me to help him plan it since I’m her “oldest friend.” I think it is ridiculous to ask me considering we only see each other a few times a year – and it is awkward when we do. I feel as though she just doesn’t have many friends and so he is expecting me to be a big part of her celebration. How do I decline to help him with this event? I don’t have the interest or, frankly, the bandwidth.

– PLAN IT YOURSELF

DEAR PLAN IT YOURSELF: I can understand your feelings on this and also I understand why your friend’s husband would think you were a good choice to share in the planning of the event. While the relationship may not be as important to you at this point, she may feel differently and hold you in high regard. Nevertheless, you don’t have to commit to anything you don’t want to do. Perhaps you can handle one item like buying the cake or sending out the invitations? If you do something to stay involved without having to take on the full weight of the event, it may feel less stressful on your end and you may feel less resentful about the situation.

DEAR NATALIE: Have you ever heard of an “askhole?” It’s someone who bombs you with their problems and seemingly wants your advice but doesn’t take it, let alone internalizes when you offer it. This creates a heavy mental load for the receiver – me. I’ve recently been having trouble with an “askhole” whom I love, but I find myself having trouble sustaining the relationship. Is it worth bringing it up to this person who might not even hear me?

– WHAT AN ASKHOLE

DEAR WHAT AN ASKHOLE: We all know that old saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Stop indulging this person every time they ask for your advice. The next time that they call, don’t answer. You are allowed to set a boundary with this person. When they try to be an “askhole,” and want advice, just tell them you aren’t up for giving it. If they ask why, you are allowed to say, “You never listen anyway, so why make us both frustrated?” Is it a bit brutal? Maybe. But you have to break this cycle or you are never going to get out of this. Oftentimes, these people care very little about your life or your problems and it becomes less of a friendship and more transactional, like a therapy session. That isn’t fair to you and that isn’t friendship. Ask yourself: What do you get out of this? If you aren’t sure, take a big step back to reevaluate. Life is too short to deal with an ungrateful askhole.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I have a lovely 28-year-old child who is transgender. My child is open about their transition to those who are likely to be supportive, but they’ve asked me to not say anything to those who would start a fight with them, or even worse, a prayer meeting. This means that we have not told their grandparents whom we see only a few times a year. My question is how to refer to them when talking to people who do not know. Using their/them pronouns has been a challenge for me, not because I’m not supportive, but because I’ve used she/her for over 20 years. But, I’m almost at the point where using the correct pronouns is coming naturally. There are a lot of people in my life who know that I have a “daughter” and will ask how “she” is doing. I don’t want to disrespect my kid by using the wrong gender, but I don’t want to out them either. So far, I’ve been using she/her when talking to people, partially to protect my kid and partially because some people are just jerks and I’m not in the mood to put up with the pushback. But, I’m weary from going back and forth between the two pronouns. I suppose a small part of me cares what other people think. I’ve come a long way though, and I’m caring less and less about others’ opinions. Simultaneously, I’m getting more bold about defending the marginalized. With addressing them to others, what is the right thing to do? -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID 

DEAR -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID: First, I want to applaud you for standing by your child and supporting them during their transition. Coming out as transgender can be challenging for people personally, but it is also politically and physically unsafe in the times we live in. You have a very brave child. When it comes to pronouns and how to address your child to others, follow their lead. Have you asked them how they want to be addressed in casual situations when you are talking with friends? Whatever boundaries they are setting for themselves right now – and those lines may change over time as they feel more comfortable in their identity – ride those waves with them. I have found with the transgender friends I have in my life, just asking them what they want usually clears up a lot of confusion. I had a friend who was not out at work, so I respected that by using the pronouns/name they wanted me to use inside that setting. When they left that job, they told me to please use their preferred pronouns and their new name. Ask your child what they prefer, just like you asked me here. Then, with others, let the chips fall where they may.

DEAR NATALIE: About five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with a variety of health conditions, including a chronic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Many of these genetic, autoimmune conditions are “invisible” to the average person. Since then, she has lost friendships and coped with those that have ebbed and flowed as her needs have evolved. It pains me to see her being treated differently because she is requesting new accommodations or considerations. Aren’t good friends supposed to love you unconditionally? How do you know which ones are worth fighting for? – SAD FOR SIS

DEAR SAD FOR SIS: Good friends are supposed to love you unconditionally – in theory. But the reality is, people can be selfish. They are busy. They are tired. They don’t always move in the ways we want them to. As your sister adjusts to what she needs from friendships in this new phase of life, not everyone is going to adjust with her. Unfortunately, I have seen this with COVID, as well. Some people who no longer take precautions against this debilitating and deadly virus aren’t always going to vibe with people who still are. I would recommend that your sister lean into the people who are pouring into her and back away from those who can’t meet her where she is. If they are actually her friends, then they need to start acting like it. As her sister, you can help to keep her company whenever you can and invite her to hang with you and your friends when you feel she would be able. Chronic illness is a lonely road and not spoken about enough. I hope your sister can find a support group either in person or online to help her connect in new ways and find new communities to engage with.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear