DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My 87-year-old mother lives 100 miles away, and I have not been able to see her since March of 2020. She usually does not know who I am if I call her, and her caregivers have told me that she gets angry and depressed when she gets calls from people she is supposed to know but cannot remember. For that reason, I have limited my phone calls to her. I sent Christmas gifts and birthday gifts to her. I have sent flowers as well.

I cannot help but feel very guilty for not having visited her. I have not been able to get vaccinated yet, but I do have an appointment. Once I am fully vaccinated, I want to visit, but I am reluctant because of the issue with dementia and her not remembering who I am. It kills me every time she forgets who I am.

I have three siblings who live in the same town and they would let me know if there is an emergency with Mom.

How do I handle this situation after it is safe for me to visit her? Do I go to assuage my guilt, or do I continue to be distanced so that the caregivers do not have a difficult time with her? --- HEARTBROKEN AND FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN AND FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO: Your situation is a familiar one to many families, including my own.

As you wait to be fully vaccinated and more able to travel safely, put away your guilt. It sounds like you’ve been doing what you can in our extraordinary times.

You didn’t mention if your siblings have had eyes-on your mom in any capacity recently. If they’ve been able to at least have window visits with her, hopefully they can give you an idea of how she responds to seeing people who aren’t around her all the time. Her reaction may be very different from what you’ve experienced with your phone calls, which being more abstract might understandably cause issues for someone struggling with dementia.

Your mom’s caregivers, who’ve been candid with you about her agitation over phone calls, may also be able to give you some guidance based on what they’ve seen working for other residents and their loved ones, especially as long-term care centers begin to gradually re-open and in-person visits are reintroduced.

Ultimately, if you decide to visit, you may need to reconcile yourself to the fact that it’s more for your peace of mind than being of material benefit to your mom. She may still be confused as to who you are, but going with the flow could make for less stressful, less discouraging, more rewarding time with her.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My father is a locally known playwright. He and my mom have been married nearly 30 years, and I know she’s put up with a lot of s##t from him, including his having had an affair about 10 years ago, when I was still living at home. It was a hellish time, but they went to counselling and decided to stay together.

At the time of the affair, my dad wrote a play about a philanderer, which he claimed he based on an old college friend of his. My mom and I continue to not buy this, and believe it was inspired byss the affair he was having.

Last month, my father showed me a draft of a play he’s currently working on getting produced. Guess what the theme is? It’s about a man having a mid-life crisis affair with a coworker. He tells me it has nothing to do with his life, but is just inspired by what he’s seen going on around him. I don’t believe it for a minute. I asked if he’s let my mother see the play yet, and he said of course he had, since she’s always been his primary editor.

I am so uneasy about this and don’t know if I should say something to my mother. What do you think? --- IS HE AT IT AGAIN?

DEAR IS HE AT IT AGAIN?: I can certainly see why you may have cause to be suspicious, but unless you have any concrete evidence your father is having another affair, I don’t see what good it would do to share your worries with your mother at this time. She’s seen the draft and knows both its subject matter and your dad’s history. He’s her husband and their marriage is their business.

That said, I’d keep an eye open for any further developments that might justify your concerns — especially to be of use to your mom, should the need arise.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am married to a germaphobe. As you can imagine, living through a pandemic has been a challenge.

Now life’s getting even more interesting because our lease is about to expire, and we decided it’s time to find a house of our own. The market is wide open in our area, and the deals are there for our price range.

What’s proving difficult is my husband’s trouble entering and exploring different homes. Our realtor has been awesome trying to prescreen places that are clean and tidy, but that only goes so far.

I really want my husband to be part of the process, but he keeps saying I should look at everything and then only make him go to no more than two “finalists” as he calls them. Even then, he’s already told me he will only enter them in PPE, and even then, I know it’ll be torture for him.

I hate feeling like most of the decision-making for our future home is on me. Is it worth it to try to get him to more places, or just let it go? --- FEELING THE PRESSURE

DEAR FEELING THE PRESSURE: You know your husband best, and if he’s made it clear he’s not comfortable going into a lot of different, unfamiliar homes, it seems like you need to honor that. What would be gained by dragging him along, especially since the photos posted on most realty websites give some idea of available properties? Beyond those, when you visit them you can take your own, more detailed shots and videos of houses that you feel would be of particular interest to your husband. That way you can work together at home to choose the finalists.

If it’s any consolation, I’ve known other spouses who have had to do at least the preliminary house hunting on their own due to a variety of different circumstances. I’ve yet to hear that they picked poorly.