Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My parents have never smoked, and all but two of my friends also don’t smoke. So when my in-laws, both smokers, come to visit, all I can smell is cigarette smoke on their clothes, which ends up in our guest sheets and even on our sofa.

If our kids spend the weekend with them, I smell the smoke on their clothes and have to wash everything they packed, even if they didn’t wear it.

I will say my in-laws never smoke around the kids or my husband or me. They step outside to smoke when they are around us, but as soon as they come back inside, I can smell the smoke. Maybe I just happen to be very sensitive to it because it’s never been much in my life except through my in-laws.

My in-laws are great parents and grandparents. They would be even greater if they didn’t smoke.

Am I being petty complaining about this one thing about them that drives me nuts? --- CAN’T STAND THE SMOKE SMELL

DEAR CAN’T STAND THE SMOKE SMELL: I don’t believe expressing a dislike for the smell of cigarette smoke makes you petty. You’re entitled to your feelings on the subject, and it doesn’t sound as if you’re making any demands on your in-laws regarding their smoking.

Perhaps when your children go to visit their grandparents, they could have their clothing packed in resealable plastic bags so that items they don’t wear are less likely to pick up the smoke odor.

It’s a small step that’ll perhaps make your life a little easier after visits to your in-laws.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am 62, active, and in great health. Early last year I slipped on some black ice and ended up falling and getting hurt. The weird thing about it is it was a day above freezing with clear sidewalks everywhere except where I missed the patch of ice that had formed on a shaded part of the asphalt.

I was badly banged up and it took time and good physical therapy to get fully back to normal.

Ever since my accident my kids treat me like I’m made of glass and practically ready for assisted living. When I’m out with them they make me take an arm to make sure I don’t fall again.

For Christ’s sake, it was a freak accident that could have happened to anyone at any age. I hate that my kids think I’m on some kind of downhill slide and suddenly an old lady.

It gets me so angry. What do I have to do to prove to my kids I’m not ready for a nursing home just yet? --- NOT THERE YET

DEAR NOT THERE YET: The good news is your kids care about you. Sadly, that’s not always the case for some parents.

In this instance, your getting injured may’ve been the first time your children saw that their mom is not invulnerable.

I believe your best defense against their anxiety is to keep being active and make sure your kids know you’re doing everything you can to stay strong and healthy.

They’ll still worry, but look at it as positive payback for all the worry equity you invested in your children while they were growing up and getting their own starts in life.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I know I’m supposed to practice gratitude as a bunch of people I know keep telling me, and telling me, and telling me. What they don’t tell me is how am I supposed to do that when I feel like I have been kicked so hard I can see little to be thankful for.

I lost my dog, my apartment, and my boyfriend all in the last two months of last year. I had to get through the “jolly” holidays feeling like I landed in the worst time of my life.

I keep hearing about how grateful I should be I have my health and a good job and a place to stay while I look for a new apartment.

I know these things are good, and that there are tons of people with far worse problems than I have. I get all that. Does that mean I am not entitled to sometimes feel that my life sucks, and this is one of those sucky times for me?

Feeling this way is bad enough, and all those people trying to put a positive spin on my life right now are not helping. --- IN A ROUGH TIME

DEAR IN A ROUGH TIME: When you’re the one sitting under a dark cloud it’s difficult not to feel oppressed, because you are, and it’s okay to feel as you do.

You took several hits in a short amount of time, and that would knock anyone for a loop, no matter how upbeat and grateful they usually work at being.

You need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your boyfriend and your dog.

For now what might help is to focus your energies on things you can do something about, like finding a replacement for your apartment.

Hopefully it’ll be easier for you to see some light ahead of you sooner rather than later. Once you’re able to put a little distance between you and your still fresh losses you may find yourself more able to dig up some optimism of your own.