Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Five years ago our oldest child started her own company. She was able to take it literally from her basement to a proper business facility, with six people now working for her. Her mother and I agreed to loan her some cash to help get things started in the beginning. She has since completely paid us back, in less time than the loan was set up for.

My youngest, who is a good kid, but tends to dream bigger than he ever follows through on, approached me and his mother during the holidays asking if he too could borrow some money to go into a business with his best friend. They are talking about starting a sign shop, since both of them are good at graphic design and tech-savvy. What they’re asking for is more than his sister needed, and I am not so sure they have thought out their business plan quite as thoroughly as she did.

My wife is likewise reluctant to put out cash she is worried she’ll never see again. We are both looking at retiring in the next two or three years, and can use all the savings we can get.

How do we tell our son we are just not comfortable with loaning him money right now? He is not going to take it well, especially since we helped his sister out. --- NOT SURE WE CAN HELP

DEAR NOT SURE WE CAN HELP: You mentioned your daughter had a business plan. Do your son and his friend? If they don’t, consider suggesting they sit down with someone, who is both reliable and knowledgeable, to draft something up that could potentially bring their plans into the real world and guide them through the next steps to achieve their goals.

The second major issue here is that being five years closer to retirement than when you helped your daughter, you and your wife are currently in a different financial position. This is something you can discuss with your son, by way of being a solid reason for your reluctance to loan out money that may take years to be repaid.

Perhaps if financial support isn’t possible at this time, you might offer to assist their venture in other ways, such as helping them figure out options to secure financial backing or working with them to get things up and running, starting small and growing their business — like your daughter successfully did.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: The day I got my first car, my dad had me show him that I could change a flat tire, check the oil, and understand everything on the dashboard.

Of course, these days computer chips will tell you when some things need to be taken care of, but they can’t change a tire, put in some oil, replace windshield wipers, and just plain put water in the radiator.

I have told my kids (ages 19-31) that there is a lot to be said for being able to understand some of the simplest workings of your car, not to mention how to deal with some problems all on your own, especially if it comes down to your needing to do so.

Why are kids from their generation so happy to be ignorant about things that can be not just useful, but very important sometimes? --- THEY JUST DON’T GET IT

DEAR THEY JUST DON’T GET IT: While I’m far from mechanically savvy, I agree with you that it’s important for laymen to be able to handle some basic car maintenance — just in case. More than once, I’ve had to change a tire, and I’ve long considered it a skill well worth having.

Part of the issue now-a-days is something you already mentioned. Cars are programmed to monitor increasing numbers of routine functions. It’s also easy for people to pull up how-tos on their phones or other devices as needed.

However, that’s no substitution for being able to handle real-life emergent situations like safely putting on a spare tire or topping off an overheating radiator, especially if you don’t happen to have Wi-Fi access when troubles arise. I think it’s a good idea to remind your adult children that knowing how to do these things could very well save them time and trouble one day.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mother went into a depression when both her parents died within a year of each other. She was beyond close with them, even taking care of her dad right up until he died while he was living with my mom and her husband.

Her regular doctor had her go to a psychiatrist to get evaluated for depression after she started losing weight, not sleeping well, and finding she was having problems concentrating, and the bloodwork she ordered all came back looking normal.

My mother started taking the meds prescribed by the psychiatrist, who diagnosed her for sure as having situational depression. At first they made her sleepy, and then more anxious instead of less. She started having very dark thoughts, and when the doctor wanted to switch up the meds to ones he thought might work better for her and have fewer side effects, Mom shut down on taking meds altogether, because she was afraid that any other pills would make her worse.

I can truly appreciate where she’s coming from, but now it’s going on half a year since she started going downhill herself, and everyone in the family thinks she needs something to help her. She recently started therapy — at long last, but doesn’t have much faith in it.

How much should everyone who cares about her push to get her on the right kinds of meds? We all live nearby and can watch for any red flags, and from personal experience from both myself and close friends, the right meds can make all the difference. --- NEEDS HER MEDS

DEAR NEEDS HER MEDS: I too have seen how the right combination of meds and therapy can make a positive difference; but I’ve also known those who had a terrifying experience with the wrong prescriptions.

That your mom has started therapy is a good thing, and perhaps in time she’ll consider venturing into supplementing her talk therapy with medications. For now, while it’s a good thing you’re keeping an eye on her, I would give the therapy a chance to help her improve, and avoid pressuring her into doing something that she’s not currently ready to do.