Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: The last time I visited home I stayed with my grandmother for a weekend. She retired a few years ago and except for starting to spend more time with her old friends and our family, she is glued to the Home Shopping Network. She won’t order anything online, but does all her buying from the shows, which is the first thing that seems odd to me. The other thing is she just keeps buying mostly what looks to me like cheesy jewelry and home decor she really doesn’t need.

I know she is good at sticking to a budget, and she told me she ends up giving away a lot of what she gets after she’s done with it or doesn’t want it anymore, but what drives someone to just keep buying and buying? --- GRANDMA LIKES TO SHOP

DEAR GRANDMA LIKES TO SHOP: Shopping is something of a hobby for many people. Unless it leads to debt or hoarding behavior, it isn’t necessarily a bad or dangerous thing.

From what you said, your grandmother isn’t displaying classic symptoms of a shopping addiction. It sounds like she buys, enjoys, and then moves things along, which to me smacks more of her having a little fun than raising any red flags.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Whenever my sister and I go out to a dressy event, like a wedding or anniversary party, my sister always wears the same outfit. It isn’t so much that it’s a little out of style so much as it makes her look like a middle-aged woman, rather than someone in her mid-30s.

She’s a single self-employed mom, and I understand she doesn’t want to spend a lot on herself, but I keep thinking she’s going to be single forever if she doesn’t make a little effort to look her age when she goes out.

Do you think it would be tacky of me to offer to take her shopping, my treat, to get at least one decent outfit that lets people see how young and pretty she really is? She’s smart, sweet, and has so much to offer, and she just doesn’t seem to get it or especially care. Add to all that that she’s got a killer body, which I’ve always been jealous of! --- MY SISTER’S NO FRUMP

DEAR MY SISTER’S NO FRUMP: It sounds as if it’s just possible your sister isn’t as interested in getting out there, romantically speaking, as you think she should be. If that’s the case, she might be perfectly happy with her dressy outfit.

Your offering to take her shopping may work in the context of a birthday or other special occasion treat, provided you let her do the choosing, without judgement.

What could potentially be a more useful approach is if you encourage her to update her look as a small, well-earned treat to herself. If you go shopping with her, you can perhaps remind her that she works hard, takes care of her family, and now deserves a little something for herself. Even if she doesn’t replace the whole go-to ensemble, perhaps new accessories or a partial switch-out will make a big difference, and more importantly, help her feel like it’s okay to reward herself once in a while.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My wife and I work for the same company. They hired us as a team, and knew we already had two children when we started.

My wife is now early in her second trimester with our third baby and is starting to show. We have no qualms about sharing the news of her pregnancy with our bosses, especially since they run a “family friendly” business.

Once they find out my wife is expecting, they’ll assume she’ll have the baby and return to work. However, the cost of all-day childcare for three, especially with one being an infant, will be nearly $1,000 a week, which is not that much less than what my wife makes after necessary expenses and taxes. Besides, we always said if we had more than two kids, she’d stay home with them and find something parttime, if possible.

We can afford to make a go of it on my salary alone for at least a year or two. That’s one reason we can even consider having my wife stay home for awhile. I’m concerned, though, that since our boss will be losing half of a team, she’ll decide to cut me loose, and then the situation would change radically.

My wife says we need to tell our boss asap about our plans, so steps can be taken to bring someone in while she’s still around to help with the training. I am more inclined to wait as long as possible, even if it means after the end of her maternity leave, to tell our boss she isn’t coming back.

Which of us do you think has the better plan? --- WHEN SHOULD THEY KNOW?

DEAR WHEN SHOULD THEY KNOW?: If your wife is starting to show, you’re not going to be able to keep what’s going on a secret much longer; and once your boss knows, it may be the wisest course to keep your future intentions vague at least initially. That’ll give you and your wife time to get a feel for how your employer reacts to the news, how supportive she is, and perhaps even allow for a conversation about post-partum employment possibilities for your wife, especially if she’s interested in working parttime once the baby arrives.

Obviously, if you two have contractual obligations to continue providing service as a team, your options are more limited, and some decisions will be made for you. Formulating a couple different plans, both for exiting and continuing with the same company would be a good idea before announcing that your wife isn’t going to return to work fulltime following her leave.