DEAR ABBY: I love my mother and she says she loves me, but she can be quite difficult. A visit seldom goes by without her getting in at least a few hurtful zingers. There's always something about me that doesn't suit her. She says tactless things she would never dream of saying to anyone else. Telephone conversations don't include comments about my weight and appearance, because, thank goodness, she can't see me. However, she fills the space with advice and lectures.

Visits with Mother drain me. It often takes several days for me to get over being depressed and cranky. My solution is to avoid her.

Mother wants me to visit more often. I would like to accommodate her, and I go as frequently as my bruised psyche can tolerate, and that's it. I prefer the company of friends who accept and appreciate me just as I am. It breaks my heart to have to protect myself from my own mother.

Abby, please tell parents that if they yearn for the company of their adult children to do their part to make the visits mutually pleasant. Set aside parental instincts and treat your offspring with the respect and courtesy due the adult that your child has become. -- EMOTIONALLY BRUISED

DEAR BRUISED: Your problem won't be resolved until you're strong enough to confront your mother and tell her how her criticism has made you feel. Do not approach her in anger. Before you visit, make a list of the comments that hurt you, and tell her how they make you feel. Rehearse what you're going to say until you feel comfortable with it. Then tell her plainly how you expect to be treated in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with some of the advice you gave to "Sleepless in Missouri," the woman whose fiance's sister stole an expensive painting and her grandmother's china. You stated that the sister may be suffering from kleptomania, a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive.

Abby, kleptomania is a rare disorder. People who suffer from it usually steal small, inexpensive items that they have no use for. They usually feel extremely remorseful for what they have done, and frequently either return the items or give them away.

More than likely, the sister of "Sleepless'" fiance is suffering from a sense of entitlement. Since she brazenly displays the stolen items, she seems to feel no qualms about what she has done. She may rationalize it was acceptable to steal the items because "Sleepless" was not using them. Also, she may have thought she wouldn't get caught, or the items would not be missed since they were left in storage.

"Sleepless" should confront her fiance and his sister about the stolen items and be prepared to press charges.

I am as troubled as you, Abby, that her fiance condones his sister's stealing, especially from someone he supposedly loves. I endorse your advice to "Sleepless" to think twice before entering into that marriage. -- SUSAN J. ULLMAN, DIRECTOR OF THEFT TREATMENT PROGRAM, CLERMONT COUNSELING CENTER, BATAVIA, OHIO

DEAR SUSAN: I bow to your expertise. Your advice supports what many readers wrote. They said I was too easy on both the thief and her brother, who brushed off his sister's wrongdoing.

To "Sleepless," I amend my advice to include giving serious consideration to filing charges.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Tempted in Tennessee" NOT to destroy her diary of 50 years. She should leave it to a women's history archive, such as the Newcomb College Center for Research on Women in New Orleans.

Women's lives are reported far too often through the eyes of the men around them. Their writings and papers are either considered inconsequential or, if they're saved, they are archived with those of their spouse.

Diaries give historians and other scholars insights into the daily lives of ordinary women (and men) and are a valuable resource. Public television recently had a program about the diary of a midwife in early 18th-century Maine. This diary is the focal point of a marvelous book by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, "A Midwife's Tale." Reading the diary excerpts in this book gives one a picture of the daily experiences of women in that time and place. Ulrich went beyond just the daily activities and wove them into a historical background.

The place for longtime diaries is, ultimately, a research library. According to the archivist at Newcomb, if you do not want to give up the papers themselves, they can be copied onto acid-free paper and the papers preserved for historians. The archivist will also tell you how to maintain any privacy you feel is needed. (I am currently doing this with a collection of letters my uncle wrote during World War II.)

Please don't destroy records of lives -- let them become part of our history. -- SUE ROWLAND, SLIDELL, LA.

DEAR SUE: Thank you for pointing this out. "Tempted in Tennessee" did not include her name and address with her letter, so I'm printing yours in the hope that she (and others who keep diaries and journals) will see it. I was unaware that research libraries might find them valuable.

Since that letter appeared, I have been inundated with letters telling me that such memorabilia could also be of interest to libraries and historical societies. If the contents are very personal, they can be donated under the condition that the contents not be revealed before a specific period of time has elapsed -- say, 25 to 50 years.

DEAR ABBY: May I share with you what my 17-year-old stepson, Brandon McCoy, has done on his birthday since he was 11 years old? He has a party and invites many friends. He asks them to design a card or write a funny poem for him instead of buying a commercial card. He also asks them to bring cans of food instead of gifts. Friends deposit a sack of food as they enter the party, and no one sees who brought how much or what -- they just see a sack.

After the party, Brandon calls the food bank to come and pick up the "loot."

What inspired Brandon was seeing a man begging for food outside a fast-food place. He took the man inside and bought him a meal, and thus was born the tradition of celebrating his birthday by gathering food for hungry people in our neighborhood.

Abby, he has fed many families this way, and we are so proud of him. -- MAX AMOS, ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR MAX: I can see why you are proud of this generous-spirited young man. Brandon's idea could be implemented at holiday parties as well. Sharing the "wealth" with those less fortunate should be part and parcel of the holiday season.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I left "Bill," the man I had lived with for almost four years and with whom I have a daughter. I left him to move in with "John," someone I met on the Internet. It was a big mistake. John turned out to be a pathological liar who used me for my money. I was deeply hurt.

Abby, during our six months together, he was hired twice, but was fired from each job within two weeks. I bought him everything he had. He promised to repay me, but I haven't received one red cent from him. I am now filing for bankruptcy.

John told me he loved me and wanted us to marry and have a family. He talked me into going off the pill. I agreed because I loved him and wanted another child. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I realized that John had lied to me about everything, so I broke up with him.

Bill and I are back together now, and getting married soon. Since he will be raising the child, he wants his name on the birth certificate instead of John's. John is leaving the state and I don't think he will be back.

My question is: What last name should my child have? John feels that the baby should have his last name because he is the biological father. He threatened that if I didn't agree, he would get a court order. Can he do that since we were never married?

Abby, should I put Bill's name, John's name or "father unknown" on the birth certificate? -- UNDECIDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNDECIDED: I see no reason why you should put Bill's name on the birth certificate since he is not the child's biological father. However, since what you put on the birth certificate could have unforeseen consequences in the future, I urge you not to make this decision without consulting a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column most of my life, and more often than not I agree with your advice. However, when I read your response to "Wondering in Minnesota" about whether or not Protestants should kneel when participating in a Catholic celebration, I totally disagreed. You assert that it is not necessary for a Protestant to kneel when Catholics do.

Abby, I recently visited the Holy Land, and had the opportunity to enter many houses of worship and other holy places. Men (Jewish, Christian, Moslem) are required to cover their heads with a yarmulke when entering the confines of the Western/Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, so I did likewise. At the entrance to the mosque Al-Aksa, Jerusalem's Dome of the Rock, all are required to remove their shoes, so I removed my shoes.

Did I wear a yarmulke or remove my shoes because I believed in, agreed with or understood the religious reasons for these practices? No. I observed these traditions to show my respect while in the spiritual homes of my Jewish or Moslem brothers and sisters.

Not kneeling in Catholic services could be seen as a lack of respect to our specific approach to the universal God and the religious traditions of our people. Although most Catholics would never put someone out of a church for not kneeling, failure to kneel may send the wrong message.

Remember, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." -- FATHER R. TONY RICARD, NEW ORLEANS

DEAR FATHER RICARD: Thank you for writing and stating your viewpoint. However, the compromise offered by the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is to offer the option of kneeling, not kneeling, or merely sitting quietly. In other words, it's up to the individual.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)