DEAR ABBY: This concerns "Name Withheld," who wrote: "I invited my sister-in-law over for dinner. She came and brought her dog. After dinner, she took a plate of leftovers, set it on the floor, and let her dog lick the plate clean. I was appalled!"

You, too, were obviously "appalled" because you suggested that "Name Withheld" should buy her sister-in-law a couple of doggie dishes.

Abby, a dog's saliva is antiseptic -- that's why dogs instinctively lick their wounds. I would much rather have my dog lick my spoon than take a taste off a spoon that has been in a human mouth.

Aren't dogs wonderful? -- JAN IN ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR JAN: Dogs are indeed wonderful, but Dr. Erwin David, my veterinary expert, says: "Dog saliva is by no means antiseptic. Several species of bacteria have been found in the saliva of clinically healthy dogs; so for hygienic reasons, I would advise Jan to keep her dog dishes and people dishes separate."

DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to "In a Quandary" -- the person who saw an older woman who resides in a retirement home shoplift a couple of inexpensive items (a lipstick and bottle of nail polish) in a shopping center store.

As a court reporter for more than 20 years, I have seen it demonstrated over and over that shoplifting is very often a sign of stress -- especially in older people. It covers all social strata: movie stars, executives -- people with plenty of money in their pockets at the time. A little investigation will usually uncover the recent death of a spouse, illness, depression or some other emotional distress.

The same is true of exhibitionists -- as in the case of Pee-wee Herman, for example. I couldn't believe that no one came forward with this bit of information. Check it out. We need to put our arms around these people and ask, "What's the problem?"

To haul them out publicly and label them "criminals" is ignorant and unsympathetic. -- KAY D., SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR KAY: Orchids to you for pointing out that good people will often behave uncharacteristically under pressure or stress.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, your "Chuckle for Today" read:

When George Jessel took Lena Horne to a famous restaurant, the doorman asked, "Who made your reservation?" Jessel replied, "Abraham Lincoln."

Abby, it was George Jessel, all right, but it wasn't Lena Horne. It was Sammy Davis Jr. And it was not a famous restaurant; it was a hotel.

Over the years, that incident has been attributed to Harry Belafonte, Milton Berle, Joey Adams, et al. -- WESTPORT PETE

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I lent my daughter and her husband $35,000 so they could purchase a home. I told them that they could pay me back when they were financially able. (No mention was made about "interest.")

After two years, there was nothing said about repaying the loan, so I asked them when they intended to pay me back. They just looked at each other, then changed the subject. By the way, their combined incomes come close to $100,000 annually.

Now they tell me that they considered the money a gift, and they will not be paying it back! Needless to say, we are not speaking. Is there anything I can do to get my money back? Can I take them to court? -- BESIDE MYSELF IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BESIDE: Can you take them to court? Of course you can, but in the absence of a written note stating that the $35,000 was a loan, you not only bought them a house -- you bought yourself a headache. Your first order of business: Call your lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 years old, and my best friend just died. Her name is Beeper. She is a bird -- a finch, to be exact.

Beeper died all of a sudden. She wasn't even sick. Yesterday, she was fine. It really hurts to lose a pet without any kind of warning. Some people might think losing a bird is nothing to feel miserable about, but Abby, Beeper meant the world to me, and I can't even weep for her because I'm afraid people will laugh.

I just had to write to you to express my feelings. I hope you won't think I'm silly. I am really sad. People say, "Get another bird -- it will help you get over losing Beeper." Abby, do you think I should get another bird? -- APRIL SOLOMON

DEAR APRIL: Yes, but don't try to replace Beeper with a finch that looks like Beeper. A pet -- like a human friend -- can never be replaced.

DEAR ABBY: You often hear from people who feel trapped into "competitive grandparenting," feeling they must match the in-laws gift for gift. The same sort of competition can develop between parents and stepparents. The kids encourage it because of all the goodies they get.

I recently heard my mother deal with the issue in a wonderful way. My sister's 5-year-old was visiting my mother and asked, "Are you going to take me to the toy store? Grandma Johnson always does."

I was horrified because my parents are nowhere near as well off as the "Johnsons." But Mother didn't get defensive. She just said, "Different grandmas are good at different things. Grandma Johnson is your shopping grandma; I am your cooking grandma." And they went into the kitchen and made brownies!

Isn't that beautiful? I don't have any grandkids yet, but I have already decided to be their "reading grandma." -- AUNTIE M IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR AUNTIE M: I admire your mother's sense of values. Every child should be so lucky as to have a "cooking grandma."

DEAR READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but to ensure that it will be a merry one for all -- if you're driving, don't drink; and if you're drinking, don't drive!

Want your phone to ring? Get Abby's booklet, "How to Be Popular" -- for people of all ages. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.

DEAR ABBY: I am a volunteer and board member at the Mercer County Humane Society animal shelter in West Virginia.

Approximately 10,000 animals pass through our shelter each year, many of which do not find homes. We feed and love them, but there aren't enough good homes for all of them.

I feel sure that puppies and kittens are on many children's wish lists for Christmas. Pets can be man's best friends and wonderful companions, but I wish that people would realize how much care a pet actually requires. All the cats and dogs that end up at our shelter were once someone's sweet little kitten or puppy.

Enclosed is a column you wrote 10 years ago, titled "Doggy in the Window." Please give it another go. -- SARAH R. GIBSON, PRINCETON, W.VA.

DEAR MS. GIBSON: At the risk of winding up in the doghouse (some readers do not like reruns), I'll chance it:

DEAR ABBY: My name is Joshua and I am 7 years old. I want a dog, but my mother says no. I really want one bad. Abby, I will take any kind. I promise to take care of it. How can I get my mother to let me have a dog? -- WANTING A DOG

DEAR JOSHUA: Please answer these questions:

1. Who will prepare the dog's meals?

2. Will someone be home during the day to look after the dog?

3. If the dog is a puppy, someone will have to exercise it at least twice a day. Who will do it?

4. Who will pay for the dog's license, collar, shots, regular examinations at the vet's, and any emergency treatment the dog may need?

5. Who will pay the cost of spaying or neutering your pet to prevent the birth of more unwanted puppies in a nation that already has too many? Every day, thousands are "put to sleep."

6. Are you willing to obey all the laws concerning dogs, such as keeping yours on a leash, and seeing that it doesn't do its "business" where it shouldn't?

7. Are you willing to care for the dog as long as it lives?

Important lessons are learned from having a pet, but it takes time, money and a willingness to accept responsibility to be a dog owner. Can you handle it?

DEAR ABBY: About a month ago, my husband and I decided to do our Christmas shopping early. We bought coats, ski pants, thermal socks and boots -- for homeless people.

I can't begin to describe the joy it gave us. Shopping had never been so much fun. Instead of worrying about sizes and colors, we simply bought warm, sturdy clothes. Since we bought everything at an outlet store, we managed to get about 100 items, including 17 winter coats -- for a little more than $1,000.

When we delivered the clothes to the local shelter, the manager was overjoyed. Winter weather had arrived the night before, and she had already given out all the winter coats. She had dreaded coming to the shelter that night, knowing she had no warm clothes to distribute.

Next year my husband and I will celebrate Christmas twice. The first time will be in July! Abby, won't you please let your readers know that "Christmas" can happpen any day of the year -- the joys of giving are rewarding beyond belief, and the need is always there. -- OVERJOYED IN EVANSTON, ILL.

DEAR OVERJOYED: Thanks for reiterating a homily that may sound corny -- but it is, indeed, more blessed to give than to receive.

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)