DEAR ABBY: I have something to say to the millions of families whose lives are affected by divorce.

An unforgiving and bitter person who has not let go of animosities can poison an entire family and ruin the holidays for everyone. I know. I was that person.

I couldn't forgive my husband and his new wife, and my children suffered for it. One day after a particularly harsh outburst, I understood the pained reaction on my children's faces. I prayed for the strength to change my ways so I could stop hurting those I love most in the world.

It has been a long struggle with occasional setbacks, but the rewards have carried me forward. I have not remarried and I am not completely healed, but I have peace in my heart and my children are happy. They are free to enjoy both homes and the holidays with each family. It is a priceless gift to give your children, and yourself. -- FREE IN VERMONT

DEAR FREE: I can't think of a more meaningful gift suggestion for this holiday season. Happy holidays to you and your now happier family.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Longtime Reader, Bloomington, Minn." who was upset that "Mrs. Jones" asked her nanny if she wanted another part-time job. Your reader had no right to get upset about the nanny being offered another job. As long as it doesn't affect her 35-hour work week, anything the nanny does during her free time is her business -- not her employer's.

Mrs. Jones should not need anyone's permission to talk to the nanny. So what if "Longtime Reader" paid $1,200 to get her nanny? I am a nanny and my family paid $2,350 to get me, and they do not tell me who I can and cannot sit for. Paying a fee does not guarantee ownership of the nanny. The nanny may seem like a member of their extended family, but she really isn't. She is an employee and is entitled to her own life and her own decisions about her time off. -- LYNETTE A. BUDD, ROWLEY, MASS.

DEAR LYNETTE: I agree that the days of indentured servitude are over. And if the nanny's arrangement with her employer is for 35 hours a week, what she does in her spare time is her own business.

However, as a courtesy, Mrs. Jones should have spoken to "Longtime Reader" before extending an offer to her domestic employee. It is a question of good manners.

DEAR ABBY: Add this to your stories about short men: My best friend had a rather rocky marriage with many arguments. After one such episode she came over for coffee and a shoulder to cry on. During our conversation she said, "Your husband is more of a man at 5 foot 6 than mine is at 6 foot 5."

She was right. They later divorced, and she raised their four children on her own. -- ANONYMOUS, PLEASE

YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." -- PHYLLIS DILLER

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year I missed your column on Christmas gifts for seniors. I remember in the past you printed some great suggestions, and since there are several seniors on my list this Christmas, how about helping us again? -- JESSICA IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.

DEAR JESSICA: Certainly! I combed my past columns and found a wealth of ideas that come from the heart, not the wallet. Remember, most seniors have more than their share of dusting powder and aftershave, and have run out of room for bud vases and bird feeders. Consider these more practical alternatives:

-- Postcards or lined stationery and envelopes with a generous supply of postage stamps.

-- A gift certificate for their favorite grocery store, deli or pharmacy.

-- An assortment of greeting cards for birthdays and anniversaries, as well as get-well and condolence cards.

-- A "paid in advance" certificate for 10 lawn mowings or snow shovelings by a neighborhood youngster.

-- A "certificate" for a service you can perform that is difficult for them -- a thorough house cleaning, a month's laundry, a handyman visit for home safety inspection and minor repairs.

-- An offer to rewrite their address book in larger, more legible print.

-- A month of Sunday drives to church, or to the country, the museum or the park.

-- If the person on your list is on a limited income, a check in any amount will be appreciated.

-- A subscription to their favorite magazine or the daily newspaper.

-- A basket of goodies assembled especially for them -- cans of ham, tuna, chicken, hearty soups, chili and stew; instant coffee and tea bags; crackers; instant soup mixes.

-- A selection of their treasured, tattered photos retouched and placed into a new album, with captions.

-- A drive to see the Christmas lights and decorations, as well as store windows.

If a senior says, "Please don't give me anything," that usually means, "I have more things than I need." However, a gift of your time may be appreciated and will be remembered long after the holiday has passed and the material gifts are stored away.

DEAR ABBY: The recent list you published of armed services addresses for your annual "Operation Dear Abby" brought back a flood of memories.

Five years ago, a parent volunteer in my second-grade class brought me a clipping from your column and suggested that this would be an excellent writing project for my students. We wrote to two of the addressed and received two responses. Both were from U.S. Marines in Japan. They became splendid pen pals, but one went above and beyond the call of duty.

This pen pal, Dennis DeNoi, always sent each child an individual response, even if it was just a few lines. (Remember, he was writing to a class of 30 children whose writing was not always legible!) Needless to say, this wonderful Marine caught the attention of the teacher, and we began an 18-month correspondence that eventually resulted in a very happy marriage.

My husband will retire soon from his beloved Marine Corps after 22 years of service to his country, to begin a new career in law enforcement. As the fifth anniversary of our first letter approaches, I want to say, "Thank you and God bless you!" You and this wonderful man have given me so much. I am forever grateful.

I encourage all of your readers to support Operation Dear Abby and our servicemen and women. You may use my name. -- CHERYL TUCKER DE NOI, LOS ANGELES

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to the woman who wrote about her panic disorder and inability to drive. However, I was even more troubled about her isolation and shame over having an illness -- panic disorder -- that is no more a sign of "weakness" than is diabetes, heart disease or any other ailment.

While I heartily echo your encouragement that she seek help from a mental health professional, and while her personal physician is an excellent place to start, please tell your readers about a wonderful service sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). It's a 24-hour toll-free line: 1-800-647-2642, which provides free literature about panic disorder.

Too many people who need treatment are unable to seek professional help due to financial limitations, geographical restrictions and fear of being thought "crazy." Straightforward information not only can prove useful, it also can give sufferers the reassurance they may need to seek help. Although panic attacks are agonizing to experience, they are usually treatable -- and often by understanding them, relief can be gained.

You do people a world of good with your sound, sympathetic and commonsense advice, Abby. As a mental health professional for the past 20 years, I'm a huge fan and never miss your column. -- SYMPATHETIC TO PANIC SUFFERERS

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: I am pleased to publicize the National Institute of Mental Health toll-free number, because an estimated 24 million Americans suffer from one or another of the anxiety disorders. As you pointed out, panic disorders are treatable with education and medication. Thank you for making the effort to inform my readers.

DEAR ABBY: When my mother died in 1995 at the age of 83, she left behind five cartons of loose photographs that she had intended to sort and label. "Sometime when I have time," she always said. I couldn't identify half the people in the pictures, but I knew who could.

After the funeral and lunch at the small country church, I spread the photographs on two tabletops and invited the gathered relatives to dig through them to select those photos they wanted for themselves or others they know who were in them.

For more than three hours, the survivors marveled, laughed and reminisced about days gone by. My uncles and aunts identified the individuals in the frames, sought out the person to tell them the occasion and setting when the picture was taken, and then handed them the pictures.

Everyone left with a handful of precious memories. -- BILL B. FROM MINNESOTA

DEAR BILL B.: What a terrific idea. And what a clever theme for a holiday party when relatives gather to celebrate.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for many years, but this is the first time to write.

When my mother was getting old and in poor health, I would see friends of hers and they would say, "I would call your mother, but I'm afraid she might be sleeping or resting." Abby, that is not the way she wanted it to be.

Now that I am getting old, my greatest joy is for someone to visit or call me. Wake me up! I have plenty of time to sleep. Please call me any time of day or night -- early or late. Just call me. It would make my day. -- WAITING FOR A CALL IN TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR WAITING: I can think of few things as depressing as isolation. Stop waiting for your phone to ring and make some calls to others. You don't say how old you are, or the condition of your health, but if you're able to leave your dwelling, a wonderful way to meet people and stay involved is to volunteer your time for a worthwhile cause. Please consider it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)