Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a survivor of the sinking of the USS Oklahoma at Pearl Harbor. Of the 429 crewmen who were killed, only 35 bodies were identified. The remaining bodies were interred in graves marked "Unknown." This is just one example of the tragedies of that day.

Is it any wonder we are upset that many people are unaware of what Pearl Harbor Day commemorates? One wife of a survivor was recently asked, "Is that where all the tea was dumped in the harbor?"

The following poem pays a beautiful tribute to those who died on that day in infamy. I hope you will consider printing it on Pearl Harbor Day. -- JEAN GOODYEAR, CASA GRANDE, ARIZ.

DEAR READERS: Some of you may not remember Pearl Harbor, a beautiful bay in Hawaii where a U.S. naval base was bombed on Dec. 7, 1941, but that day marked the beginning of the United States' involvement in World War II. The poem is a fitting tribute to those who died on that sad day.

DECEMBER 7TH

Pearl of beauty, pearl of life

Within your channel deep.

Rest the men and tools of war

For you and God to keep.

From northern skies

Fell death and strife

As history wrote by early light,

A tearful memory tale.

What valor is there to be found

In tragic human loss?

Man must begin to live as one

No matter what the cost.

For all who died that Sunday morn

We bow our heads and pray.

For them, please grant them peace.

For us ... a better way!

-- CORNELIUS DOUGLAS

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a little over a month ago. She and Dad lived in another state, and for the eight months from her diagnosis until she died, my father took care of her. I am taking her death very hard.

Dad now tells me has met a wonderful woman! I am beside myself and cannot accept it. I feel he is in a vulnerable state and it is too soon after my mother's passing.

This woman has no job and lives in a trailer. She has an invalid husband who lives in another state. I don't want my father taken for a ride.

My father has some stability -- a house, a car, some money in the bank, and friends and family he will probably lose. Please help with some advice. I know he reads your column. -- TOO SOON

DEAR TOO SOON: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved mother. I advise you to remain calm. You may be jumping the gun on your father because of your own grief. Although he said he has "met a wonderful woman," he did not say that he has designs on someone who has an invalid spouse living in another state. Your father may be vulnerable and lonely, but based on what you have written, there's no reason to assume that he's seriously interested in a romantic involvement.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a geriatric psychiatrist, a physician who specializes in mental problems of the elderly as they relate to legal matters. A letter in your column from a woman concerned about her 84-year-old mother-in-law's relationship with a 58-year-old man caught my eye. In addition to your own excellent comments, two more points need to be made:

The main concerns that arise with aging parents are: 1. Does the parent have the capacity to understand and appreciate the consequences of the situation? 2. Is the parent being unduly influenced by another person?

Memory is only one part of the ability to handle personal and financial affairs. Other, equally important mental functions include the abilities to understand complex situations, to reason, plan and carry out behaviors, and to anticipate likely consequences. Problems in any of these or related areas make a person easy prey for con artists and gold-diggers.

Many people have sound minds, but are inappropriately influenced to do things that are not in their best interests. Someone who is lonely or going through a major change in his or her life is especially vulnerable. The unscrupulous thief initially promises friendship and support, then later convinces his victim to turn over money or property.

Many physicians do not know how to adequately assess the relevant mental functions. Of those who do, few have the skills or experience to apply their findings when legal proceedings are necessary. The consequences of inadequate assessment can be tragic.

For guidance and advice regarding problems of this nature, your readers should consider calling the adult protective services in their state for referral to a geriatrician or geriatric psychiatrist. Where legal issues are concerned, such as the capacity to change wills, make medical, financial or business decisions, the person's attorney should request the services of a forensic psychiatrist -- a physician who specializes in assessing behavior for legal purposes. -- BENNETT BLUM, M.D., PARK DIETZ & ASSOCIATES, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR DR. BLUM: Thank you for an important contribution to this column. The American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law (AAPL) also has a special Committee on Geriatric Psychiatry and the Law that can refer readers to a psychiatrist in their area who has expertise in both geriatric and legal matters. The toll-free number is 1-800-331-1389.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single man who has been friendly with another single (elderly) man for about 15 years. He has never been married and has no children of his own, but he has some nephews back east. Our acquaintance over the years has consisted mainly of having him over for dinner parties with some other friends.

This elderly friend has been hospitalized lately and is now recovering in a convalescent facility. His doctor has advised him to give up his apartment. Of course, I have visited my friend at the hospital and the home faithfully.

Abby, do you think it would be OK -- in other words, in good taste -- if I were to mention (with a smile on my face), "Don't forget to mention me in your will"? This man is a millionaire.

Please rush me your answer, as he could kick the bucket any day. -- CURIOUS IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR CURIOUS: To mention anything concerning this elderly gentleman's will would be in the worst possible taste. Besides, it's a safe bet that his will was written weeks, months or even years ago. Shame on you (I'm saying this with a smile on my face).

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: For some time now, an adult neighbor I'll call "Greta" has been meeting her lovers on our street. She lives a couple of blocks over, but she apparently doesn't want her teen-agers to see her meeting these men. She and her dates arrive separately, then join each other in one car and don't drive away until some deep kissing and partial disrobing have gone on. I thought Greta was a prostitute until I found out where she lives.

It is embarrassing to walk out in our front yard and come upon this scene. I have been tempted to call the police several times, but my wife keeps telling me to mind my own business. She says you never can tell what Greta's story might be, so I haven't called.

Recently I heard that she had divorced her husband, and the episodes seemed to stop. It hasn't been long, though, and the car-hopping has started again. Greta may be protecting her own teen-agers by meeting her boyfriends on our street, but she sure gives the young children and teens on my block a great show. I am fed up, and even my wife now says to go ahead and do what I want.

I think Greta needs help. I'm hoping you'll print my letter so she will recognize herself and stop this before I call the police. -- CONCERNED IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.

DEAR CONCERNED: A more straightforward way to handle the problem would be to write your neighbor a letter warning her that if she continues necking with her boyfriends on your street, the residents will have no choice but to report her to the police.

She and her partners are at the very least guilty of poor judgment, and an arrest for lewd conduct would be embarrassing for all parties concerned.

Let's hope she wakes up before someone files a formal police report.

DEAR ABBY: You asked your readers to add to your collection of random acts of kindness. Perhaps you will be interested in mine:

I have multiple sclerosis and am unable to feed myself. I have an aide on weekdays, and on the weekends the wonderful women from my swim group come to assist me.

I have never talked about my illness or my limitations, although they are progressively more apparent in the swimming pool, shower room and dressing room. One day, a member of my swimming group approached me and asked if I could use any help. When I answered yes, she organized other willing helpers from the group who have consistently signed their names to a schedule and show up to help.

Such generosity is not what one would expect from the many reports of violence, rudeness and disrespect that fill the media. When I thank these generous people, they thank me for "allowing" them to help me. I consider myself fortunate to have experienced so much that is wonderful about the human race. -- SUSAN CLAUER, ANN ARBOR, MICH.

DEAR SUSAN: The most precious gift we can give to others is the gift of ourselves. Your swimming group should call themselves the "floating angels."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)