Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: In our dorm we have gender-neutral bathrooms and showers. This year is the first time this is how all the bathrooms/showers in the freshman dorms are set up. It was mentioned this was happening when my parents and I toured the campus before I applied to the school, so I cannot say I was not aware this was going to be the reality. I like that the university is supportive of gender-fluidity, but I am just not sure the shared shower part is for me.

I am an only child, and had my own bathroom most of my life. In middle and high school, we had single-sex locker rooms, so I never really thought about how it would be to be in a gender-shared shower.

Bathrobes are required here, but not always used, and it still makes me uncomfortable never knowing who I will run into coming into or out of the shower or how covered they will be. The stalls only have curtains covering the openings and separating the shower stalls, and I have had to learn to take really fast showers at odd times of the day to be more comfortable.

I can’t wait until I get out of the freshman dorm and into an apartment next year. Is it wrong to care so much about the shower thing? --- NEVER KNOW WHO’S IN THE NEXT SHOWER OVER

DEAR NEVER KNOW WHO’S IN THE NEXT SHOWER OVER: No, I don’t believe you’re wrong caring about your communal bathroom experience. With gender-neutrality rapidly becoming increasingly prevalent in many areas of life, it’s understandable that people need some time to acclimate to the new realities.

Communal bathroom facilities come with unique considerations for those who find themselves having to use them. I’ve heard stories of dorm life where the school wasn’t very good at maintaining the communal showers, and the students had to provide their own privacy shower curtains. It sounds like in your dorm, at least, that isn’t an issue.

From what you’ve written, you’ve already found ways to deal with your showering privacy needs. Even if they’re not an ideal fix, they demonstrate your willingness to adapt to and make the most of the circumstances in which you find yourself. That ability to flex with situations should serve you well as you move through life.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Now that my kids are back to school my boss asked me if I wanted to put in more hours at my job. I work as a cashier/supervisor, and the company has been good to me in working around my schedule for the past couple of years since I went to work there, including giving me fewer hours during the summer and the schedule I need to be more at home with my kids when they get in from school.

It is far from big money, but it is some money that we could use towards the kids’ college funds and a nicer vacation next year. However, taking the extra hours would mean I won’t be home when my kids get off the bus three days a week, and that is my favorite part of the day with them, outside of our bedtime routines.

A friend said she would cover for me those three days, since she is home with her kids anyway at that time of the day, but I feel funny asking her, especially since I know she won’t take any money.

Honestly, I started working just to have something to do while the kids are at school and make a little money. We are blessed to not really NEED the extra cash I would be making, but we can always use it.

I love being home when my kids are, but how do I put that in front of bringing in more money for their futures? --- TIME VS. MONEY

DEAR TIME VS. MONEY: You’ve already undoubtedly come to appreciate how kids don’t stay little forever. That knowledge puts a lot of pressure on many parents about how best to juggle the need to provide for their family with having enough time to enjoy their children while they’re still young.

Since it sounds like your heart is more at home than at work, I think you’re already leaning toward keeping your shifts as they currently are. And there’s nothing wrong with that if your family isn’t counting on your income to survive.

If, however, you opt to put in the extra hours at your job, you’re fortunate to have a friend available and willing to watch your kids after school on the days you’d be at work. If her kids and yours get along, it might not be that different from your children heading over to a friend’s house right after school, just like they’d potentially do even if you were home.

As far as repaying your friend, you could possibly propose a swap on weekends or evenings during the week to take her kids so she’d have a chance to do other things. It may not be an hour-for-hour exchange, but it’s one way to repay her kindness.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am proud of my husband’s commitment to his community. He coaches little league baseball and football, volunteers at the homeless shelter, and is on two committees at our church.

It’s wonderful knowing what a good guy I’m married to, but sometimes it can be a little bit lonely with him gone so much of the time between working and volunteering. He encourages me to get more involved, but I have social anxiety issues, and find it easier to keep myself busy at home or with a few family members and old friends. But that pool is getting smaller.

Do you think I ought to tell him just how lonely I am, especially since my parents retired and moved away and my old friends are all getting understandably wrapped up in their families’ lives? --- MISS HAVING TIME WITH MY HUSBAND

DEAR MISS HAVING TIME WITH MY HUSBAND: I think it’s fair to say that in the case of you and your husband, opposites attracted. And yes, you most certainly need to let him know how you’re feeling, especially with the recent changes within your usual local social network.

You used the word “our” to describe the church where your husband serves on two committees. Is it possible for you to join at least one of those committees, if it would be easier on your anxiety to be where your husband also is? It could be a way for you to get to know some fellow parishioners on a smaller scale, and perhaps become involved, even if it’s behind-the-scenes on a few projects that will serve the dual purposes of helping you connect with a wider range of people and giving you the satisfaction of doing some good for the church or larger community.