DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks he's better than I am because he earns money and I don't. I stay home with our three children.

During a recent argument, he spilled juice on our new carpet. When I asked him to clean it up, he refused, saying it's his carpet because he paid for it and it's my job to take care of his things.

I try to explain that it's hard work to keep up a home and care for the children, but he says he'd change places with me anytime if I could find a job that pays me the same amount of money he makes. He knows I don't have the skills to do that.

He says he loves me, but I don't think that you can love someone you don't value or respect because she doesn't bring home a paycheck. -- FEELING WORTHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR FEELING WORTHLESS: In 1989, I printed a letter stating the dollar-and-cents value of a homemaker. At the time, it was $52,000 a year, and the Employment Cost Index has continually risen. Your husband should be able to do the math.

Later, I told another woman who described herself as "only a housewife": "In your home you are the director of health, education and welfare; the secretary of the treasury; the head of entertainment and public relations; the chairman of the House Rules Committee; and the chief operating officer of family planning. You'd have to be married to a millionaire to be paid what you're really worth."

Give your husband some food for thought. Schedule dinner a little later for him tonight, and leave this column on his plate for him to digest.

DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the real issue in the letter from "Enough Already in New York," the man whose company made him room with a gay colleague on a business trip. "Enough" managed to endure his discomfort during the trip. What he's had enough of is the ribbing from his co-workers after his return.

Abby, the man is being harassed. The subject of the harassment is sexual in nature. Sexual harassment, homophobic or otherwise, should not be tolerated in any workplace. "Enough" should ask his co-workers to stop harassing him. If they persist, management should discipline them. If management fails to intervene, this man has a claim against his employers. -- LAURIE LEIBER

DEAR LAURIE: You're right. I failed to see the forest for the trees. Thank you for the astute analysis.

DEAR ABBY: The problem experienced by "Cursing Mom" may be avoided when this little poem is taken to heart:

I lost a very little word,

Just the other day;

It was a very naughty word

I had not meant to say.

But then, it was not really lost --

When from my lips it flew,

My little daughter picked it up,

And now she says it too.

-- MBP, PALATKA, FLA.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A relative my husband and I had not seen or heard from for more than 17 years unexpectedly showed up at our door and stayed, uninvited, for five days!

Although she was neat, considerate, appreciative and generous, I was angry, frustrated and resentful of the intrusion. What is your opinion regarding this situation, and what would you have done under the same circumstances? -- SUSAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SUSAN: If a relative -- or friend -- showed up at my door unexpectedly with luggage in hand, I would have taken him or her to dinner (or lunch, depending on the time of arrival) -- and then offered to make a reservation at a nearby motel or hotel.

DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter in your column concerning kissing with eyes open. Well, I kissed with my eyes open -- deliberately. Why? Because I was going with a woman so stunningly beautiful that I didn't want to waste any of her enchanting loveliness.

My standards in female beauty had always been so absurdly high that I knew I had a champagne appetite (what I desired in feminine looks) on a beer budget (what I had to offer). When she appeared on the scene, exceeding my wildest dreams, and went for me in a big way, the thrill of kissing the mouth in the middle of that divinely beautiful face would have been partially squandered had I not kept my eyes open.

I had to train myself to do it, but the practicing was plenty pleasant. Just sign me ... OLD JOHN IN GLENDALE

DEAR OLD JOHN: You are a true romantic. Thank you for including your full name and address, which I dare not disclose. Were I to do so, it would threaten your privacy and create a scene that would rival the Gold Rush of 1849.

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter, as we will be going on vacation soon.

Every time my husband and I travel to another country such as Mexico, Jamaica or other Caribbean islands, we're asked to bring back duty-free alcohol. The people who make these requests are not good friends -- they are usually my husband's co-workers.

The U.S. government allows each person to return home with two bottles of liquor duty-free. We would like to be able to buy the quota for ourselves and our family, but my husband does not know how to refuse his colleagues.

Please help with a polite answer for these people when they ask. -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: Foreign travel by Americans has become so common that it really is an imposition for the traveler to be asked to lug liquor and other gifts home from abroad.

Your husband should smile and say, "Sorry, there is a limit of two bottles -- and those have been promised." Other items are also limited, so the same response should work for almost any request.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, I moved in with a man I love very much. (I'll call him Carl.) Four months later, his twin sister came for a visit. It was then that I learned that Carl was married, and had two children from another marriage 12 years before that one. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about him, and he said there wasn't.

I worked through my feelings of betrayal, and Carl obtained a divorce. We married a year later.

This New Year's Eve, another sister came to visit. As she reminisced about the family, another child from my husband's past was revealed. Abby, I had given Carl every opportunity to clean the slate years before, so I became angry. I felt betrayed again.

Both his sister and I have explained to Carl the importance of sharing one's past with a spouse. Behavior and attitudes are formed by past events, and it's difficult to understand why people think and behave the way they do without that history. Carl totally disagrees. He insists that love between two people is enough to build a future. He refuses counseling.

Am I wrong to insist that my husband face his past? I am afraid there are more secrets that will shake our foundation, although he assures me there are no more. -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Since your husband has deceived you and misrepresented himself, I don't blame you for being fearful that there may be other skeletons in his closet.

While I agree with him that love and trust are enough of a basis on which to build a future, he has shown himself to be unworthy of the trust he's expecting you to place in him. Counseling might help him form healthier living patterns -- but if he doesn't want it, it would be time and money wasted.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my husband adopted a son I had by a former marriage. (I'll call the boy Ben.) He is the only father Ben has ever known. We have other children together.

Most of my husband's family refuses to accept Ben as part of their family. They do not consider him to be one of the grandchildren or one of the cousins. My husband's mother tries to treat the children equally, but the aunts and uncles have never given Ben a birthday present and never include him when making references to the cousins.

This past Christmas, the family had the children exchange names. The relatives who drew Ben's name didn't bring him a present. (They did, however, take the present we had bought for their child.) They brought a gift for another child on the list, but when I asked them about a present for Ben, they said they had "forgotten" it and walked away.

My husband doesn't like the way his family treats Ben, but says he can't control them. He says he cannot tell his relatives they must give presents to our son. I want to tell his family that if they don't treat all our children equally, we would prefer to stop exchanging gifts. My husband says if I speak up, it will only start a family feud and hurt our other children.

Abby, this situation really hurts. Ben has mentioned that he knows his father's family doesn't accept him. My husband and I have had many arguments over this. I read your column often and have never seen this issue addressed. I would think this is a common problem among blended families these days. What is your advice? -- ALICE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ALICE: Your husband's family is being deliberately cruel, which is inexcusable. If your husband won't assume the responsibility, you have every right to tell them: "We are a family. Give equally to all the children, or we won't exchange gifts at all."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)