DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an almost-41-year-old straight woman who has most of her life going well. I have a job I like, I’m active in a Unitarian fellowship, I am a member of my local DSA chapter, I am involved in community theater and gaming groups.

But I’m also single, and have been for eighteen years. And I don’t mean single as in no serious relationship but having lots of casual dating and sex – I mean nothing whatsoever. Part of that is because I’m only really interested in serious relationships (to me the goal of dating is to find someone so you can stop dating, because dating is the absolute worst, just stress and uncertainty, and my social anxiety loathes it), but that’s not just it. Every attempt I have made at trying to find someone to even try dating has failed. And I am ready to give up.

I have had in my entire life one boyfriend, back in grad school, who I knew I would have to leave after the school year was over so I never slept with him because I have issues with trust (see above mentioned anxiety disorder) and my reproductive health (not comfortable talking about in a public column). If I’d known that he was going to be my one and only relationship ever I might have made a different decision about that, but I’m at this point the title of a Steve Carell movie and very frustrated about it while not particularly wanting to “settle” just to get laid. What I want isn’t sex, I want a relationship where I’d feel comfortable enough to have good sex.

So I have tried online dating – that was awful. On apps where men could reach out to me, there was an onslaught of creeps and bigots. On apps where I had to lead, 99% of the time I would swipe yes on people I found had similar values and interests and I would get absolute radio dead air, no replies, really did a number on my self-esteem. I tried to lower my standards to include anyone who wasn’t immediately off-putting, which didn’t help because then I would stillonly get a few replies, and because we didn’t have anything in common, we never even got to the point of going offline. In 7 years of online dating (I’m not counting the two during the height of the pandemic when I didn’t bother) I had all of 2 dates; both were total duds (the first was very early on and my fault because I overshared, the second we just both knew right away we weren’t clicking) and the last one was in early 2020. I finally quit using them two years ago, and don’t regret it because they were just making me feel bad about myself.

My attempts at meeting people in real life have gone absolutely nowhere too, though. In the ten years total that I have been actively looking for someone, I have had all of two first dates here as well, and they were also both awkward duds that went nowhere (one was way too handsy for a “let’s get coffee” and the other insulted my profession to my face). While my libido is more picky than most, I do run into someone I’m attracted to every few months or so, because they’re nice and we have a good conversation, and then we become Facebook friends and oh look there’s his girlfriend/wife. Which isn’t terrible because I often become friends with his partner and now I have two friends, that’s great! But it is definitely starting to feel that every single man my age I am interested in is already taken, which makes sense because why wouldn’t they be at this point? I’m middle-aged, you’re not supposed to be dating when you’re middle-aged. (I have debated whether I would be okay being someone’s secondary partner in a poly relationship, and the answer is “probably not.”)

I have asked friends to set me up; no offers. I’ve gone out to lots of free concerts and events; never met anyone. I’ve made a lot of friends in the process, which is good, it’s the biggest friends circle I’ve ever had, but nothing romantic. I have one single friend about my age who I thought might have been interested in me because we spent a lot of time just hanging out the two of us, but we’ve simply remained friends which is probably for the best (I’m a vegetarian, he’s a meat lover, I need to be asleep by 11, he’s practically nocturnal, it would’ve taken work). So in the last decade, I have had two polite asks out from men I just wasn’t interested in as more than friends (one of whom is married and poly which is why I have thought about it), and one guy I thought was a friend who attempted to coerce me into going out with him and I had to block him on all social media. And one PUA who haunts a local bar, but even in terms of unwanted attention, I’m not really getting any.

I have completely run out of ideas of what to do to meet someone. None of my friends and coworkers in committed relationships have had any problems – they went out and met someone within a year, and I haven’t had any luck in a decade. So I am inclined to quit – I know the other option is to settle, but I don’t think I can do that because I don’t feel like my standards are even that high – just a nice guy about my age (± 7 years) with similar values (left of center) who is okay with monogamy. I feel like that should be manageable if there was anyone out there available, but I think I just missed my window. I struggled a lot with my mental and physical health when I was in high school and college so I didn’t date then, then I worked overseas after grad school, and I just think that Mr. Right met Someone Else and that I need to accept that. Maybe there would be more options in a different town (I live in a purple city in a red state) but I like my job and my life here and don’t want to move just on a “maybe.”

My therapist doesn’t think I should give up; she seems to think that if we just keep working at this issue we’ve been working at for 8 years that I will make some magical breakthrough and be attracted to more men and have men throwing themselves after me or something and I just don’t get it. In fact, after our last appointment I feel like she thinks I’m lying and keeping something from her, like I’m hiding some trauma from my childhood that will fix everything once we work through it, and I’m sorry but there isn’t! I’ve been completely honest and I am just tired of how pointless this feels! I want to work on not feeling sad about being single, about accepting that I am never going to be with anyone, about moving on quickly whenever the guy I am attracted to is with someone else. I’ve seen the pattern of the last ten years and I don’t see how it’s supposed to change; if anything, as I get older along with my age cohort, the problem is going to be worse.

Am I being irrational here? I feel like I’m being rational – I’m not some 25-year-old who’s dated only a half dozen people and is convinced that means they’ll die alone. I guess what I want is a second opinion to stand against my therapist, or maybe I just need to change to someone else who is willing to help me with my actual real situation.

—Too Old For This S—t

DEAR TOO OLD FOR THIS S—T: I’m going to be honest, TOFTS, I don’t think your standards are the problem. Or, rather, let me qualify that: I don’t think the standards you are saying you have are the problem. Stick with me for a second, because I’ll get to that and I promise it’s going to make sense.

But before I get to that, I want to say that no, you’re not wrong that s—t is frustrating, you’re not wrong for being frustrated, and you’re not alone in that frustration. There’re many ways that you – and many, many others – are having to swim upstream against some seriously violent currents when it comes to modern dating.

Part of it is economic; that is, the way the rot economy has killed the utility of the dating apps. The virus of shareholder supremacy has meant that there’re more incentive to prioritize getting users to convert – getting subscriptions, no get the NEXT TIER subscription, now pay money for boosts and ‘flowers’ so you can see the people you actually want to date – than for designing an app that does what it’s theoretically supposed to. As the saying goes: the purpose is what it does, and what it does is frustrate users and tell them to pay to be less frustrated. The fact that there’s a massive gender imbalance in the user base of the apps only exacerbates this.

Part of it is social. One of the ongoing reasons for all the handwringing about the “male loneliness epidemic” and all the ink spilled about how women are forgoing relationships is that, well… frankly, society has gotten to the point where the lessons men have been taught about being men, their place in society and in relationships aren’t relevant, helpful or even useful. When men are being taught that their value is found in being a provider – having your own home, financial security, etc. – and then every path to that role gets systematically eliminated or blocked off, that’s going to create all sorts of cognitive dissonance and friction in the system.

Part of it is how the blame gets spread around. Men get scolded for not succeeding in all the ways they were told they had to, and told that they’re worthless and weak and will never be as good as the previous generations. They’re treated as though it was their fault that rent skyrocketed to impossible levels, home ownership is out of everyone’s reach, average wages don’t keep up with inflation and everyone lives with the looming knowledge that you’re basically two bad weeks away from losing everything.

It also doesn’t help that the values they’re being told to embrace, the behaviors they’re supposed to exhibit and roles they’re supposed to inhabit are all anathema to happy and healthy relationships. All of it, especially from the loudest cultural critics and the “won’t someone think about the poor menz” voices, comes from a position of “look, b--ches aren’t following the rules anymore, so you gotta make ‘em or you’re just a little b--ch yourself.”

So, in a very real sense, men are being set up to fail. It doesn’t exactly take a genius to notice how much of the advice being shoveled to men �– and reinforced by pop culture – seems to be “here’s how to put up with living with someone you don’t actually like” mixed with “you need to be able to support a family of four in a middle-class lifestyle, solely on your income,” as though that’s been possible in the last 50 years.

So, they’re already in the position of feeling like there’s something wrong with them for not succeeding the way culture told them they would, and a lot of the most prominent “manfluencer” voices are cheerfully saying “yup, y’all suck and you should feel bad about it”. Mix in the ways that the dating apps reinforce feelings of failure and undesirability and you end up with a whole lot of people who are lonely, frustrated, told that the system doesn’t fail, they’ve failed the system and little incentive to actually work on things like “social skills” or “how to communicate and get your emotional needs met”.

Which, y’know, isn’t creating an environment that’s conducive to things that actually make relationships work like mutual respect and affection, partnership and mutual support. Or even for meeting someone and being able to foster the sort of connection that can turn into love and commitment.

All of which is to say: you’re coming to this in an environment where the dating pool’s full of pond scum and algae and a whole lot of people keep pouring in MiracleGro and getting mad that women don’t like pond scum. You’re trying to find a partner in an environment that encourages developing the wrong traits, beliefs and attitudes in the gender you’re trying to start a relationship with. That’s going to make things a lot harder.

But let’s get back to what I said about the standards you’re professing and the ones that I’m not sure you’re aware of… and why they can be a problem.

Now to be sure: I don’t mean this in the sense of “oh, you want X because ALL women do, even if you don’t know it.” I mean it in the sense of “there are things that we don’t think of as standards,” partially because it seems patently obvious but partly because we rarely have reason to think about them. And, just as importantly, we don’t think about the other parts of our lives that interact with and influence those standards. You wouldn’t think of “I have to like them” or “I feel safe and secure with them” as being standards, so much as “universal basic prerequisites”, but they are.

The problem is, sometimes we don’t realize how those can get in the way of meeting the right person. Occasionally, we’ve got s—t going on under the hood that ends up drawing us to people who, for one reason or another, aren’t a good fit for us romantically, and we don’t know why it keeps happening. The classic “I’m always attracted to people who don’t like me back/ are wrong for me/ treat me badly” is a primary example of what I mean.

If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about how we are all very bad at understanding how we feel and why, and how various external and internal factors affect our emotions. There are a lot of systems at work under the hood that influence who we find appealing and who we’re drawn to, and we often don’t realize how many of them are in play or why. That means that when there’s a bug in the code or a gear slippage somewhere, we don’t make the connection as to how that’s affecting other parts of the system.

I mention all this because there’re a couple points in your letter that leapt out at me as being a sign of what may be going on. The first is your combo of social anxiety, trust issues and reproductive health worries. The second is your tendency to fall for men who are in relationships and end up friends instead. I believe the former is directly influencing the latter. I think your various anxieties and worries lead you to being more drawn to men who don’t set off your highly-sensitive Spidey-sense, and that lack of alarm must feel like a cool washcloth on a hot, fevered brow.

It just happens with these men in particular because these are men who’re interacting with you without any sort of romantic or sexual agenda. They’re just, y’know, being friendly. While I have no doubt they’re genuinely good guys who treat everyone with respect, part of that is because they’re already in a relationship. For a lot of folks, it’s much easier for many to relax and just vibe with people when they’re partnered up; there’s less of the self-imposed pressure to juggle “maybe friend, maybe date” and the way that can play into the interaction – consciously or unconsciously. A lot of folks also feel more relaxed and confident when they don’t feel like they have to be “on the market” and showing a more curated side of themselves.

So as a result: you end up being drawn to guys who don’t trigger those anxieties and they make you feel safe, but they’re safe because they’re partnered up, which serves to make you feel more frustrated and demoralized, and you end up blaming yourself and asking what is wrong with you.

And if I’m being honest, I think the ways you’re blaming yourself and getting frustrated at yourself get in the way. I’m a big believer that some of the worst words in the English language are “should” and “supposed to” – as in, “you’re not supposed to be dating when you’re middle-aged.” This is profoundly unhelpful and limiting; you’re telling yourself you’ve failed at life because you’re having a very understandable and common struggle, and that’s going to sap your morale and emotional resilience. It’s hard to bounce back from disappointment when you’re treating yourself as a failure and a loser. But just as importantly, it’s not even true. Even if we leave out cases like yours, where someone simply hasn’t had a relationship at your age, middle-aged people date all the time! Getting into a relationship in your 20s isn’t some magical ritual that guarantees the relationship’s success and longevity until you both die at the exact same time. Folks in their 40s find themselves single on a daily basis! Forty-something couples break up! They get divorced! Partners die! Acting as though being single at a certain age is a marker of anything besides “I’m not currently in a relationship” is the definition of a self-limiting belief… especially when you treat it as a personal, existential failing.   

(And, just to indulge a personal pet-peeve for a second, I can’t stand the “if you don’t get in a relationship by X age, it’s too late because everyone’s coupled up and there’s no one left” variant of the discourse. Relationships end all the goddamn time. People re-enter the dating market at every age and couple up at every age. F--king hell, there is a straight up STI crisis in retirement communities because everyone assumes they can’t get pregnant after 50 and so don’t bother with condoms!)

The same thing goes for comparing yourself to others in your social circle and telling yourself that you’re failing for not having the exact same results they did, with the same level of effort. There’s a reason why we say that comparison is the thief of joy, after all. Your relationship timeline is not and will never be the same as theirs, no matter how closely it matches or how much it diverges. Not only are you not them – you haven’t lived their exact lives, had the exact same experiences at the exact same time, with the exact same people – but you don’t get the full, uncensored, unedited download of their experiences in dating. Even with your closest friends, you’re still getting a highlight reel, not the raw footage. Their dating successes or failures aren’t the yardstick to measure your own by, simply because the metrics don’t match.

So, what do you do about all of this? Well, for one thing, I think it’s time to shift your focus and your priorities. Believe me, I understand and empathize with your frustration and wanting to not just find a relationship but to have found one yesterday (or last year or last decade or…), but I think you should be putting the focus on resolving and managing your trust issues and social anxiety. I think those are forming a major roadblock for you and making it harder to meet and connect with the right people. It’s hard to find someone who’s a good match when your subconscious keeps directing you towards folks who are “safe” because they’re unavailable. Similarly, it’s hard to lay the foundation a relationship needs when you have a hard time with trust or the way that the process of dating and meeting people stresses you out.

It’s a lot like trying to drive with the emergency brake on and a tire that’s leaking air; you might get where you’re going eventually, but it’s going to be a struggle at best, and it’s going to damage everything else in the process. Fixing those issues means having a much smoother, faster ride, with far more control and less wear and tear that will cause even bigger problems later.

Now I don’t know if that’s ever been something you and your therapist have ever actually addressed, if it’s never come up and you decided you wanted to focus on the dating thing or what. But if you’ve been seeing the same therapist for eight years and you don’t feel like things are working for you… well, honestly, that sounds like it’s time to try a new therapist. Therapy is a lot like a relationship; if it’s not working for you the way you need, staying longer isn’t gonna make it start working. And – again, like relationships – sometimes you outgrow your therapist. They were right for you at one point in your journey, but now your needs have changed. So I would suggest that yes, it’s time to maybe look elsewhere and see about finding someone who gets you and who you connect with.

And I do think it’s valid to consider moving. I know moving simply because you think it may be easier to meet someone can feel frivolous, it ain’t frivolous when it’s important to you. You get to decide what’s important and how to arrange your priorities. Other people (including loudmouth assholes with an advice column) can have opinions, but they don’t get votes.

Just as importantly though, sometimes it really is a case that you’re living in the wrong place. We wouldn’t tell a queer person that moving to a big city instead of staying in a small, conservative town with only one other gay person is a foolish mistake. While I get that you like your life where you are, you are dealing with a demographic issue. It’s a lot easier to find folks who are compatible with you when there are more people in general who meet the basic requirements. If you’re a wild-eyed leftist or an LGBTQ person in a deep red state, you’re going to be dealing with a much smaller pool of options to choose from. Bluer states, larger cities and/or more cosmopolitan cultures (including college towns) tend to have more possibilities simply because of raw numbers.

The last thing I’ll say is that I don’t think you need to give up, but I do think that maybe you should give yourself permission to take a break from dating for a while. As you said: you’ve been at this for literal decades; it’s not exactly a surprise that you’re exhausted. Sometimes a motherf--ker just needs a rest. I know you’re hearing the emotional equivalent of the Super Mario “time’s running out” music in your head, but even people in perfect shape in the prime of their lives see their performance suffer when they’ve gassed out. You’re allowed to stop and recover, to recoup your energy and do the things that feed and replenish your soul. Taking some time off – like a vacation or sabbatical – can let you replenish the emotional resources and drive to keep going. And when paired with changing your focus to your emotional health, it means that when you come back to it, you’ll be tanned, toned, rested and ready to give the ol’ town a wedgie again.

And the important part is that a break isn’t forever. It can last precisely as short or as long as you need it to. If you decide you’re giving up (or “accepting that it will never work”), you’re making it that much harder to change your mind later; you have to push past the “well, you said you were giving this up for good, remember” barrier of ego-protection. Knowing that you can dip back in when you’re ready – for whatever definition of “ready” you decide to roll with – means you don’t have to fight to open the door again.

I know, I know; you’re worried that it’s only going to get worse as things go on. I promise you: that’s just anxiety. It’s the sunk-cost fallacy, telling you that you have to keep at this or else you’ve “wasted” all that time. But trust me: taking a break is what’s going to make it possible to succeed, the same way that letting the mechanic overhaul the engine makes it possible for the car to get where you need it to go.

Take care of yourself, and you’ll see how much easier it becomes to take care of the rest of things.

You’ll be OK. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s this girl I’ve known and been friends with for a while at work. We’re both university students, I’m 20 and she’s 21 but really, we’re less than 6 months apart. She’s shy and quiet but really nerdy and funny once you get to know her, and so attractive for the longest time I couldn’t believe she wasn’t taken.

Well you’ll be proud, I finally got around to asking her out. She said she liked me, but she’s a virgin, which is very late for our country’s culture, who has never even dated and the reason why is embarrassing. 

We went out for drinks and later at my place she told me even though she is straight with a high sex drive, she has always been grossed out by the idea of straight sex. She wasn’t raped or abused, it’s just how she’s always felt. The only thing that gets her hot is gay sex, mainly in fantasy situations where the bottom man gets pregnant. She showed me art by herself and online friends of different characters pregnant and stories they wrote about this.

I won’t lie, it was weird and might have turned me off, if I wasn’t already into her. She said if I wanted to try out a relationship I would have to be okay with no penis in her vagina, ever, just kissing, hands, maybe oral, and maybe, maybe, maybe someday anal. Also, if I would read and talk about her stories with her.

I’m completely straight but have nothing against gays or gay sex. Am I crazy to consider this? My friend who’s my housemate says I am, I should be friends with her but keep looking for a normal girl to date. However, he is a lot taller and more outgoing than me, he has a lot more options, so he doesn’t quite understand.

My only concern is that I want to have kids someday, I mean in 5-10 years. I know there are other methods of conception, I’m mostly just concerned about a woman who is turned on by pregnancy and babies. I know it’s weird to think this far ahead about someone I’m just thinking about dating in university. But it also seems weird, once you’re an adult to start a relationship knowing for certain that it can’t last. What is your advice?

– Mpreg and Mpeg

DEAR MPREG AND MPEG: Well hey, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a letter quite to this standard, so let’s reiterate the usual disclaimer: even if a letter is glaringly fake, if there’s something of value to be learned from it, I’m not going to fuss too much about its authenticity. And in this case, I think there’re a couple valuable lessons to be found here.

First and foremost: call me skeptical, call me old and out of touch with The Youths (just don’t call me before 9 AM) but I don’t think the issue here is that she’s only turned on by mpreg fanfic. I think what we have here is a lot simpler, a lot more common and a lot more banal: we have a young woman who isn’t necessarily comfortable with sex and sexuality and especially with the inherent risks that women face when they’re sexually active. She may be sex-repulsed and on the asexual spectrum, or she may, like a lot of young people in general and women in particular, uncomfortable with the way that culture tends to sexualize and objectify young women.

If I’m being honest, I suspect the latter and the key is in her choice of fanfic. One of the reasons why many young straight women enjoy stories featuring queer men and their relationships is because it’s one of the few times you’ll see men in fiction actually expressing a full range of human emotions and expression. Even in a lot of romances, toxic and restrictive ideas about masculinity tend to loom large and straight men are constrained to their roles as the stoic, dominant leader types. But in queer relationships, we see men engage in the entire spectrum of emotion and connection. They’re allowed to be submissive, to be nurturing and caring, to be openly expressive of their feelings. They can inhabit other roles in the relationship, be jealous or nervous or insecure in ways that don’t line up with dominance or aggression. They can be soft and gentle, in ways you aren’t likely to see in the portrayal of straight relationships.

There’s also the way that roles are reversed and taboos played with. One of the reasons why queer men are often derided by straight men is because of the idea that bottoming – that is, being the receptive partner – is inherently weak and degrading. At least a man who’s topping another man is in a position of dominance and control, or so the theory goes; that’s as it should be. It’s a man being penetrated, in defiance of what is supposedly the natural order. It’s why being “the bitch” is a mark of disdain; they’re allowing themselves to be dominated by another person and thus lowering their masculine status.��(We’ll ignore things like prostate play or topping from the bottom; that just tends to break some straight dude’s brains.)  

Part of what makes mpreg popular is how it takes the idea of the man bottoming being in the feminine role to its (il)logical extreme: not only does is he being fucked instead of doing the fucking, he’s being impregnated. It’s quite literally emasculating, putting a man into the ultimate female role. For a lot of people, breaking that taboo can be incredibly hot.

(There’s also a certain amount of fetishization of sperm and a man’s potency involved as well, which is why you’ll also see mpreg fantasies in queer male spaces too, but that’s neither here nor there.)

For a young woman, one who isn’t necessarily comfortable with the expectations and desires society and culture puts on her and the way it treats her, this can be a way of exploring her own sexuality and desires in ways that don’t trigger the squickiness of the real world. It allows her to play around with dominance and submission, masculinity and femininity, even breeding and potency in ways that don’t reflect her day-to-day life. It’s a space where she can appreciate pleasure for her own sake, without the feeling that her body and sexuality is ultimately for other people’s consumption. And, if I’m right, it’s also a way of turning a very real and understandable fear into delicious wank-fodder through the transformative power of fetishization.

Based on what you say later, I’m willing to bet a lot of her feeling uncomfortable with sex has a lot to do with the risk of pregnancy. The fact that PIV sex would be off the table, while oral and anal sex are maybes, helps support that theory. I strongly suspect that, as she gets older, gets more experience under her belt becomes more of her own person, her feelings on sex and sexuality may well change. Doubly so if she’s able to access some form of birth control, whether short term or long-term, that isn’t reliant on trusting men to have condoms and to actually keep them on.

But that’s a lot of ifs and maybes and supposition. If we stick to what’s definitely on the table… well, it’s a take it or leave it kind of situation, You can certainly go into this hoping that those multiple maybes become “yes” or that things will change as she grows and becomes more confident and experienced, but you have to accept the very strong likelihood – a near certainty, really – that what you get now is all you that will be on offer.

More to the point, however, I think you’re coming to this from the wrong place. Specifically, I think you’re treating this as “this is my only option and all I can get,” and coming to it from a place of scarcity. And look, I’ve been there and done that. I stayed in a toxic relationship for far longer than I should have because I thought that it was the best I could do. Not only was I wrong about that, I was wrong to stay for as long as I did; being single is a hell of a lot better than being in a s--tty relationship. So is being in a relationship that doesn’t actually meet your needs, just so that you could have a relationship. Even under the best of circumstances, this is just a recipe for resentment and dissatisfaction. But more to the point, I am here from the future to tell you that when this relationship ends – and it will end – it’ll end in a way that makes you feel worse about yourself and like you’ve given up far too much and lost too much time when you didn’t need to.

I’m sure she’s a lovely woman and under other circumstances, might make for an interesting, very short-term fling. But it’s not what you want or need, and it’s not going to satisfy you. It’ll just serve to make you feel like you’re lesser, as though you’re such a loser that you can’t get laid even though you have a girlfriend. That’s a s--tty way to feel, even though (or especially because) there’s nothing actually wrong with that relationship. It’s just not one that’s going to work for you, and entering it under the idea of “well, this is the best I can do” is going to lead to you making yourself feel worse and ultimately blaming her for your issues.

You deserve better than that and so does she. And trust me when I tell you that you’ll be a lot happier staying single and meeting someone who’s right for you than to go into a relationship where you know certain needs will go unmet, in hopes that maybe you could change her mind. That’s just disaster waiting to happen. Been there, done that, could’ve printed the t-shirt.

She’s a great woman, I’m sure… but she’s not right for you, and you’re not right for her. Take this for what it is – confirmation that you do have options, that women do find you attractive – and let that spur you to find someone who is right for you.

That is, of course, assuming that she exists and this isn’t someone’s creative writing experiment.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: We really are living the darkest timeline and it only seems to get more and more hopeless. From Trump and Musk getting drunk with power and the many people around you who knew what they were doing because they wanted to upset the other side. It’s so hard to remain optimistic even hopeful and it doesn’t help that getting more and more hopeless. A small part of me is convinced being nice or kind isn’t really the way to succeed in either dating or anything really, like the people who climb to the top of society lied, manipulated, backstabbed and threw others under the bus to get to where they are now like Elon Musk or Martin Shkreli, and if consequences come it’s usually a slap on the wrist like Shkreli got.

Same with dating, I’m saying this earnestly say this; good guys don’t even finish last, they don’t even start period but at the same time I wanna be the good guy lots of women supposedly yearn for but it’s very hard when year stories like this; Neo Nazis who get married and have families, Men who appeared on Chris Hansen’s to Catch A Predator who got married after getting caught or monsters in prisons like Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez or Ian Watkins getting conjugal visits and love letters from lots of women (side note you never see men going crazy over serial killer women like Karla Hamolka or Cassey Anthony like this)

Drug Dealers who ravaged and destroyed communities around me buying their 2nd Lamborghini for their big house. Like I’m sorry but yeah this isn’t fair, but I’ve trying to live honestly and earnestly with my morals and yet haven’t gotten in a relationship yet even though I’m nothing like the guys who I described. Which surprise it’s another source of my own anxiety because if there is something Intersectional sex positive progressives (just look how LGBT community treats ACE people who aren’t interested in kink or being slutty) and alpha male manosphere red pill types both fundamentally agree on is that a man with no relationship experience or sexual experience IE incel/virgin (these days you can’t separate the two) is a man of low to non-existent value. Because shocker sexual experience is tied with his moral character, whether he’s desired by other women because well women want a man who’s desirable to other women and if he’s a virgin especially at an older age (that’s me) he’s therefore unf--kable, undesirable and unlovable and reasons why it hasn’t happened are irrelevant. And well trying to look for stories of women who’ve slept with or dated older virgins and well it with every positive encounter you’ll have like 10 stories the story of her being bored and leaving to well just wanting an “upgrade”.

So how do I keep this light shining in this bleak hell world, how do I keep that spark of hope as said hopelessness and anxiety is consuming me? How do I stop self-harming and self-sabotaging myself for my shortcomings and failures?

Sincerely 

Keeping the Spark Alight

DEAR KEEPING THE SPARK ALIGHT: I’m not exactly surprised to be getting more letters like this, considering, well, everything. I’d recommend you check out some of the other letters I’ve covered on this topic as a starting point, KSA, but there’re a couple things that you bring up, specifically, that I feel should be addressed.

Let’s start off with debunking a myth: the number of romantically idolized serial killers and the like is vastly overstated and poorly explained. While many criminals have had their fans – Pretty Boy Floyd, Bonnie and Clyde and others are some prime examples – this is as much about media coverage and the effects of glamour and infamy. Pretty Boy Floyd, for example, was popular in part because he consciously affected a Robin Hood persona of robbing from banks (at a time when banks were busy foreclosing on everyone) and giving money to people who’d hide him from the police. That helped make him an underdog or folk hero in the eyes of many, rather than a violent criminal.

But with regards to serial killers like Bundy or Ramirez, it’s more accurate to say that people are drawn to them because people want the transitive power of fame and celebrity, more than it being about attraction to the individual. Much of the myth of their appeal ties far more to their portrayal in movies by conventionally attractive actors like Mark Harmon or Zac Effron, and the fact that they featured in movies at all.

Ariel Castro and Josef Fritzl weren’t exactly dealing with hordes of women throwing their panties at them, nor is there a line of women dying to hook up with folks who, say, shot a bunch of people in a bodega during a robbery.

Focusing on the outliers just creates a false impression that really only serves to reinforce your pre-existing beliefs and a sense that evil should be inherently repugnant to people and the universe in general. Which actually brings me to my next point.

The litany of complaints you give right at the top can really be summed up with “it really sucks when bad people don’t get punished for being bad”. And… yes. It does. It’s not fair. But fairness isn’t the issue here. The problem you’re having is that you’re expecting the universe to be fair and to do the punishing.

This is what’s known as the Just World Fallacy – the idea that people “get what they deserve”, as though there’s a morality mechanic to life and if you cross a particular threshold, you get handed appropriate rewards or punishments. It’s something that comes up a lot when we see folks that we think are succeeding despite being awful… but it also comes up when we think about folks who get harmed by others. A lot of victims of assault, rape, robbery and so on are treated as though they “deserve” their suffering. If someone’s not the ‘perfect’ victim, they’re often disbelieved or treated as though they’re responsible for what happened to them. People who are suffering from poverty, being unhoused, dealing with addiction issues… if they don’t fit the “right” narrative, it’s often seen as being their fault.

This is why I actually appreciate the inherent unfairness of life, even if I wish it were otherwise. It’s a reminder that life is something that happens, and it’s up to us to shape and direct it. To quote Marcus Cole: “I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?’ So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.” 

The problem with holding onto the idea that good is rewarded and evil is punished is that it tends to blind us to the world around us and why things happen the way they do. When we attribute reward and punishment to God, the universe, karma, whatever, we don’t have any real motivation to look around and say “hang on a minute… this isn’t right.” It lets us off the hook because hey, what can you do, that’s how the universe works…

(And I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t point out that karmic outcomes are something that happens after you die. Karma doesn’t reward or punish you in this life, it determines what happens to you in the next life. The same thing applies in Christian theology: you get punished for your sins in the afterlife, not during.)

Karma isn’t responsible for, say, people being unhoused, minorities being sentenced to longer and harsher penalties than white people convicted of similar crimes or why some crimes get punished and others go uninvestigated. That’s not a matter of God having left the building, that’s the result of structural issues within society. Those structural and systematic problems aren’t the result of laws of nature or acts of a divine system of morality, they’re systems and structures created by people.

That means, in turn, that it’s up to people to fix them. A more just, equitable world isn’t going to just happen; it’s on us to make it happen. That means having to take your own agency and privilege and put it to use. The moral arc of the universe bends towards justice, not because of any natural law, but because a whole bunch of determined motherf--kers grabbed onto one end and started pulling. If justice is going to be inevitable, it’s going to take people who make it so, rather than hoping and waiting.

That same issue – that the punishment and rewards come from people taking action, rather than from inherent fairness of the universe – applies to your other complaints too. You’re attributing romantic success or failure to both the unfairness of the universe, perceived slights and the supposedly inalterable attitudes of people based on little more supposition and self-limiting beliefs and occasional s--tty posts on social media that confirm your preexisting beliefs.

It doesn’t exactly take the work of a master detective to figure out how much time you’re spending on incel forums and listening to other people complain about why bad boys win and nice guys lose and crafting grand theories that tacitly ignore things like “developing charisma” and “being assertive and making a move” and instead attributing it to evopsych bulls--t. Attributing sexual experience to moral character is just the same s--t drenched in different artificial flavoring.

To be blunt: your entire argument barely hangs together at all and is entirely dependent on begging the question. The only way it makes any sense requires first accepting the premise as being correct and then relying on random forum posts that your confirmation bias regards as “proof” while conveniently hand-waving away equally anecdotal posts that don’t confirm your priors. You’re buying into all sorts of bulls--t – such as “women want men who are desired by other women” – that comes almost entirely from people in the PUA/Red-pill crowds, whose sources are “dude trust me” and “everyone knows this”. At best, the people you’re hearing from are misunderstanding the concept of vetting or social proof; at worst, they’re relying on things that pick-up artists like Mystery wrote back in 2004. These are theories that, I might point out, were composed under the rigorous scientific method of “yeah, sounds about right to me” while sitting around at an LA diner at 4 AM.

And to add to it all, you’re creating and mixing up examples that have nothing to do with one another, in order to prop up your confirmation bias around virginity and morality. Being part of the LGBTQ community doesn’t automatically make you sex-positive, nor a progressive, nor does that have anything to do with the supposed desirability or seeming flaws of someone who’s a virgin. Queer people can be assholes, the same way straight people can. Queer and straight people can even be s--tty to the same people for the same reason – just ask bi and pan folks. But that has nothing to do with anything that you’re talking about, nor does it even tie into your complaints about fairness or morality. You’ve moved from morality to social value and status, and the two are rather clearly not the same… even if you’re treating both as things that just happen rather than acts of deliberate will.

Much like justice and fairness, social value or status doesn’t just “happen”, nor does it get handed out. These things are cultivated and created, born out of action, not mere existence, and value and status are as deeply personal and nuanced as what makes someone attractive. Put me next to various sports heroes, and while I may have some admiration for their athleticism, I don’t find them particularly awe-inspiring, nor do I really find them to have great social value or cachet among me and my friends. Drop someone like Matt Mercer, Lou Wilson, Lindsay Ellis or Hbomberguy in the mix, on the other hand and people will lose their goddamn minds. And the same goes both ways; people I went to high-school or college with could meet Brennan Lee Mulligan and have no idea who he is or why he’s a big deal, even though he sold out Madison Square Garden.

All of which is to say that you’re creating all sorts of reasons and theories to explain why things are unfair and hopeless, when all you’re really doing is just reinforcing your own sense of helplessness and lack of agency. Just as it takes people to bend the moral arc of the universe – that is, people taking an active hand in shaping the world around them – it takes being an active participant in your own life to build and generate attraction.

All any of this is, is another variation of thinking that being a “nice guy” is all it takes for people to be interested in you – as though sex is the reward for maxing out the light side of the morality meter. It’s not. Sex and attraction comes about through interaction with other people and – importantly – how you make them feel. Being isn’t the same thing as doing, and hoping that just being is going to do the work for you is a fool’s errand at best.

Even someone who’s classically handsome has to actually put in effort – both in terms of presentation to make themselves look good, but also in interpersonal connection. Just standing there like a handsome statue doesn’t get you laid.

As I’ve said before: the sex-gettingest men I have ever known have run the gamut from tall and muscular to short and fat, from classically handsome to borderline gargoyle… but every single one of them were fun to be around. They made people feel good. They were taking an active hand in getting to know people, connecting with them and building attraction, rather than hoping that someone would just intuit their positive qualities. Just as importantly, they didn’t attribute their failures – and they did indeed have failures, as every human does – to unfairness or injustice in the universe or some all-encompassing attitude about whatever random quality they may have. They took it as either “this didn’t work” or “this person wasn’t right for me” and moved on.

It’s undeniable that the world is an unfair place. But that’s because that’s just the world. It is what we make of it. If we want a better world, we have to take action to make it so. And to be clear, people are. The Tesla Takedown movement is producing very real results, sapping away at the financial fiction that gives Elon Musk any sort of authority or influence. Protests have been forcing the administration to reverse course, while people have been making their elected officials actually serve the public interest as the public that they serve expresses precisely how pissed off they are. Action gets the job done.

The same applies to your personal life. If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. And in many cases that means actually doing things. If you want people to see you as a viable sexual partner, you have to take action to make yourself one. That means, among other things, letting go of the idea that being a virgin automatically disqualifies you or that being “good” is all it takes. You have to work on your social skills and your presentation. You have to actually go and meet people, to put yourself out there and connect with folks instead of hoping that it will “just happen”.

You also need to take your foot off the brakes and stop doing the stupid things that only serve to demotivate you. This is, yet again, why I tell people to get the f--k off the Internet, go outside and touch grass. If you’re doing nothing but marinating in your own misery online, that’s all you’re going to see, because all your socials will gleefully serve up as much as you can slurp down. All you’re doing is just listening to other crabs in the same bucket, telling you that it’s all pointless and hopeless and you should give up. They want to pull down anyone who tries to crawl back out because if someone does get out of the bucket, it means that they have to confront how much of this is the result of their own choices.

Getting off the socials, closing your accounts and making a point of going out and interacting with real people, in the physical world will do you far more good than any amount of searching Reddit for the incel equivalent of just-so stories. Taking deliberate action to make changes in your life will give you better results and change your attitude much faster than sitting around, complaining that there are weirdos writing to serial killers in prison.  

And, incidentally, considering you drop comments about self-harm at the end of your letter, one of the steps you should be taking is get your ass to therapy.

You can be a bystander in life, or you can be an active participant. But if you choose to just be, instead of taking on an active role, then you have little to complain about when your dreams just pass you by without stopping. It’s only going to happen when you make it happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com