Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When I recently went to visit my aunt’s and uncle’s graves during a home visit, I saw a family a few rows down having a full-out picnic around a gravesite.

Honestly, it gave me the creeps, but it seemed like business as usual for the people at the picnic.

Doesn’t it seem disrespectful and more than a little weird to have a picnic party in a graveyard? --- CREEPED OUT

DEAR CREEPED OUT: Cemetery picnics are neither as strange nor unusual as you might think. Far from being creepy or disrespectful, graveside meals are a long-recognized and accepted way for the bereaved to honor and remember those they’ve lost.

At one time it was a not at all uncommon practice here in the U.S. for family and friends to make a meal part of their visit to the departed, and it remains an ongoing tradition in many cultures. Take for example El Día de los Muertos, observed throughout much of the world, wherein graveside meals are a centerpiece of the celebrations.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy and has been struggling to get back to her pre-pregnancy body. I think she’s done a fantastic job, and except for a little extra around her mid-section, she looks to me like she’s got her figure completely back.

Because she was heavy as a child, she has always been sensitive about her appearance, even after she toned up and slimmed down once she got through puberty.

Her body image hang-up is now threatening to affect our annual family beach vacation plans. She told me the other day that she can’t face the extended family, “looking the way she does.” She refuses to even consider a tankini or other style of bathing suit that would be less revealing, and I reminded her that there’s so much more to the vacation than just the couple hours a day we usually spend on the beach.

I can’t help but worry that there’s more going on than just her unwillingness to put on a swimsuit. I have tried talking to her, but she just tells me that missing one family vacation is not the end of the world.

How hard do you think I should push the subject? This is one week when we all get together, my five children and their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends, and my sister and her family. It means a lot to me to have everyone together. --- MORE THAN BEACH TIME

DEAR MORE THAN BEACH TIME: Since there is, as you say, more to a beach vacation with family than the hours spent on the beach, it might be worth your asking your daughter, in a gentle, general way, if something beyond her not hitting her weight loss goals is preventing her from wanting to be part of the annual tradition. For instance, depending on how long ago she had her baby, it’s possible she’s still coping with all the changes that come with parenthood. Or, there could be other completely unrelated causes for her wanting to skip the trip.

If she pushes back and makes it clear she doesn’t want to discuss her reason for opting out right now, it would probably be best to back off and give her some time and space.

As much as I can appreciate your wanting to have the family gathered together, it isn’t always possible, and as you’ve most likely already figured out, traditions and expectations eventually become more fluid as time goes on and circumstances change for your clan.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: There is an older couple on our block who are the sweetest, kindest, most considerate people I have ever met. They take care of the rest of the families on the block like we are their actual family.

Recently, the husband has started having some health issues, and when we and some of our other neighbors offered to help in any way we can, the wife said they had everything under control and thanked us.

Without forcing ourselves on these good people, what can we neighbors do to repay all that they’ve done for us over the years? --- WANT TO HELP

DEAR WANT TO HELP: Perhaps the way to repay your favorite neighbors isn’t through any grand gestures, but with ongoing small services such as taking in their trash or recycling bins, weeding a flowerbed, offering to pick up groceries for them while you’re at the store, or dropping off “leftovers” that you intentionally made too much of.

There are many small things you can do that may not seem like much to you, but will at least let the neighborhood grandparents know they’re being thought of and that there are people ready, willing, and able to repay some of their good acts through the years.