DEAR ABBY: I hope you will publish my letter so do-gooders will stop and think before they do more harm than good.

I used to love my back yard. It was a bit unkempt, but my husband is gone and I am elderly. However, the yard was mine. The flowers my husband planted gave me great joy -- until a well-meaning neighbor decided to bring her five teen-agers over one day, when I was not home, to "neaten up" my yard. She was trying to teach them concern for others.

I like these people. They were so happy about "surprising" me by cleaning up my yard that I didn't have the heart to tell them that the "weeds" they had pulled up were my lovely perennials that were about to bloom! And the "overgrown" evergreens were there to block the view of the neighbor's messy dog run. Now they are trimmed down to almost nothing, and the view is disgusting!

Abby, my yard is no longer mine, and I have shed many tears over the loss.

Please remind your readers that if they want to help, they should ASK first -- and not just take over. -- HURT BY GOOD INTENTIONS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT: Your point is well taken -- and I'm printing your letter as a warning to well-intentioned people who may be tempted to make the innocent mistake your neighbor made. Take comfort in the fact that the evergreens will grow back.

Now dry your tears, call your well-meaning neighbor, and tell her that you have one more job for her and the kids -- to take you to a plant nursery to select replacements for the perennials your beloved husband had planted that gave you so much joy each summer. It will be a learning experience for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: "Sexless in Seattle" seems totally focused on developing an intimate relationship with the desirable widower, but never a mention of marriage.

For many, many people, marriage comes first, then intimacy follows naturally. Perhaps this is the case of morality, not pathological grief. If his first marriage was good, an intimate relationship would seem to be infidelity, adultery or fornication.

The more fitting solution is the marriage ceremony to put closure to the first marriage and end the grieving process. -- A.V.G. IN FLORIDA

DEAR A.V.G.: I agree that for many people marriage comes first. However, if morality were the issue, the man wouldn't have been making and breaking promises to the woman for nearly a year. Instead, he would have told her plainly -- and proudly -- that he doesn't condone sex outside of marriage. That's the honorable thing to do, and it would have saved her a lot of pain.

DEAR ABBY: For years I have plagued my friends, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. concerning a piece about the "Bigger family." In trying to determine who was bigger, the situation became quite complicated. The youngest member of the family was a baby, therefore he was bigger because he was a "Little Bigger."

Uncle Bigger passed away and was buried down by the mill. He was then bigger because he was "Bigger by a dam site."

I would be thankful if you could find a copy of the piece, Abby. Thanks! -- H.R. MANUEL, ALAMO, TEXAS

DEAR H.R.: I'm sure my readers will be as intrigued with your piece as I was -- and if it's familiar to anyone and I receive a copy, I'll forward it to you. Just remember -- bigger isn't necessarily better.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am absolutely outraged. I am a young woman of 23 who was brought up by parents who knew my whereabouts every minute of the day until I was married. Now, as the manager of a suburban fast-food restaurant, I am the supervisor and confidante to a number of fine teen-agers.

These kids come from well-to-do homes, but their parents are totally irresponsible. My current pique stems from a robbery 10 days ago. I and two workers, both 17-year-old girls, were closing up late Friday night when we were confronted by several armed men. The rules are strict: Don't resist. We didn't. The three of us were taken into the back room, bound hand and foot with duct tape, gagged and left hog-tied on the floor. When the men left, we struggled but it was evident that we wouldn't be able to break loose or go for help.

My husband was working night shift and would not miss me -- but surely, I thought, the girls' parents would come looking for them. As we huddled together, unable to do much more than mumble through the tape on our mouths, I listened for the sound of cars and the girls' worried parents. I figured it would be an hour at worst. Abby, THEY NEVER CAME! The phone never even rang. Workers arriving at 6 a.m. found us still bound and huddling. We had spent the entire night tied up on the floor, and the girls were apparently not missed.

At this point, I actually feel more anger toward the parents of these girls than for the men who robbed us. We were not hurt, and I can understand why it was necessary to tie us up. But what kind of parents are unaware when their teen-aged daughters are gone all night? I am ... BOUND AND BOILING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BOUND AND BOILING: You have written a letter that is sure to generate comments, and I don't blame you for being outraged. As long as children live under their parents' roof, they are the responsibility of the parent. Because children come from well-to-do homes does not automatically guarantee that they have caring, involved, concerned parents. In this case, I would say that the parents weren't doing an adequate job -- and that everyone concerned is fortunate this episode didn't end in a tragedy.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your recent acknowledgment of jurors. I, too, have been called for jury duty, and I griped and grumbled during the process. I will never gripe again.

Last year my father was murdered. The perpetrator was tried in April. The jury did an incredible job of deliberating for 14 hours after a three-day trial. They are to be commended for doing one of the hardest things a human being has to do -- to sit in judgment of another person.

I would like to thank the men and women who are willing to go through such an ordeal. -- ELIZABETH IN WINTER PARK, FLA.

DEAR ELIZABETH: I would like to thank them, too. As your traumatic experience illustrates, it's vital that our juries be composed of dedicated and conscientious citizens who are willing to make the sacrifice and do their duty.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a 21-year-old daughter who has three semesters left in college and a well-paying, part-time co-op job. She still lives at home with us. All that we ask of her is that she come home at night, take turns with her sisters doing the dishes and one chore a week.

My husband works 45-plus hours a week at his job and 15-plus hours a week on our small business. I am disabled and unable to do much around the house. My daughter doesn't always come home at night, and while she has time to sleep until 2 p.m. on weekends and time for her boyfriend, she does not make time to do her chores.

I do not want to kick her out and possibly jeopardize her college education, but she's too old to ground. I'm thinking of having her pay $100 a month for rent (this would be no hardship for her), as it seems she uses our home like a hotel and disregards our wishes. Your thoughts, please. -- OUT OF OPTIONS

DEAR OUT OF OPTIONS: I see nothing wrong with the idea. Since your daughter feels she's old enough to disregard the rules of the house, and giving you $100 a month would not be a financial hardship, that's what she should do.

DEAR ABBY: Friends of ours -- not too close, not too distant -- have a son who is being married for the second time. The wedding will be held 3,000 miles from where we live.

I have just found out that we will be receiving an invitation anyway, because we lived there 30 years ago. They know that we would not fly out for the wedding.

When this man was married the first time, we gave them a nice wedding gift. We also sent one when he graduated from high school and from college.

Must I send them a gift when the invitation arrives? I think these folks are just out for the gifts. My husband said he plans to throw the invitation in the trash as soon as he sees it. Please advise. -- AT A LOSS IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR AT A LOSS: Guests who are unable to attend a wedding need not send a gift. When the invitation arrives, send your regrets and a warm note congratulating the couple and wishing them every happiness. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I feel that I must respond to the 31-year-old woman whose "live-in" wants to be married secretly. I know the results of what has ensued in a similar situation.

The man had been married before and had a daughter. Although he had been separated from his wife for many years, they had never been divorced. The latter "wife" only discovered this when the man became seriously ill and his daughter was contacted.

You once printed something that I have never forgotten: "O what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." -- A GRATEFUL READER WHOM YOU ONCE HELPED

DEAR GRATEFUL READER: I agree that the proposal of a secret marriage should not only raise a few eyebrows, but some suspicions as well. And I cannot take credit for that quote. It came from Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832) -- and it's certainly appropriate.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)