Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I know I’m supposed to practice gratitude as a bunch of people I know keep telling me, and telling me, and telling me. What they don’t tell me is how am I supposed to do that when I feel like I have been kicked so hard I can see little to be thankful for.

I lost my dog, my apartment, and my boyfriend all in the last two months of last year. I had to get through the “jolly” holidays feeling like I landed in the worst time of my life.

I keep hearing about how grateful I should be I have my health and a good job and a place to stay while I look for a new apartment.

I know these things are good, and that there are tons of people with far worse problems than I have. I get all that. Does that mean I am not entitled to sometimes feel that my life sucks, and this is one of those sucky times for me?

Feeling this way is bad enough, and all those people trying to put a positive spin on my life right now are not helping. --- IN A ROUGH TIME

DEAR IN A ROUGH TIME: When you’re the one sitting under a dark cloud it’s difficult not to feel oppressed, because you are, and it’s okay to feel as you do.

You took several hits in a short amount of time, and that would knock anyone for a loop, no matter how upbeat and grateful they usually work at being.

You need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your boyfriend and your dog.

For now what might help is to focus your energies on things you can do something about, like finding a replacement for your apartment.

Hopefully it’ll be easier for you to see some light ahead of you sooner rather than later. Once you’re able to put a little distance between you and your still fresh losses you may find yourself more able to dig up some optimism of your own.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mom and “Davy” have had this on-again-off-again thing going for almost as long as I can remember. Since she and my dad divorced, Davy’s been about the only guy she’s seen more than a few times. He even reminds me a little of my dad, except he isn’t a drinker, just a cheater.

When he cheats on my mother he comes back to her telling her he figures since she won’t marry him, they don’t exactly have an exclusive thing going, and everyone tells my mom she’d be nuts to marry a guy who can’t keep faithful to her. Davy calls it a Catch-22 and he accuses my mom of keeping him in it and stringing HIM along.

Personally, I can’t stand the guy, but for whatever reason my mom seems to love him, at least enough to put up with his cheating. She says he comes back to her when he’s done with the other women, so he must deep down inside have real feelings for her.

I say he’s using her between his other women. I think I’m right and she should dump him, but how do I convince my mom that I am? --- DUMP DAVY

DEAR DUMP DAVY: You mentioned Davy reminds you of your father, which makes me inclined to believe your mother has her type, for better or worse.

If you and the others in your mother’s life have yet to succeed in convincing her Davy’s not the man for her after years of trying, I’m not sure if you’ll ever be able to.

Hopefully she’ll get tired of being Davy’s fallback gal and move on ‒ ideally to a different, better class of man.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend convinced me to sell my old car and buy one I could pay off through carsharing.

At first it was working okay especially since I was working from home three days a week. Now I have to be in the office Monday-Friday and I could really use the car. Without it I have to take the bus, which isn’t that far from our house and my office but it kind of sucks to have to be at the bus stops in cruddy weather.

I keep telling my boyfriend not to book rentals on the car every day during the week, but he said he doesn’t want to lose the income we’re using to pay the car off, and by having it out on rentals during the week we can afford to have it all weekend for our own use.

I get what he’s saying, but I no longer feel like this is necessarily the best way to pay for the car I bought and only have limited use of.

Do you think I’m asking too much? --- WANT MY CAR BACK

DEAR WANT MY CAR BACK: No, I don’t think you’re asking too much.

You mentioned that you bought the car, and if the car is in your name, it seems to me you should be the one determining how it’s used.

The current arrangements are clearly not working for you, and I think your boyfriend needs to not only understand that, but to also respect your preferences regarding your property.