DEAR ABBY: You opened a can of worms by printing the letter from "Suspicious in Illinois" about her belief that "groups of men who fill stadiums" are told to "be in control of every major facet of life." She is obviously talking about the Promise Keepers organization that literally saved my marriage, but she needs to get her facts straight. The main objective of the Promise Keepers is to be men of integrity, men who can be trusted to do what they say -- starting at home with their families.

My husband reluctantly went to a Promise Keepers rally in Seattle a few years ago. When he came home he was a changed man. He said they spent an entire afternoon on "how to honor your wife," and he worked hard to live up to what he had learned -- like really listening to me, spending time alone with me (outside the bedroom), and insisting that the kids respect my decisions.

Our marriage immediately took a turn for the better. We still have our troubles, but because of Promise Keepers we're working them out. I'm glad my man is a Promise Keeper! -- JANE CULBERTSON, LAKE OSWEGO, ORE.

DEAR JANE: The vast majority of the mail I have received about the Promise Keepers has come from enthusiastic wives such as yourself. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband belongs to that group "Suspicious" says preach that men should control every major facet of life. She's wrong, Abby. They aren't male supremacists.

Frankly, any group that helps my husband grow spiritually and brings him closer to me I will support 100 percent. Marriage is very difficult in this age, and we need all the help we can get.

I handle the finances in my family because I'm better at it than my husband, and we're partners who use each other's abilities to build a successful marriage. -- HAPPY MY HUSBAND KEEPS HIS PROMISES, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR HAPPY: If you are handling the finances, you would hardly qualify as a subjugated woman. Thank you for the input. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from serving as a volunteer for one of those conferences that "fills stadiums full of men." I heard 100 percent of what was said during a two-day Promise Keepers conference of about 55,000 men, which my husband and several friends attended.

At no time were the men told they should be in control of every major facet of life. No male supremacy messages were given at all. They WERE instructed to give that control to their Maker and God.

All day long I assisted attendees as they purchased T-shirts, caps, books and tapes to take home to their families. The men treated me with the utmost respect and honor, thanking me for my willingness to volunteer my time.

They spoke of their wives with love and respect. Nothing was said or done that was in any way demeaning or condescending to women. The Bible was used as the source for all instruction. The Bible speaks of the leadership of men, but never in such a way as to put down women.

My husband and I have just celebrated 30 years of marriage. When he began to assume his God-given responsibilities, our marriage improved. We have worked together for 25 years, and the biblical principles that have governed our marriage have also governed our business.

Thank you for the chance to speak my mind. -- CHERYL CRAIN, LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR CHERYL AND THE MANY WOMEN WHO WROTE IN SUPPORT OF PROMISE KEEPERS: Thank you for your heartfelt input. I learn from my readers every day, as my readers say they learn from me, and I thank you for your candor.

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DEAR ABBY: Until two years ago, I thought I had a marriage as good as it gets after the honeymoon. We had some problems, but a marriage without some problems doesn't exist.

The real problems began when my wife's son (I'll call him Paul) came to dinner -- and stayed. He is 40. I am 75, and getting older by the minute.

This "boy" was coming off a failed relationship and needed a place to crash. His mother invited him to stay with us without consulting me. That was her first mistake. I didn't object. That was MY first mistake.

Abby, I am not heartless. I figured Paul would stay maybe a month or two. A year went by while he "looked for work." (He rarely left the house.)

Our home is small, with only one bathroom. The two bedrooms are only 10 feet apart. You can bet I was annoyed, but I thought the arrangement was temporary. I naively believed he would leave when he found a job.

Paul has had a job that pays well for more than a year now, but he can't seem to find a house or apartment he likes better than our home. My wife has said nothing to him to indicate she is unhappy with this state of affairs, but I told him he has to get on with his life, and let us get on with ours. He agrees, but doesn't move.

Short of forcibly ejecting Paul, I'm at a loss what to do except leave. I have roots here and a ton of emotional and material baggage, and hate the idea of pulling up stakes at this time in my life. But the possibility becomes more probable every day.

Needless to say, my wife and I are not on good terms now, and "Frankly, I don't give a damn, Scarlett."

Abby, what's a guy to do about a stepson who has long overstayed his welcome? -- AT MY WIT'S END IN DENVER

DEAR AT WIT'S END: Enough is enough. You and your wife are doing Paul no favor by allowing him to be dependent on you. Explain that to your wife, and ask her to help you find an adequate, furnished apartment her son can live in while he's looking for one he likes. Put a deposit on it, and tell Paul the time has come.

If he can't swing the first month's rent, offer to loan it to him, and give him a deadline to be in his new place. Help him to pack his belongings, and offer to assist on moving day.

DEAR ABBY: "Looking for Love in Dallas," whose wife refused his touches and kisses and also nixed sex, has my sympathy. His wife must not realize how lucky she is to be married to a man who still enjoys affection and sex. I hope she wakes up before he's gone.

After three years of dating, "Al" and I are still at square one. He refuses to hold hands, hug, kiss or show affection in any way. Sex is not a memory for us -- you can't remember what you haven't had.

When I touch Al, he freezes up. If I try to tell him how I feel, he leaves.

I would enjoy all of the above, but he won't ante up. I'm so needy, I could live for months on a single compliment.

Abby, please don't use my name. I'm embarrassed to be in my 60s and still ... LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS

DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS: Don't be embarrassed; people of all ages need love. However, you won't find it with Al. Throw this cold fish back in the sea, and go fishing in warmer waters.

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DEAR ABBY: All my life I have loved dancing, as do most of the other women I know. I think it is exciting, fun and great exercise. Couples dancing together are so romantic. When I see a man who can dance with a woman, I am instantly fascinated by him and so are all my friends.

Why, then, are men who dance so hard to come by? Men are "supposed" to be athletic, charming, romantic and masterful; dancing is all of that. Yet, most men I meet are "fish" who say, "I don't dance."

I thought men liked attracting women. I know some people say men are dense, but this fact simply cannot escape anyone's attention: A man can attract women by learning to dance.

Will you please put out the word for us and tell men how sexy they are when they learn to dance? -- WILTING WALLFLOWER IN ARIZONA

DEAR WILTING WALLFLOWER: I receive letters every day from men who complain about how difficult it is to meet and attract women.

Men, now you have heard it from the source! Get out of the house and onto the dance floor. (Take lessons if you need them.) Women will be unable to resist you. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to people visiting sick friends while they are recuperating at home?

I was raised in an area where people often visited sick friends. They brought food, ran errands, etc. I believe this is the right thing to do.

A dear friend of mine twisted her knee last week and absolutely refuses to allow anyone to visit her. Ordinarily she is so sweet and lovable that I consider her a sister, but now she is making me feel shut out and unwanted. She is treating her elderly mother the same way. She says she wants to recuperate alone with the help of her physical therapist. She claims she has all she can handle without visitors, and doesn't want to see anyone when she is feeling ill.

Why is she behaving this way? How do I get her to understand my feelings, and how can we compromise? Whenever I'm recuperating, I love having guests drop by to help distract me from my sickness. Why won't she let me treat her like I'd want her to treat me? -- WANTS TO HELP, BOYNTON BEACH, FLA.

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: True friends respect each other's wishes. Recuperating from an injury or illness is a personal process. Your friend has been completely honest about what she wants from you during this time. This is not about what you want, but what she needs. Please respect her request for privacy.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please settle a dispute? My daughter recently married her boyfriend with whom she had been living for three years. They had a private wedding out of town, and no one was invited, not even family. Given these circumstances I sent her a nice card, but not a gift.

My daughter has since asked me to lend her $400 to pay her state income taxes from last year. I agreed to loan her the money, but told her to pay me back only $200, and consider the remaining $200 a wedding gift. She seemed very happy with this arrangement.

My partner says this gift is tacky. I disagree. What do you think? -- T.C. IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR T.C.: Since both you and your daughter are satisfied with the arrangement, I see no problem.

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