Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: "Quaking in California," the 15-year-old girl who was bothered by her father's friend, must talk immediately to her school counselor or a caring, sympathetic teacher. And she must not be afraid to tell the truth if police interview her.

Four years ago, the sister of one of my students became unusually quiet and withdrawn, so I made a point of befriending her. She told me a shocking story about "the man who sleeps in my bed," her father's boyhood friend who came to the family's trailer in the evenings, slept in her bed and made sexual advances. Her parents did not interfere! She told me how scared she was, and that she couldn't sleep, think or do her school work.

I told her to tell her parents that I said they must "make him leave tonight, or by law they could be held responsible." That empowered the parents. He left that night. I also contacted her school principal, who summoned a deputy because we are legally required to report such incidents. I was away from school the day they questioned her. The poor girl was so intimidated she denied everything. She was sure the man would kill her if she reported him.

Later, the deputy called me to say that apparently the girl had lied to me. I was shocked. I was often in her home because of their distress and poverty. I knew her well enough to know she was telling me the truth. The family believes the man murdered his pregnant wife in his hometown in another country and fled here illegally. They also believed that he delivered narcotics across the state, hidden among the heavy equipment he transported. The parents were terrified of him.

Abby, I wrote a letter and sent it to the Sheriff's Department, the INS, the DEA, our SANE (Substance Abuse Narcotics Education) officer, the student's principal, and a newspaper reporter who had befriended the family. The "man who sleeps in my bed" disappeared in days and hasn't been seen since. We could get rid of those who would harm our children, if we persist. -- A CALIFORNIA TEACHER

DEAR TEACHER: You handled the problem very well. I hope others will learn from your example. Please read on for more input from a caring professional:

DEAR ABBY: I am a clinical social worker in Los Angeles who is very disturbed about the letter in your column from the 15-year-old girl who is being stalked and harassed by her father's 34-year-old male friend.

You were absolutely correct when you told her to save and photocopy the notes and show them to a responsible adult, such as a school counselor or clergyperson. I would strongly urge this young woman to go even further than this. The behavior of these irresponsible parents is unconscionable. They cannot be relied upon to take action when the school authorities contact them about this.

She can, and should, report this man's behavior both to the police and to her local Department of Children's Services. Her school counselor can help her contact them. These two entities have the power to protect her from further harassment and stalking (and he is indeed stalking her), to provide education and counseling to the family, to educate her mother and father about responsible parenting, and to monitor them to ensure that they provide it. She should also ask her school counselor to provide her with ongoing counseling for herself.

Urge her to do this without delay, before the man becomes more bold in his actions. -- CONCERNED ADULT IN L.A.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a scared 15-year-old girl who was being pestered by a family friend, and whose parents did not take her fear seriously.

To "Quaking in California," I would like to say: "If Sam has taken photos of you at the mall and is leaving suggestive notes on your door, he is already stalking you! Do something about it now. Go to the police and let them know your fears."

I am a convicted sex offender, and I see it as only a matter of time before this man comes after this young lady and rapes her. The police should be notified immediately. She is in my prayers. -- 'TREATED' IN MONROE, WASH.

DEAR TREATED: The girl's letter brought a flood of mail from readers who identified with it and offered advice. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice fell a little short. She is worried that "Sam" might start stalking her. I've got news for you: He already is! California stalking laws are very specific, and Sam's activities would definitely qualify as such. Sam is 34 and trying to start a relationship with a 15-year-old. Last time I checked, that was illegal -- consensual or not. Being drunk is no excuse. She would be best advised to talk to the police and seek a restraining order. When looking for friends, maybe her parents should look somewhere other than the local bar. -- BRYAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I'm 32, but when I was 15, a friend of my brother's (who is 10 years older than me) started making passes at me. This went on for about two months. It ended with my being raped. The emotional scars I have dealt with; the physical scars I cover up.

Abby, "Quaking in California" has reason to be afraid. "Sam" is stalking her, and if her parents won't listen, she should take copies of the notes from her father's friend to the police. -- K.H. IN FRESNO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I knew I had to write when I read the letter from "Quaking." That was me 20 years ago. I spent several years of my life afraid to attend any family gatherings. If I went, I would be afraid even to go to the bathroom for fear "Uncle Pete" would follow me. My parents thought I was an overimaginative child, too young to know what was going on.

Well, one night Uncle Pete passed out on our couch, and I woke up to find him all over me! He ripped off my clothes and I thought he was going to rape me. I managed to push him off me and scream. Uncle Pete ran out of the house and I never saw him again. My dad made sure of it!

Abby, too many parents think their children are too young to know what sexual harassment is, but they're not. Children know the feelings of shame and fear when someone makes sexual moves on them, even if they don't know what to call those feelings. But there is a name for it: sexual abuse of children.

Her instincts should be applauded, but she needs help fast. Most rapes are committed by a family friend or member, not by an unknown. Parents must teach their children not to succumb to the child predator.

"Quaking," go to your counselor or teachers, or the police. If you can't do that, find an adult you can trust -- maybe the mother of a friend. If you came to me, I would help, and there are many other good people who would, too. Good luck, and may the Lord keep you safe. -- SURVIVOR IN SIMPSONVILLE, S.C.

DEAR READERS: I regret that space limitations prevent me from printing all of the excellent letters I have received offering support and direction for "Quaking in California." However, tomorrow I will print two more -- from professionals who work with children. Stay tuned.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance hates my cooking. Every time I make a meal and ask him what he thinks, he has a different complaint. If I correct what he complained about, he finds a new complaint.

I made a meatloaf. He said the onions overpowered it. I made a romantic, candlelit dinner of chicken and roasted potatoes with a cream sauce. He called it weird. When I prepare a time-consuming dinner, he smothers it with ketchup or salad dressing. It's always "too much salt," "too bland," "needs something," or "not like my mother made," etc.

Abby, I have told him this is hurtful, but he still complains. He has even called my cooking "gross."

I'm sure it isn't that I can't cook -- other people love what I prepare, and my mother says I'm a natural. I have been cooking since I was 11 years old.

My fiance also cooks occasionally, and when he does, I always compliment him on whatever he makes. Is it too much to expect him to express appreciation for my efforts? -- CRUSHED IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR CRUSHED: Since you can't please your fiance and he knows how to cook, turn the chore over to him. When you feel the urge to cook, do it for your friends who appreciate your culinary skills.

Your fiance may get his fill of cooking if he has to do all of it, and then he may be glad to let you take over. However, refuse unless he promises not to criticize, to give you a compliment now and then, and share his recipes and culinary secrets.

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a letter about people carelessly opening car doors in parking lots, marring adjacent cars. Paint nicks and surface dents barely scratch the surface of this issue. But car doors opened into traffic cause much worse damage -- to bicyclists.

Most states require cyclists to ride on the right, beside parked cars. No cyclist is psychic enough to anticipate when a car door is about to open in front of him, and many serious injuries have resulted from such an action.

A growing number of people commute by bicycles, and most cyclists will tell you that their most constant fear is getting "doored." It's happened to me, and although it was painful, I was fortunate that my bicycle was damaged more than my body.

Vehicle occupants have the benefit of rearview mirrors. This is why most states require drivers to check those mirrors and only then carefully open the doors without impeding traffic -- including bicycles.

If you drive, please remember that cyclists aren't just "careless kids." Many of us are responsible adults who've speeded up your commute by keeping our cars off the road. In return, please realize that we are vulnerable, and check your mirror carefully before reaching for your door handle. -- MICHAEL KATZ, STEERING COMMITTEE, BICYCLE-FRIENDLY BERKELEY COALITION

DEAR MICHAEL: You've given voice to a small but important group who care about the environment as well as their own safety. More pedal power to you!

DEAR ABBY: My problem is I curse way too much. I truly would like to stop, because I hate cursing.

I am 36 years old and have three young children, all under 10 years old. I lose my patience with my kids, and that's when I use the worst of words.

I'm a good parent otherwise, and I love my children very much. But I need to quit cursing. Please help! -- CURSING MOM

DEAR CURSING MOM: When you feel like cursing, substitute an acceptable word or phrase for the curse words. I had a neighbor who, when angered, would shout, "Holy Moses!" and, "Gosh darn son-of-a-sea-cook!"

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)