Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Our daughter and new son-in-law each had a condo before they ever met and got married. It seems strange to my wife and me that they have told us even though they are married, they intend to continue keeping both places, with no intention of renting or selling at least one. They said they like the idea of each having a place they can go to be on their own a few nights a week.

My wife and I have been married 32 years, and have always shared our homes together. We started out in a tiny apartment, and worked our way up to the house where we raised our kids. It never occurred to either of us to have separate homes to escape to — although during the raising of our kids, it would have been nice to have somewhere to hide once in a while!

Does this mean, as my wife suggests, the two of them have not fully committed to their marriage, or can you think of less gloom and doom reasons for a young couple to have separate homes after getting married? --- ONE HOME WORKS FOR US

DEAR ONE HOME WORKS FOR US: It could have absolutely nothing to do with a reluctance for the couple to commit to their marriage.

In fact, there’s a term for your daughter’s and son-in-law’s living arrangement. It’s called “living alone together,” and it appears to not be as uncommon as you might think. From what I understand, some couples see it as a way to strengthen their relationship.

The newlyweds in your family have chosen this option for their own reasons. Perhaps you can eventually ask them directly why they have decided on this separate homes lifestyle. For now though, I think you and your wife should not jump to any dour conclusions.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Four years ago my cousin and I pooled our savings and bought a duplex in an area undergoing big changes. The city was putting in a downtown marketplace/entertainment/restaurant center less than a quarter mile from the building we bought.

Even though COVID slowed things down, the new town center is just about completed, and we are ready to start looking at selling the units we had to rent out for the past few years.

The rental income has given us enough money to start fixing these two apartments up and hopefully turn a good profit so we can buy and flip more buildings.

But my cousin wants to sink bigger money into what I call “HGTVing” the places, rather than making sure we do all the necessary repairs and a few makes-sense touches, like new kitchen appliances, interior painting, and pulling up the carpets to expose the nice hardwood floors underneath it all.

I say taking care of those things is all we need to do. She thinks we need to really upgrade everything, including taking out the smallest bedroom to make a huge master bath in both units. She also thinks we should replace the siding (which I think looks fine), and redo the shared driveway and replace the garage doors.

I know some of these things may increase the value of the two units, but what she’s talking about will also take away a lot, and I mean a lot, of our profit.

Does her plan to sink a lot of money into these places make sense when we can raise the value significantly with less over-the-top upgrades? --- WOULD LIKE THE PROFIT

DEAR WOULD LIKE THE PROFIT: It’s possible homes in the area have already appreciated nicely due to the city’s investment in the new town center. You might find proximity to that, along with a few unspectacular upgrades will satisfy your profit goals without the added expense and time commitment involved in your cousin’s more ambitious plans.

However, since you’re already moving toward flipping these properties in what I’m guessing is the not too distant future, I’m thinking now would be the time to consult with at least one qualified realtor to get a feel for what people are looking for in homes in the area of your duplex.

Checking on-line listings and attending open houses are also helpful tools to provide you with an idea of what’s selling successfully, and what’s not; but a pro’s likely to have insights beyond what you’re able to independently tap into at this point in your first real estate venture.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband and I recently retired. We sold our house and downsized to a smaller one in a mid-sized town. We moved in about a month ago and are looking forward to long walks, pursuing our hobbies, and maybe making friends with some other retirees.

It looks like most of our neighbors are younger people with families. We’ve exchanged some pleasantries with several neighbors during the last couple of weeks.

The problem is, it looks like we’ve been identified as potential childcare providers. We are certain we never even hinted that we would want to do this because we do NOT.

Yesterday morning, there was a knock at my door and a mom and her child were standing there. I was in my robe and my husband was still asleep. This lady, whom we’ve spoken to exactly once outside, sounded frantic with some story about her childcare provider was sick and she had to get to work.

I told her I understood her difficulty, but we are not available to babysit.....ever. She was livid. She blasted us on the neighborhood watch social media and several others agreed with her! There were comments about us being selfish and child haters. One used that “it takes a village” trope. They said that we were all about ourselves. Well, we are! We raised our families and now we intend to care for ourselves.

We are sorry we moved here. Now, we feel uncomfortable and wonder when our house will be egged or our car keyed. We chose not to respond on the website.

Why do people feel so entitled these days?

We actually know another couple, in another state, that this has happened to. --- NOT YOUR BABYSITTER

DEAR NOT YOUR BABYSITTER: Traditionally, presumption has never been considered socially acceptable, but it most certainly is on the rise, and not just with the younger generations. Like you, it bothers me. I interpret it as a failure to accept personal responsibility by the people who take it for granted someone will automatically do what they want done, when they want it done, and entirely on their terms.

That your neighbor would feel comfortable leaving her child with a stranger also strikes me as odd, but her level of desperation must have been very high.

I’m glad you chose not to respond to the uncalled-for social media vilifying. If she didn’t, it seems your displeased neighbor could have better used that resource to find a lead on appropriate emergency childcare, rather than to shred someone she barely knows.

I truly hope the situation quickly dies down, and you and your husband will be able to enjoy your new community.