DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My grandson is currently going through the preliminary phases of becoming a woman. I admit I was surprised when he told me he was in line for the surgery, but I always knew, from when he was a child, that he had a strong feminine side. As a matter of fact, I more than once got into trouble with his dad when I gave him gifts he considered more suitable for a girl.

I want my grandson to be happy, but we had a falling out recently when he yelled at me for still referring to him as “him/he” and not “her/she”. I love him and want to remain an active part of his life, but I told him I am still adjusting and that it will take a little time before I get used to using both his new name and the correct pronouns. I realize even as I’m writing this that I keep using the masculine pronoun when I describe my grandchild, but it seems awkward to keep typing him/her and he/she, especially since at this point, the transition isn’t complete.

I may be an old dog, but I can still learn new tricks. How do I make it up to my grandchild? --- WANT TO STAY IN MY GRANDCHILD’S LIFE

DEAR WANT TO STAY IN MY GRANDCHILD’S LIFE: As far as our culture has come in its understanding of gender issues, a lot of us are still trying to get up to speed in a rapidly evolving world.

It may be that your granddaughter has experienced harsh backlash around the decision to transition, and is in need of the kind of support you want to offer.

I think it would be worth it to reach out to her again, this time using her preferred pronouns and her new name. Written communication could make it easier to catch any potential SNAFUs before you hit send or put it in the mail.

I’d include a plea for more time and some patience from her as you work through your own adjustments to such a major life change.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Fifteen years ago, my husband officially left his first wife because he and I were in love. I never thought of myself as a “homewrecker”, especially since at the time, my husband and his ex-wife were separated, even though they were together a lot of the time for the sake of their children. It was a mostly amicable divorce, but to this day, his daughter, who was a teenager when her parents split, looks on me as the evil cause of her parents’ divorce. Their son is more accepting, and I have actually been on good terms with him and his wife since before they were married and moved out of state.

Each year since we’ve been married, the holidays become difficult because my stepdaughter goes out of her way to let me know I am not really part of the family. It still stings me, but it truly hurts my husband and can make our annual Christmas Eve family dinner a trial, rather than a pleasure.

My stepdaughter is now pregnant with her first child, and she claims she can’t be out late for our dinner, on doctor’s orders. So, for the first time her dad won’t get to see her for this special family event. She’ll spend, as she always does, Christmas Day with her mother and her stepfather, who she has absolutely no trouble with apparently, even though they too began dating before the divorce was final.

What can I say to my husband to make him less blue about how this holiday season is going to be for him, especially since he knows I’m why his daughter is still angry after all these years? And even though it has its tense moments, he really looks forward to this tradition, when for a few hours each year, he gets to be altogether with his kids, their spouses, and the grandkids. --- FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN

DEAR FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN: It sounds like your stepdaughter has a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully, being a parent herself will help her see things in a more generous light.

Perhaps, if logistics permit, you could suggest your husband pay a visit to his daughter sometime before your dinner on Christmas Eve. That way he’d at least get to see her, and you would have the excuse of needing to be home for preparations.

I hope that things will improve once the newest grandchild arrives, so that next year your family gathering will be a more complete one for everybody’s sake.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend spent some time in the Marines, and I don’t know if that’s why he is the way he is when it comes to taking care of his home or not. I have been to his mother’s house, and it is neat and clean, but not obsessively neat and clean. She does not follow you around and grab an empty glass the minute you put it down. Her bathrooms are clean, but she doesn’t deep clean them every two or three days. I feel more comfortable in her house than I do in her son’s, and I mentioned to her about how he is at his apartment, and she laughed and said that sure wasn’t him when he was still living at home.

He has asked me to move in with him, and as much as I care for him, I am not sure I could live comfortably in an environment without a little disorder.

Does this seem like a shallow reason to put off moving in with my boyfriend? --- NOT A CLEAN FREAK

DEAR NOT A CLEAN FREAK: While the Marines may have fostered a devotion to orderliness, I’m not sure his time in the service is the only thing behind your boyfriend’s drive to keep things the way he wants them. I also don’t think that you should downplay your concerns about whether or not his rules are ones you can live by 24/7.

In fairness to you both, it seems the time has come to have an open discussion with him about your concerns. If you care for each other enough to move the relationship forward, you need to establish some common ground and an open understanding of what each of you expects and feels, and what each of you is able to tolerate. If you can’t deal with his housekeeping standards and he gets upset by your daily habits, you might find you have some serious work to do before living together.