Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though she was putting a brave face on, I could hear the fear in my granddaughter’s voice when she called to tell me she had just been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. Fortunately it was caught early enough to save her life, but it still means a double mastectomy and further treatments to make sure they get everything and to try and keep it from returning.

When I heard all this I was shocked. I am so grateful my granddaughter did not go with what her primary care doctor said about the tiny lump she felt and just waited to see what it would do. She is only 28 and her doctor told her she doubted it was anything to worry about. Still, my granddaughter insisted on getting a mammogram, which led to a biopsy, and then right away to a specialist.

I am angry this happened to our beautiful granddaughter, and I am furious at her primary care doctor who tried to tell her this was nothing to worry about when she examined our granddaughter in the first place. If our granddaughter had listened only to the doctor and not her gut, we might very well have lost her.

How can a medical professional be so blind as to jeopardize the life of a patient like this just because she decided our granddaughter was too young to have breast cancer? --- AT A LOSS TO UNDERSTAND

DEAR AT A LOSS TO UNDERSTAND: I agree it’s a good thing your granddaughter advocated for herself and was able to get the imaging and treatment she needed in time to prevent the cancer from advancing. She’s set a strong example by trusting her own instincts and working with her doctors to find first a diagnosis and then a course of treatment.

I can’t answer for your granddaughter’s primary care provider, but she was potentially following established guidelines, which include not routinely ordering mammograms for women under 40.

However, given the growing number of cases being diagnosed in younger women, including among those without generally recognized risk factors, it’s possible breast cancer screening guidelines will continue to evolve, as is evidenced by the recent drop in age from 50 to 40 for annual screenings.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am engaged to a brilliant and sweet woman.

I knew her first as a friend, when we were both in other relationships that eventually fell apart.

When she and her ex broke up, she put all the blame on herself, even though he was the one who wanted to see other people. She refused to believe it wasn’t because she screwed up somehow.

I know she is scared she is going to do something to mess up our relationship. I told her that I wouldn’t have proposed to her if I didn’t think we had a great thing going.

I also see how she is letting her mother and my mother push her around with the wedding planning. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and thinks since they both planned their own weddings, and my mother planned my sister’s, they know what’s best and she would only mess everything up.

I want my fiancée to have the wedding she wants, and I want her to believe she has a lot to give both me and the world.

How do I boost her self-confidence? --- NO BELIEF IN HERSELF

DEAR NO BELIEF IN HERSELF: One thing that may help begin building your fiancée’s self-confidence is if you consistently and clearly let her know when you feel her ideas or suggestions are right on target.

A polite, but firm, word with the two mothers to remind them that this is not their wedding might also be in order.

By publicly letting all three ladies know you support your fiancée’s choices, you assert both your confidence in her and your resolution to have the wedding she and you want.

Given your fiancée’s reluctance to believe in herself, now’s the time, before you’re settling into married life, to help build her up — and let the mothers know you’re not looking for them to run your lives.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: We lost our good old dog around this time last year.

The rest of the family wanted to get a new puppy right away, but I was not up to it, especially since I knew I would be the one doing most of the care for it.

My son turned 12 last month, and the thing he wanted most in the world was a new puppy. My husband and I talked it over a lot and we concluded at 12 a child is more than able to share in pet care. We thought it would be a good education for him. He is already a great kid, but he could be more responsible.

So we adopted a 9-month-old puppy from the shelter. She had been part of a litter bred by an amateur breeder who didn’t find a buyer for her and one of her siblings and was not interested in keeping either of them.

This is one very sweet puppy, but she has become totally attached to me and obviously prefers me over my son.

He is doing his best to not let me know he is kind of hurt by this, and he does an awesome job helping take care of his puppy. My husband and I are so proud of him for that.

But we are worried he will get discouraged by the lack of obvious devotion from his puppy.

I know dogs usually imprint on or favor some people more than others. Our son’s puppy is good with everyone, but how do we keep our son interested and engaged in caring for the puppy who runs to me whenever I’m around, even if she’s sitting with our son on the couch or his bed? --- PUPPY LOVE

DEAR PUPPY LOVE: I’ve seen what you’re experiencing with many dog’s I’ve known through the years. They pick their favorites, and that doesn’t seem to change.

I’d continue encouraging your son to keep up the good work, and perhaps explain to him that it’s in the nature of dogs and other animals to feel a special connection to one person in the family, and that it doesn’t at all mean his puppy loves or trusts him any less.

Dogs know when they’re loved and respond to that. The pup may always slightly favor you, but the more your son continues to do for and with his furry friend should reinforce how he too holds a special place in her world, just as she does in his.