Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother and I watch my two grandchildren every day while their mothers work. The boy is 5, the girl is 4.

My two daughters do a lot of children's activities in the evenings and on the weekends. The cousins are close. They don't fight, and they really love each other.

The girl's mother includes the boy in every special thing they do -- pizza, fishing, swimming, etc.

The boy says when he and his mother do things, he wants to be alone and he does not want his cousin included. His mother coddles him and tells him it's OK to want to be alone. She tells him to not mention when he's going to the beach, etc., so they will not have to take the little girl along.

I think she is demonstrating to her son how to be secretive and manipulative. I also think it's cruel. Of course, my daughter does not agree. I see disaster ahead. Please advise. -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER IN PORTLAND

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: This situation is not a question of all or nothing. Since you watch the children during the day, their time with their mothers is limited, and therefore I see no reason why they shouldn't each spend one-on-one time with their mothers for special outings. There should be no need for secrecy about it.

DEAR ABBY: As one of nearly 8,000 optometrists who volunteer our services through VISION USA, I have seen what an amazing difference eye care can make.

Last year, one of my VISION USA patients arrived with her glasses taped together so the lenses wouldn't fall out. The prescription was no longer appropriate for her, but she told me, "They are better than nothing." When I prescribed two pairs of glasses for her at no charge -- one for distance and the other for computer work, which she needed for her job -- she cried with joy.

In the last seven years, VISION USA has helped approximately 220,000 children and adults from low-income working families. Many had eye health problems that interfered with their ability to work or go to school.

Abby, the 1998 VISION USA program is getting under way again, and I hope you will alert your readers to the opportunity for low-income working families to obtain free eye care.-- ANDREA P. THAU, O.D., NEW YORK CITY

DEAR DR. THAU: I'm pleased to alert my readers once again to this worthwhile effort by the American Optometric Association.

To qualify for free eye care in the VISION USA program, individuals must have a job or live in a household where there is one working member; have no health insurance that covers eye examinations; have an income below an established level based on household size; and have had no eye examination within the last two years. (Eligibility requirements may vary in some states.)

From Jan. 2 to Jan. 30, 1998, low-income working people and their families can be screened for eligibility for VISION USA by calling 1-800-766-4466. Phone lines will be open weekdays from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Central Standard Time). Because phone lines are sometimes very busy, it may be easier to apply by mail. Application forms are available from: VISION USA , 243 N. Lindbergh Blvd., St.Louis, Mo. 63141. Completed forms must be postmarked by Jan. 23.

The comprehensive eye exams will be given in optometrists' private offices in March, coinciding with the celebrating of Save Your Vision Week, March 1 to March 7.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter you printed from Calvin S. Holm, Thiensville, Wis., referring to people who succeed in spite of the fact their parents could not afford to help them with finances for schooling or much of anything else. I, too, was a Great Depression child. I have a true story that I hope you will print in order to pass along the message that help is out there if you pray and hope:

MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS

It was December 1932. In those days, $1 was a lot of money, and $5 was a fortune. We lived on a farm in the Colorado Rockies, 5 1/2 miles north of a small village called Divide.

The town consisted of a combination post office, general store, filling station, and an upstairs residence for the owner's family. There was one other filling station, perhaps five or six houses, a schoolhouse, and a community hall where neighborhood meetings, country dances, etc. were held.

The schoolhouse was a two-room building with two teachers. One room was for grades one through five; the other was for grades six through 10. There was a barn where we could tie up our horses, with a feed box in each stall for a lunchtime oats snack for the horse. There was also a watering trough nearby.

I rode horseback to school every day, with my kid brother on the back of the saddle. It was cold at times.

Christmas was coming and things looked very bleak. I knew there was a benevolent organization in Colorado Springs called the "Mrs. Santa Claus Club" that gave warm clothes to poor people. So I stole a penny postcard from my mother's stationery (yes, a prepaid postcard cost 1 cent at the time). I addressed it to the Mrs. Santa Claus Club and told them about our cold horseback rides to school. I asked if they had any warm clothes, shirts, pants or jackets for my 6-year-old brother or me. I told them I was 9, and said if they happened to have some toys for my 1-year-old baby brother, they would be very much appreciated.

The day before Christmas, we got a notice from the post office that there was a large box addressed to me. Dad picked it up. It was from the Mrs. Santa Claus Club. When we opened it, I could not believe what was inside: warm jackets, pants, shirts, underwear -- all the right size for me and/or my kid brother. There were also small blankets for my baby brother, and to top it off, toys for each of us.

My parents were elated, and my mother forgave me for stealing the postcard. She said, "I think God knew what he was doing."

In addition, the two teachers at school had procured, at their own expense, a present for each kid in the school: a pair of lace-up boots for each boy, and a pair of fur-lined overshoes for each girl.

So, Abby, that's the story of the best Christmas I can remember -- thanks to a very benevolent group of people and two generous schoolteachers. -- RETIRED ENGINEER, KIRKLAND, WASH.

DEAR RETIRED ENGINEER: I couldn't get your letter in before Christmas, but thought my readers would enjoy it even a few days later. Thank you for sharing your touching story, and for the reminder that most of us can make the holidays a little brighter if we choose to. Since sometimes their parents are unable to do so, many children depend on it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Minneapolis Reader," whose divorced brother did not want her to have contact with his ex-wife and therefore his children, touched me. I have been in that very same situation.

My husband's brother, "Albert," insisted that we not allow our children to spend time with his children when they were with their mother. Since they lived with their mother, there was little chance for contact. Like a fool, with much hesitation, I complied with my husband's demand that we yield to Albert's request.

I kept my daughters from their cousins' house on their first invitation to sleep over. That was the last time they were invited, and I have regretted it ever since. How cruel to punish my girls for a selfish, self-centered brother-in-law. The girls and their cousins loved each other. They had a right, as relatives, to continue the bond that was established when the adults were married.

Tell "Minneapolis Reader" to do the right thing even if no one agrees. Her brother should grow up, live with the choices he has made in his life, and not make his children suffer because of them. -- GROWN-UP IN LOUISIANA

DEAR GROWN-UP: I have said this many times, but it bears repeating: Children need family ties and stability in their lives. This is particularly true when divorce separates their parents. Read on for an example that demonstrates my point:

DEAR ABBY: More than 25 years ago, my parents divorced. It was the greatest tragedy my family has ever experienced. Because they have never been able to put their bitterness aside, we relive the pain on every holiday, birthday and special occasion. One of them has been absent from all of our graduations, weddings, children's births, etc., because the ex-spouse may be present. I cannot begin to describe the disappointment of my college graduation and my wedding due to the absence of one of my parents.

Their anger and bitterness has affected all of us children in many ways. We struggle with depression, poor relationship choices and low self-esteem -- all remnants of a childhood made difficult by divorce.

Divorcing couples and their families must understand that while the divorce is an end to the marriage, it can be a life sentence for the children. Children should never be expected to play favorites or choose sides, nor should the other family members of the divorcing couple.

To the brother of "Minneapolis Reader": Do your children and your family a favor -- KEEP THE PEACE. No matter how acrimonious the split, clinging to the bitterness and robbing your children of part of their family is not the answer.

I'm signing my name, but because I speak for many "divorced children," please sign me ... DIVORCE SURVIVOR

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)