DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Next month will be the first anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Because of COVID, there was no proper funeral at the time.

Now that things are changing, my step-grandmother wants to hold a big party in his honor, but my grandmother, who was my grandfather’s first wife, doesn’t want any part of it, even though she’s already been told she’ll be invited. Everyone knows Grandpa left Grandma for my step-grandmother, so a lot of my family members are already saying they won’t go to anything my step-grandmother plans.

For those of us on the fence, the situation is causing problems throughout the family, especially since my grandpa and his second wife were only married for about ten years, but he and my grandma were together for over 30, so most of the people who would be at the proposed party are most likely going to be from the time of the second marriage.

I think we should do something to honor my grandfather’s memory that doesn’t involve everyone being stuck together somewhere, trying to pretend we all want to socialize with a woman many don’t like, and her friends we don’t know.

My sister and I thought a separate event with just those from our family and some of my grandfather’s old friends would be a good idea.

What would you think? --- WANT TO KEEP THE PEACE

DEAR WANT TO KEEP THE PEACE: Separate memorials may not be a bad idea, if it’s a way to keep the peace and honor the memory of a man who had two different social circles. It doesn’t seem likely that anything positive would be accomplished by forcing people from different camps to be thrown together, even for a few hours.

Since you already know what your step-grandmother is proposing, before making alternate plans, I strongly suggest you talk to your grandmother to see what, if anything, she has in mind. She may prefer to find her own, more private way to deal with your grandfather’s memory, which might not involve any kind of public event. If that’s the case, then it falls to other close survivors, like your sister and yourself, to decide how you want to celebrate your grandfather’s life.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Every time my mother’s sister visits from Florida, something bad happens in the family. She just likes to start trouble, and in the past, she has done some serious damage.

Because of her sticking her nose into things, my uncle and his wife ended up getting divorced, and their son attempted suicide because of it. And that was just the result of a long weekend visit.

My grandmother tries to avoid her, and Aunt R. attempted to make trouble between my parents, but they saw through it. My mother now refuses to have anything more than polite greetings with her own sister. As a matter of fact, my parents have started taking trips out of town when they know Aunt R. is planning to visit.

I would love to be able to disappear too, but I can’t, at least during her upcoming visit, which she announced she is planning to make now that she is fully vaccinated. Since my parents are usually absent, they leave the keys for her to use their house. This time around, though, I am going to be home for a summer internship, and I don’t want to have to play hostess to a woman I can’t stand.

I’m a little upset at my mom and dad for bailing on me, but I am even more convinced I can’t spend two weeks with my aunt.

What do I do? --- STUCK AT HOME

DEAR STUCK AT HOME: Just because your aunt will be staying in the same house as you, I don’t see why it’s your job to act as hostess. It sounds like you’re something of a guest there too for the summer; so why not just go about your business without feeling any obligation to spend more time than absolutely necessary with your aunt?

You don’t have to be rude or unkind. You just need to be extraordinarily busy.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though we have no reason to believe we wouldn’t be able to conceive children of our own, my husband and I decided that we want to adopt at least two children who need families. We are currently working with an adoption agency, and they found twins whose mother has a history of heroin use and addiction. The twins were born early, and one almost didn’t make it.

We know they have many issues, some of which will be long-term, both because of their prematurity and their mother’s drug use, but we are more than willing to bring them into our life. We are blessed with good incomes, excellent health insurance, and very importantly, a good support system, led by my sister and my parents, who live nearby.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law and her husband are entirely against the adoption. They think we’re taking on more than we can handle, and keep bringing up how the twins’ birth mother could get cleaned up and decide to take steps to get her children back.

This is something my husband and I have considered and investigated. While there are circumstances where it can happen, it isn’t likely to happen, and if their birth mother did take steps to reverse the adoption after it’s been legally established, she would most likely have a very hard time getting full custody of her children.

I know my mother-in-law and father-in-law are worried that we could get our hearts broken if the twin’s mother comes back into the picture, and that we’re taking on a huge challenge with two babies with a lot already stacked against them. But we want them to understand we are willing to take the risk, and take on everything that comes with babies with such a compromised start.

What can we do to convince my in-laws that we know what we’re getting into, and to have some faith in us? --- READY FOR THE CHALLENGE

DEAR READY FOR THE CHALLENGE: Your in-laws are within their rights to be concerned about what lies ahead for your soon-to-be growing family. It is, as you yourself acknowledge, a huge commitment and challenge.

Perhaps it would help, if it’s practical, to include them directly in the care of the babies once they’re in their new home. If they become familiar with what’s involved in parenting special need infants, not only would it hopefully allow them some insight into their new grandchildren’s and your lives, but it may also give them more of a stake in your reality, rather than the what-ifs they may be currently blinded by. Their direct involvement might also serve to extend your support system.