Should Family Attend Wedding When They Disapprove of Groom?

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Our daughter is 30 and in a relationship with a man 36, whom she plans to marry. He comes from a family of 5 boys ages 25-37 and none of them is married.

In the beginning he was not very open about his financial and employment status. Over time we found out that he had a part time job, was given a car, lived with his brother without paying rent, his parents paid his car insurance, and basically provided for him financially.

Out of concern for our daughter and her future, we pressured her to require him to get full time employment. Although he has a college degree, it took months to find a job that he wanted. He was not happy that we were advising our daughter to look out for her future, so they rarely came over or attended family functions.

In November he came to speak to my husband to ask for permission to marry our daughter. Although we had concerns, my husband agreed and offered to pay for their wedding.

On Christmas Eve he showed up to our annual extended family gathering drunk and got mad at my mother for not expressing enough gratitude for the gift he bought her. He refused to come over after that because he is “just so hurt.”

In January my daughter was going to move into a little house that we have to rent. He kept giving reasons why he couldn’t help her move, but finally agreed on a date he would help. On the day she was to move he never showed up. At that point my husband and I withdrew our offer to pay for the wedding. He asked for her ring back and immediately signed back up on a dating site looking for a mate. He told her she would have to choose him or us.

She has chosen him and plans to marry him on the beach. We have kept the door open by texting and calling. Next month they plan to move in together and get married in June. She has indicated that she wants to be treated like and adult.

There are so many red flags that we cannot support this marriage. Our family has decided that if invited we will not attend the wedding although my daughter has indicated that she planned to invite us.

Are we doing the right thing? --- KNOW THIS MARRIAGE IS A MISTAKE

DEAR KNOW THIS MARRIAGE IS A MISTAKE: I’m glad you and your daughter have remained in touch. It makes me think her fiancé hasn’t entirely won the “them or me” scenario he forced on your daughter.

I’m of the opinion that at least your immediate family should consider attending the wedding. For one thing, it’ll let your daughter know you don’t choose to use her as a pawn in a powerplay, as her future husband already did when he issued his ultimatum.

Another advantage to showing up is that if things fall apart with the marriage, your daughter may feel more certain of a welcome back into your family circle, and less inclined to stay in a bad situation if she knows she has people in her corner who truly care about her happiness.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My first marriage was a living hell. My ex not only cheated on me, but he did it as publicly and cruelly as possible. He never physically abused me, but he did everything he could to bring me down and make me hate myself.

Three years ago, about eight months after my divorce, I met a great guy. He helped me get back on my feet by being a friend first, until I was ready to move the relationship forward.

We got married last fall and moved to a new home in a new state. We expressly told our families and friends not to share our address or other contact information with anyone else. We use a post office box and don’t have a landline. Neither of us is on any kind of social media.

We tried to wipe our tracks as carefully as we could. Still I worry that my ex will find us and make things difficult for us. I know he resents my new life, and I also am realistic about how nearly impossible it is to be invisible these days.

I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder all the time. Am I being paranoid? --- WOULDBE INVISIBLE WOMAN

DEAR WOULDBE INVISIBLE WOMAN: Who could blame you for wanting to make a successful fresh start after being through a bad time? You’re doing what you feel you need to do to protect yourself and your new life. There’s no guarantee that he can’t find you, but hopefully you’ve put enough distance between yourself and your ex to make it not worth his while to go out of his way to bother you and your new husband.

If he does track you down, there may be legal steps you can take to keep him away, but put your energies into the life you’re creating now, rather than wasting precious time stressing about something that may never happen.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: The restaurant where I was working as a hostess/business office helper went to carryout only when COVID-19 hit. The owners were really good about trying to rotate through the staff so everyone got a few hours a week, but they had to stop that to just keep in business. I am now on unemployment and have had to move back in with my mom.

The only good thing is I’m able to help out at my mom’s with my grandparents, both in their 80s and both have health problems. Mom’s a 911 dispatcher, and has been working odd shifts because of the county’s social distancing rules.

Even with helping with my grandparents, I feel kind of useless and like a failure, especially since I don’t see how some businesses are going to be able to hire anytime soon, if they even reopen at all, that is.

If I have to live here for a long time, I think I’ll go nuts. We all get along, but it is such a backslide for me it hurts. I’m trying to stay positive, but need all the help I can get. --- 24 AND BACK AT MOM’S

DEAR 24 AND BACK AT MOM’S: It’s time to make some lemonade out of the lemons you’ve been tossed.

By taking stress off your mom in the care of your grandparents, you’re helping serve both your community and your family. It must be nice for your mom to come home to a clean house and a hot meal (hint, hint), without her having to worry about either.

Financially, you can use some of your unemployment and/or stimulus money to help with the household expenses, and also put some funds away for when you’re back on your feet and on your own again.

This isn’t going to last forever, and some aspects of life will most likely stay different than before the pandemic, but most things will return to the way they were, and I highly suspect your independence will be among them.

Hang in there. As an older friend of mine used to say, “Better days are coming.”