DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I was raised in a time when children, for the most part, didn’t attend wakes or burials. I wasn’t at my own grandmother’s, which took place when I was ten. I didn’t go to a wake until I was nearly graduated from high school, and it was the grandmother of my best friend.

I have been at several wakes in the past few years where children of all ages were present. I’m not sure how I feel about this. My gut tells me children may find it all frightening, especially seeing someone they know laid out in a casket.

Am I just old-fashioned? --- NOT SURE IF IT’S RIGHT

DEAR NOT SURE IF IT’S RIGHT: I don’t think you’re particularly old-fashioned, but rather have opinions formed by the practices you grew up with.

Whether or not it’s a good idea to have children at a viewing or funeral is a subject best dealt with by the child’s immediate family, who hopefully know the child best.

There are also cultural issues that come into play. Some traditions are more inclusive than others when it comes to the rituals of death, and provide guidelines for families to follow.

Personally, I believe children above a certain age should be permitted to attend viewings and funerals if they choose and if there are not strong parental objections. It’s an opportunity to both bid farewell to a loved one, and to begin grasping the concept that death is a natural part of life.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My girlfriend went to be with her parents, a five-hour drive away, when the pandemic started last year. It was just supposed to be a temporary situation, but last week she told me she is strongly thinking of staying there and has already started looking for jobs and an apartment.

I am not in a position to relocate, and it is coming as a hurtful surprise that she did not seem to take me into account when she made her decision. I sort of blame her parents, who were never happy their little girl was living with someone they did not especially love themselves.

I can’t help but take this all personally, but should I? --- LEFT BEHIND

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Whether disapproving parents were a factor or not, there may be many valid considerations your girlfriend’s taking into account while making her decision. Perhaps, although you feel you were blindsided, there were clues that she was leaning in this direction that you missed, especially if the end result was that she was going to make the move permanent.

Painful as the new development is, taking it personally will only harm you. If she decides to stay where she is, it might prove a lot healthier overall to chalk it up to life in an extraordinary time. A lot of people have ended up in completely different circumstances than they thought they’d be in this time last year.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My 87-year-old mother lives 100 miles away, and I have not been able to see her since March of 2020. She usually does not know who I am if I call her, and her caregivers have told me that she gets angry and depressed when she gets calls from people she is supposed to know but cannot remember. For that reason, I have limited my phone calls to her. I sent Christmas gifts and birthday gifts to her. I have sent flowers as well.

I cannot help but feel very guilty for not having visited her. I have not been able to get vaccinated yet, but I do have an appointment. Once I am fully vaccinated, I want to visit, but I am reluctant because of the issue with dementia and her not remembering who I am. It kills me every time she forgets who I am.

I have three siblings who live in the same town and they would let me know if there is an emergency with Mom.

How do I handle this situation after it is safe for me to visit her? Do I go to assuage my guilt, or do I continue to be distanced so that the caregivers do not have a difficult time with her? --- HEARTBROKEN AND FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN AND FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO: Your situation is a familiar one to many families, including my own.

As you wait to be fully vaccinated and more able to travel safely, put away your guilt. It sounds like you’ve been doing what you can in our extraordinary times.

You didn’t mention if your siblings have had eyes-on your mom in any capacity recently. If they’ve been able to at least have window visits with her, hopefully they can give you an idea of how she responds to seeing people who aren’t around her all the time. Her reaction may be very different from what you’ve experienced with your phone calls, which being more abstract might understandably cause issues for someone struggling with dementia.

Your mom’s caregivers, who’ve been candid with you about her agitation over phone calls, may also be able to give you some guidance based on what they’ve seen working for other residents and their loved ones, especially as long-term care centers begin to gradually re-open and in-person visits are reintroduced.

Ultimately, if you decide to visit, you may need to reconcile yourself to the fact that it’s more for your peace of mind than being of material benefit to your mom. She may still be confused as to who you are, but going with the flow could make for less stressful, less discouraging, more rewarding time with her.