DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: While I was putting my husband’s socks away in his dresser, I found a jewelry box inside a little gift bag. Even though this is our first married Christmas, we said we were not going to spend a lot of money on each other for Christmas this year, so I just got him a couple of little necessary items he needed for work. Now I feel like a cheapskate and want to go out and get him something special, but 1) I don’t know what to get him, and 2) I don’t make that much money and we’re trying to keep our expenses down so we can save up for a house.

I feel happy that he wants to spoil me, a little angry that he didn’t follow our agreement, and sad I can’t afford to get him something really special.

Should I make the stretch and get him something more than just practical stuff? --- CONFUSED MRS. SANTA

DEAR CONFUSED MRS. SANTA: For openers, just because it’s a piece of jewelry, it doesn’t mean it’s an expensive one. Next, if it makes him happy to give you something special, why not let him have that pleasure, without feeling guilty? You got him things he needed; and if you want to do a little more, then something personal from you, like a card, a special photograph in a nice frame, or small token gift that doesn’t cost much but comes from the heart may be even more significant to him than a big ticket item you can’t comfortably afford.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My grandson is currently going through the preliminary phases of becoming a woman. I admit I was surprised when he told me he was in line for the surgery, but I always knew, from when he was a child, that he had a strong feminine side. As a matter of fact, I more than once got into trouble with his dad when I gave him gifts he considered more suitable for a girl.

I want my grandson to be happy, but we had a falling out recently when he yelled at me for still referring to him as “him/he” and not “her/she”. I love him and want to remain an active part of his life, but I told him I am still adjusting and that it will take a little time before I get used to using both his new name and the correct pronouns. I realize even as I’m writing this that I keep using the masculine pronoun when I describe my grandchild, but it seems awkward to keep typing him/her and he/she, especially since at this point, the transition isn’t complete.

I may be an old dog, but I can still learn new tricks. How do I make it up to my grandchild? --- WANT TO STAY IN MY GRANDCHILD’S LIFE

DEAR WANT TO STAY IN MY GRANDCHILD’S LIFE: As far as our culture has come in its understanding of gender issues, a lot of us are still trying to get up to speed in a rapidly evolving world.

It may be that your granddaughter has experienced harsh backlash around the decision to transition, and is in need of the kind of support you want to offer.

I think it would be worth it to reach out to her again, this time using her preferred pronouns and her new name. Written communication could make it easier to catch any potential SNAFUs before you hit send or put it in the mail.

I’d include a plea for more time and some patience from her as you work through your own adjustments to such a major life change.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Fifteen years ago, my husband officially left his first wife because he and I were in love. I never thought of myself as a “homewrecker”, especially since at the time, my husband and his ex-wife were separated, even though they were together a lot of the time for the sake of their children. It was a mostly amicable divorce, but to this day, his daughter, who was a teenager when her parents split, looks on me as the evil cause of her parents’ divorce. Their son is more accepting, and I have actually been on good terms with him and his wife since before they were married and moved out of state.

Each year since we’ve been married, the holidays become difficult because my stepdaughter goes out of her way to let me know I am not really part of the family. It still stings me, but it truly hurts my husband and can make our annual Christmas Eve family dinner a trial, rather than a pleasure.

My stepdaughter is now pregnant with her first child, and she claims she can’t be out late for our dinner, on doctor’s orders. So, for the first time her dad won’t get to see her for this special family event. She’ll spend, as she always does, Christmas Day with her mother and her stepfather, who she has absolutely no trouble with apparently, even though they too began dating before the divorce was final.

What can I say to my husband to make him less blue about how this holiday season is going to be for him, especially since he knows I’m why his daughter is still angry after all these years? And even though it has its tense moments, he really looks forward to this tradition, when for a few hours each year, he gets to be altogether with his kids, their spouses, and the grandkids. --- FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN

DEAR FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN: It sounds like your stepdaughter has a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully, being a parent herself will help her see things in a more generous light.

Perhaps, if logistics permit, you could suggest your husband pay a visit to his daughter sometime before your dinner on Christmas Eve. That way he’d at least get to see her, and you would have the excuse of needing to be home for preparations.

I hope that things will improve once the newest grandchild arrives, so that next year your family gathering will be a more complete one for everybody’s sake.