Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: With the holiday season approaching, I'd like to share with you and your readers a story that was told to me by a lady in the waiting room of a hospital here in Atlanta when my wife was hospitalized. I hope you enjoy it. -- WILLIAM A. PARKER JR., ATLANTA

DEAR WILLIAM: Let me put it this way: Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. With a slight twist of fate, the comedy could have turned into a tragedy. Read on:

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

"In December 1966, a lady from northeast Georgia called her sister in Atlanta to ask if it would be safe to come to Atlanta to shop at a major shopping mall. Her sister assured her she would be entirely safe.

"The shopper came to the city, but 'just in case,' she brought her 6-inch .38-caliber revolver with her in her handbag. She arrived safely and shopped all day. Around dusk, she walked into the parking lot, carrying her bags and packages. As she approached her car, she noticed two men sitting in it. She carefully put her bags on the ground, pointed a finger and shouted, 'You men get out of my car!' Nothing happened.

"She again pointed her finger and shouted, 'You men get out of my car.' Nothing happened. She then opened her pocketbook, took out her .38-caliber revolver with the 6-inch barrel, pointed it at the men and shouted, 'You men, I've told you twice to get out of my car. Get out, and I mean RIGHT NOW!' This time the doors flew open and the two men ran like jackrabbits.

"The lady put her pistol in her purse, retrieved her packages, placed them in the back seat of the car, and got behind the wheel. She locked the doors and put her key in the ignition. It would not turn. Suddenly, she realized that she was not in her car.

"She looked around to see if anyone was watching, carefully opened the door and walked to her car, which was parked about four spaces away. Again, she loaded her packages, locked the door and began to leave the parking lot.

"As she was leaving, she noticed several security guards and honked and waved to get their attention. She called out to them, 'I need to tell you nice men about something that happened to me.'

"One of the guards replied, 'Lady, we don't have time to chat. There's a little old lady with a pistol out in the parking lot hijacking cars!'

"She rolled up her window and drove home. Once safely at home, she called her sister and reported what had happened. She ended by saying, '... and I don't want you to worry. I won't shop there ever again!'"

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for 56 years and have received many gifts from my children and grandchildren. My husband died recently, and I am downsizing from my large home to a much smaller house. I must sell or give away many of these gifts we received over the years.

My question: Can I give my children anything I want to? One of my children thinks I should return to each child whatever he or she has given me.

I would prefer to dole out these gifts to whomever I choose, regardless of who gave it to me. Your thoughts, please. -- TEXAS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Remind your child that a gift, once given, belongs to the recipient to do with as she pleases. Then give the items to whomever you wish to have them.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I have a bone to pick with you. I am a widow living in a seniors building. One of the residents brought your column on sending anniversary cards to a surviving spouse to the community room.

Your advice was wrong! There are eight of us here who should know. Speaking for myself, I would NOT want to receive an anniversary card, because one person cannot celebrate something that two people should. The day should be remembered because it is important, but instead, take the surviving spouse to dinner or to an event to show that you remember. -- EIGHT WIDOWS, VAN DYKE CENTER, DETROIT

DEAR EIGHT WIDOWS: Thank you for offering an opposing viewpoint that was not reflected in the mail I have received. Most widows and widowers who wrote expressed sadness that friends and relatives ignored the anniversary after the spouse died. Sending a card is less expensive than entertaining -- and can mean just as much. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter from "Concerned Sister-in-Law" moved me to write. She said her mother-in-law had died in 1989, but her sister-in-law still sends anniversary cards to her father. She asked if that was healthy and normal.

Abby, your answer was right on! It is healthy and normal. My husband died three months before our 55th wedding anniversary. On our anniversary, our daughter gave me a gift, a potted plant and a coffee mug with her father's name on it. It made a lonely day a little brighter.

"Concerned" should be thankful that her sister-in-law shows her love for her father by celebrating the memory of her mother. -- JERRIE FROM VALRICO, FLA.

DEAR JERRIE: Many widows and widowers wrote to confirm that such thoughtful gestures make a sad day more bearable. Read on for a letter from a widow who was less fortunate than you:

DEAR ABBY: I have followed your column for many years, but have never written because I've had a beautiful life and few complaints. I had a marvelous husband for 28 years -- until cancer took him from me.

We had three wonderful sons who never gave us a minute's trouble. They married terrific wives and gave us beautiful grandchildren. So why am I writing? Let me tell you:

Yesterday was my 33rd anniversary, and not a soul mentioned it. When I went to bed last night, I hugged my husband's picture and recalled the happiness of our wedding day. Tears streamed down my face because no one remembered. Even though my spouse will never be with me again on this special date, it's still our anniversary and always will be. -- A YOUNG WIDOW IN GEORGIA

DEAR YOUNG WIDOW: Perhaps your letter will be the catalyst that inspires others to do something positive on those special occasions.

Readers: Now you have both sides of the story. It's up to you to decide if cards, flowers or even a telephone call is thoughtful and appropriate on a birthday or wedding anniversary if one spouse is deceased. I'm confident that you will conclude it is.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love my mother and she says she loves me, but she can be quite difficult. A visit seldom goes by without her getting in at least a few hurtful zingers. There's always something about me that doesn't suit her. She says tactless things she would never dream of saying to anyone else. Telephone conversations don't include comments about my weight and appearance, because, thank goodness, she can't see me. However, she fills the space with advice and lectures.

Visits with Mother drain me. It often takes several days for me to get over being depressed and cranky. My solution is to avoid her.

Mother wants me to visit more often. I would like to accommodate her, and I go as frequently as my bruised psyche can tolerate, and that's it. I prefer the company of friends who accept and appreciate me just as I am. It breaks my heart to have to protect myself from my own mother.

Abby, please tell parents that if they yearn for the company of their adult children to do their part to make the visits mutually pleasant. Set aside parental instincts and treat your offspring with the respect and courtesy due the adult that your child has become. -- EMOTIONALLY BRUISED

DEAR BRUISED: Your problem won't be resolved until you're strong enough to confront your mother and tell her how her criticism has made you feel. Do not approach her in anger. Before you visit, make a list of the comments that hurt you, and tell her how they make you feel. Rehearse what you're going to say until you feel comfortable with it. Then tell her plainly how you expect to be treated in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with some of the advice you gave to "Sleepless in Missouri," the woman whose fiance's sister stole an expensive painting and her grandmother's china. You stated that the sister may be suffering from kleptomania, a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive.

Abby, kleptomania is a rare disorder. People who suffer from it usually steal small, inexpensive items that they have no use for. They usually feel extremely remorseful for what they have done, and frequently either return the items or give them away.

More than likely, the sister of "Sleepless'" fiance is suffering from a sense of entitlement. Since she brazenly displays the stolen items, she seems to feel no qualms about what she has done. She may rationalize it was acceptable to steal the items because "Sleepless" was not using them. Also, she may have thought she wouldn't get caught, or the items would not be missed since they were left in storage.

"Sleepless" should confront her fiance and his sister about the stolen items and be prepared to press charges.

I am as troubled as you, Abby, that her fiance condones his sister's stealing, especially from someone he supposedly loves. I endorse your advice to "Sleepless" to think twice before entering into that marriage. -- SUSAN J. ULLMAN, DIRECTOR OF THEFT TREATMENT PROGRAM, CLERMONT COUNSELING CENTER, BATAVIA, OHIO

DEAR SUSAN: I bow to your expertise. Your advice supports what many readers wrote. They said I was too easy on both the thief and her brother, who brushed off his sister's wrongdoing.

To "Sleepless," I amend my advice to include giving serious consideration to filing charges.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)