DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I broke up with my ex in July and recently got on Hinge because all my friends told me to give it a shot.

Last month, I met a guy and we started talking every day for two weeks until we decided to meet up in person. Our first date went great and he immediately planned a home date with me the next night. I really liked him, so I said yes and when I was leaving his place after dinner, he kissed me.

Later that night, he sent me a text saying how he normally takes it really slow and doesn’t kiss on the first few dates, but he really liked the way things were going for us, so decided to go with it. The next day, we went on a double date with a couple of his friends.

Ever since that week, we’ve been hanging out every couple days and talking on the phone and texting every day. He has been initiating all of our talks and hangouts so far, minus a few texts from my end.

Today, we were supposed to hang out with his friends again and he sent me a long text in the afternoon saying that even though he’s been having so much fun with me lately, he’s not quite ready for the pace we’ve been going at.

I am very confused by his text, since he was the one initiating everything and I just kind of went with it. I’m confused if he wants to continue seeing me, but just wants to take things at a slower pace, or if this is his way of wanting to end things.

What is your take? --- GETTING MIXED MESSAGES

DEAR GETTING MIXED MESSAGES: I see nothing wrong with a slow-but-steady policy in the world of dating, especially when either or both parties are coming from a long-term relationship or going into the new one looking for a serious connection.

Something that stood out in your letter is that he’s the one doing nearly all the initiating. Perhaps he’s feeling that he’s putting more into these early days than you are, and he might be reading that as less interest on your part.

Having open, honest, and kind communication is a useful policy at all stages of a relationship. If you like this man enough to continue spending time with him, then I think you should ask him if he wants the same thing — no need for suspense or second-guessing. Once you know the lay of the land, you’ll hopefully have a better idea of what the next steps could or should be.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I’m an adult child living at home with my parents. I am 27-years-old and live at home to help pay off student loans while saving to buy a home. I work two fulltime jobs in healthcare. I also pay rent to my parents and pay all my own bills. 

I am not the only one at home with my parents. My 24-year-old brother is also living at home. He dealt with some mental health issues a few years ago, got let go from his job, and hasn’t had a job since. He sits at home, smokes weed all day long, and watches the family dog. He refuses to see a therapist and when asked by my parents what his plans are for the future, he says, “This.”

My parents are getting older in years and they don’t know what else to do. They have considered kicking him out, but nothing has ever come to fruition. Both of my parents and myself hold jobs that require us to take drug tests. Because of my parents’ strong religious convictions and our jobs, the drug use is a constant strain on everyone’s relationship. I’ve had to leave the house multiple times in the middle of the night because the fighting becomes too much of an emotional strain or because of true fear for my personal safety.

I know my brother is an adult and counseling will only work if he wants it. We’re approaching 2.5 years of unemployment and I don’t know if our family can survive the tension of a second winter in quarantine.

What can I do to help my brother and my parents resolve this situation? --- Desperately Want a Happy Family Again

DEAR Desperately Want a Happy Family Again: As you’re clearly aware, getting your brother the help he needs is key to improving life for him and your family. There may be legal options for you to explore if necessary, such as an emergency petition, whereby your brother is basically forced into the hospital for evaluation if he becomes violent or threatens self-harm. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but don’t rule it out —for everyone’s protection.

Wishing your brother seeks help on his own isn’t enough. You and your parents would quite possibly benefit from professional help and guidance right now.

You mentioned your parents are religious. If they’re members of a faith-based community, it might be worth reaching out to their clergy to see if they can make referrals to local mental health services.

Being in the medical field, you may already have some reliable resources you could tap, if you’re comfortable reaching out to any of the practitioners where you work.

Another avenue to explore is your local or state’s department of behavioral or mental health services. Where I live, additional resources have been made available to the public, due in large part to the effects of the pandemic.

Finally, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) can be an excellent source of information and support. They’ve helped several families I personally know, and have chapters throughout the United States.

You may not be able to convince your brother it’s time he makes big changes, but perhaps you and your parents can get some tools to improve your own situations.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Although my mother keeps telling me how blessed we are to have so far stayed safe from COVID, I do not feel particularly blessed. My hours at work are still cut, two of my supervisors tested positive, and one ended up in the hospital. I have had to borrow money from my parents to pay my car insurance and loan payment, and if things do not improve soon, I will be heading back to a basement apartment at my grandmother’s house, not to mention I can not afford to do any Christmas shopping, not even for my family.

With all this going on, I really do not feel like I want to do any holiday decorating, which my mom is getting on me about. She has even offered to come over and help me get my apartment “in the holiday spirit”.

I appreciate my mom’s positivity and all that, but how do I convince her I really am not in a festive mood? --- FEELING THE HUMBUG

DEAR FEELING THE HUMBUG: It isn’t easy for parents to see their kids struggling. Your mom may just be trying to boost your morale by encouraging you to find something like normalcy through holiday traditions.

Ultimately, it’s your place and your decision, and your mother needs to respect your wishes; but it might make you feel a little better to have some holiday cheer on display.

As to your worries about not being able to afford to do Christmas shopping, perhaps you could come up with gifts that don’t cost you anything but a little time, like offering to do something that might give loved ones a break, such as taking on chores or projects they have been wanting to tackle.