DEAR ABBY: I'm a 36-year-old food server with a 12-year-old son. I have been married four times. The first marriage lasted seven years, the second lasted nine months, the third lasted a year. When I married my fourth husband, I realized within the first two weeks that I had made another mistake, so I had the marriage annulled.

As you can guess from the number of times I have been married, I want to be married. But for some unexplained reason, I start arguments and sabotage my relationships. Since my last marriage, I find myself starting to sabotage as early as the third or fourth date.

Men usually like me and are puzzled by my arguments and sudden cold shoulder. When they ask me to explain what is wrong, because they can't figure out why I won't speak to them for days, I can't give them an answer.

Abby, I don't know why I do this. I feel terrible about it, but I can't seem to stop. I have noticed that with a couple of the men, the ones who didn't push for too much intimacy right away, I didn't start arguing or fighting quite so quickly. Perhaps I need my space, and when they encroach on it I unconsciously use arguments to regain my independence.

Have you any idea why I do this, and how I can stop driving nice men away? I do want a loving relationship. -- PAT IN POCATELLO

DEAR PAT: You are reacting the way you do because on some level you are afraid of letting a man get beyond your defenses. Why you put up a barrier is something that only you can answer.

The quickest way to get to the root of the problem is through professional counseling. You have already taken the first step by admitting that you have a problem; now, take the next step -- counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the 83-year-old grandfather of a 28-year-old grandson, "Tom," who was never taught discipline. He was discharged from the military with an "unfit for service" discharge. While he was in the service, he never acknowledged gifts sent to him on Christmas, birthdays or other occasions.

Upon his return home, Tom stole his father's vehicle and credit cards and left for parts unknown. He charged hundreds of dollars on the cards, including charges for prostitutes. When he found him, Tom's father did nothing except send him to an uncle's in another state. This uncle took him into his home. Shortly thereafter, Tom stole blank checks, forged his uncle's name and cleaned out the account. The uncle didn't press charges.

Tom then visited another uncle who was ill, supposedly to care for him and help out. He did -- by stealing money from him also. This uncle pressed no charges, either.

An aunt got Tom a good job and signed papers to help him buy a car. Then he met a topless dancer in a bar and left the state with her and the car.

Upon their return, Tom and the girl came to me, and I refused to let them in my home. Did I do wrong? Now my son, Tom's father, won't call me, talk to me or anything. -- DISHEARTENED GRANDFATHER IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR GRANDFATHER: You were wise to protect yourself from your seriously disturbed grandson.

The person to whom your son should be directing his anger is himself, for not recognizing that Tom needed professional help while it was still possible to do something for him.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "A Mom in Washington" concerning her daughter "Sybil's" boyfriend and his reluctance to give gifts. I hope this letter will be helpful.

The young man won't change, and the situation will only worsen as time goes on if Sybil allows it. The only person Sybil can change is herself.

Instead of crying and putting a strain on the relationship, she needs to ask herself if the young man has other important qualities that might make him a good husband and father. If so, she should be prepared to purchase things she likes, charge them to him, and tell him that's what he "bought her" for her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.

I was married to a man very much like him, and I shed more tears than I care to remember. Valentine's Day was just an ordinary day at our house; on Mother's Day I was told "you're not my mother"; our aniversary was his birthday, so we celebrated his birthday; my birthday was close to Christmas, so I might receive a gift for one or the other -- but never for both occasions.

Life is short. So pick your arguments. Some people are givers and others are takers. Somehow relationships always seem to have one of each in them. -- WISER NOW IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WISER NOW: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. As the song says, "Little Things Mean a Lot." I received many comments about that letter. Read on for another perspective:

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "A Mom in Washington" regarding her daughter's boyfriend who was reluctant to buy gifts.

I don't understand the obsession that people (and women, in particular) have with gifts. They are NOT what is important. Yes, I am a woman -- happily married for 26 years and practically giftless for all of them. I did receive flowers twice, when our children were born. I have never received jewelry, candy, lingerie, perfume, or any of those other gifts that women seem to think define their relationship. I have received appliances -- and even a smoke alarm one Christmas.

Do I care? No. No gift could possibly substitute for the daily kindness that abounds in this household. There are hundreds of examples, but most recently, when I severely cut my finger, I awoke the next morning to find a newly purchased bag of bandages -- just because I "might" need them. It was one of the sweetest, most considerate things I've ever seen -- and far more touching than any obligatory gift on a special day.

Sisters, get over your obsession with gifts. If you're not getting thoughtfulness every day, no gift is going to make it better. (And if it does, you are indeed materialistic.)

Your advice missed the mark, Abby. The boyfriend doesn't need to "adjust" -- Sybil does, and so does her mom. -- WAKE ME UP WHEN WOMEN GET A CLUE

DEAR WAKE ME: Whether it's a gift or a compliment, thoughtfulness and romantic gestures are never out of style.

I have often thought that the most sensitive sex organ in men or women is the EAR, and the most potent aphrodisiac is the spoken word.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am feeling very guilty about my role in the destruction of a co-worker's life. He was a nice guy, but he also was a workaholic who didn't fit into the "party" culture of this office.

In the course of his duties, he uncovered a fraudulent activity by the boss. The boss panicked and fired him. A wave of mass hysteria followed, and some of the employees (myself included) made false accusations against this man. Now some of us regret our involvement. We were inflamed by the snow job our boss did on us, as well as the emphasis he placed on his need for our "loyalty."

One employee even claimed the co-worker made sexual advances toward her. It is obvious now that she and the boss are "very close," and most of us are sure she was lying. This woman is now obviously after my position, so I will probably be the next to lose my job. The moral: Don't get caught up in the heat of office politics and don't become part of a lynch mob.

I wish I could undo the damage I did to this person's career. Should I contact the man's lawyer, or just keep quiet? -- SORRY DOWN SOUTH

DEAR SORRY: If you can right the wrong that was done to your co-worker, step forward and set the record straight.

DEAR ABBY: When a girl gets pregnant, why is it always HER fault? I mean, doesn't it take two to tango? And how come if guys have premarital sex, it's not considered bad -- but with girls, it's as bad as a heart attack?

What really makes me mad are these sex-loving guys who want to marry virgins! I feel if a guy wants to marry a virgin, he should be one, too. Guys should wait for sex, just like girls are supposed to do.

I have talked to both men and women about this. Most of them agree with me. Abby, what do you think? -- WONDERING OUT LOUD

DEAR WONDERING: The attitude you have described is called a double standard, which is defined as "a set of principles applied more rigorously to one group than another."

There would be less hypocrisy in the world if we all held ourselves to the same standards we expect others to observe.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Junie's Only Mom" reminded me of something that occurred shortly after my wife and I were married.

My wife had two daughters, ages 3 and 6, and an ex-husband who wasn't interested in raising kids. Curiously, while the oldest looked like her mother, the youngest strongly resembled me.

One day while the youngest girl and I were waiting in line at the supermarket, a customer commented that I would never lose my daughter since she was my spitting image. I responded that was strange since she was my stepdaughter.

As we left the store, my stepdaughter emphatically insisted that if people thought she was my "real" daughter, I should let them think that. Over the last 11 years, this scenario has played out several times, and I've never corrected anyone again.

Abby, a "real" parent is the one who is there from diapers to dating, and has nothing to do with biology. -- A "REAL" MONTANA DAD

DEAR DAD: Out of the mouths of babes ...

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)