Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My mother and stepfather would love to be the guardians of my children. My children adore both of them. The problem is my mother has a drinking problem. She never drinks during the day, or even every day. However, she entertains a lot, and when she does, she often drinks too much and becomes loud and slurry. I consider her to be a binge alcoholic and can recall incidents of her being drunk since I was 7.

I overcame my own alcohol and tobacco addictions because I wanted to do it for myself. I felt it was important to set a good example for my children. I knew I couldn't expect them to listen to me tell them not to drink and smoke when I indulged in both nasty habits.

Now that I am free of these substances, I don't know if I should approach my mother about this issue. Should I tell her that I wouldn't want my children growing up in a household where alcohol is used irresponsibly, and give her a chance to clean up her act and quit? Or should I just not mention that I have selected someone else in my will to be my children's guardian and let it be a surprise should the occasion arise?

Mother would become incredibly hostile and defensive if I bring up her drinking habits. I want to stack all of the odds against my children becoming alcoholics, as it does run in the family. My husband agreed that you would know how to handle this in the best way. -- STACKING THE ODDS IN OREGON

DEAR STACKING: Your children must come first. Arrange for someone other than your mother to be your children's guardian. Then contact Al-Anon and inquire about an intervention program for her. With the help of an intervention team, talk to your mother about her binge drinking and the effect it had on you while you were growing up.

If she gets a handle on her problem, you can change your will at a later date. Perhaps it will be an incentive for her to quit.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided to host a small but formal New Year's Eve party. I called my neighbor to tell her, and to invite her and her family. She graciously offered lots of help and proceeded to give me her guest list.

I politely told her that my husband and I were hosting the party. (I thought perhaps she had misunderstood -- that she thought I had asked her to host the party jointly.) I explained that we wanted to keep it small and limited to our close family and friends; therefore I could extend the invitation only to her, her husband and their children. She replied that she didn't think it was out of line to invite her own guests -- and that they probably wouldn't show up anyway.

It has caused a lot of friction between us, and I have since canceled the party, which I really didn't want to do. Can I still have the party but not invite them? They live right up the street. -- A. DILEMMA, PACIFICA, CALIF.

DEAR A. DILEMMA: Just when I think I've heard everything, I receive a letter about a neighbor like yours. To invite people to a party and assume they "probably won't show up anyway" is foolish. What if they DO show up and you're not prepared for them?

Give the party, and allow me to be the first to wish you a happy, healthy new year. Make one of your resolutions to have little to do with your nervy neighbor. It doesn't take a crystal ball to predict she'll be angry when she learns she wasn't included.

P.S. Don't be surprised if they show up anyway.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Nameless Please" was shortsighted. (She was four months' pregnant when she married, and had lied for 39 years about the date of the wedding.) You advised her to say nothing now.

My half-sister, "Stella," gave birth to my niece "Lucy" 13 months before she married "Wayne." Stella never named Lucy's biological father. The marriage lasted until Stella's death 11 years ago.

Stella and Wayne (who was NOT Lucy's biological father) told Lucy they married two years before they actually did -- making it appear that Lucy was conceived AFTER the wedding.

A few years after Stella died, my mother (Stella's stepmother) visited Wayne and essentially browbeat him about the lie he and Stella had told about their wedding date, and how it would affect Lucy when she eventually found out.

After Mother left, Wayne called Lucy in tears. Lucy raced to his home fearful of what was wrong. Wayne began to tell Lucy the truth. When she realized what he was trying to say, she stopped him. She had found her parents' marriage certificate more than 10 years earlier. When she hosted their silver anniversary party, she knew then it had actually been their 23rd. She didn't care!

Mr. and Mrs. Nameless should tell their children the truth, and give them an explanation of what happened and why they lied about it. The climate was very different then. "Nice" boys and girls didn't get pregnant before marriage.

The truth may save one of their grandchildren from falling into the trap the Namelesses fell into. The virtue in their story is that they apparently have been faithful to each other all their lives. They have nothing to be ashamed of -- and a great deal of which to be proud. -- JOHN A., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR JOHN: When I told "Nameless" to let the past stay buried, I hoped to save them embarrassment. Although pregnant brides are common in recent years, 40 years ago it was still something to be concealed. Further, parents are usually uncomfortable discussing their sexual adventures with their children -- clearly that was the case with the couple who wrote to me.

Since I printed that letter, I have received many letters describing the pain caused by parents keeping this secret from their children, stating that it was greater when it was finally uncovered than it would have been had it been dealt with in a forthright manner. Read on for yet another view:

DEAR ABBY: May I offer my thoughts to "Nameless, Please," who was concerned about telling her children the real anniversary date, which had been hidden for 40 years?

Abby, their real anniversary date was the date they made a COMMITMENT to each other.

As I say in the wedding ceremonies I perform, "Marriage is an act of faith and a personal commitment, as well as a moral and physical union between two people." When that commitment is made, married life begins.

I applaud that couple for their faithfulness to each other. -- THE REV. MARILYNNE NEWMAN, LAKE FOREST, CALIF.

DEAR MARILYNNE NEWMAN: I know you are right. Your answer to that question is more profound and comforting than the one I gave. Thank you for writing.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We all know that toddlers can get into everything, but while I was baby-sitting my grandchildren, the little one did something I never would have imagined.

My son-in-law had taken my suitcase up to my room and placed it on the bed. Shortly after that, I missed my granddaughter and went looking for her. I found her in my room with all my pills strewn around her. She had unzipped the suitcase, unzipped the bag in which I keep my medicine and removed all of the caps! Fortunately, she hadn't put any of my pills in her mouth.

However, I would like to warn others about this and thought your column would be the best way to do it. -- CONCERNED GRANDPARENT, WHARTON, N.J.

DEAR CONCERNED: I'm sure your helpful reminder will be appreciated by those who carry medications while traveling, or in a handbag on a daily basis. Small children are naturally curious. Anything they shouldn't touch should be placed out of reach or in a child-proof cabinet.

DEAR ABBY: This year my husband and I have sent the enclosed poem to all of our children and their numerous offspring -- 28 at last count. We know it's difficult to select gifts for us, and frankly, we don't need anything. We want to simplify our lives by having less "stuff."

Perhaps our little verse will help other senior citizens who feel as we do. It is original, but feel free to use it if you think it's something your readers will find useful. -- LONGTIME READERS IN MISSOURI

DEAR LONGTIME READERS: Your delightful poem is well worth sharing, and I'm sure its message will be appreciated by countless people of all ages who feel as you do. Read on:

So many of you asked us (since Yuletide's drawing near)

"What do you want for Christmas? What can we give this year?"

If we say, "We want nothing!" you buy something anyway,

So here's a list of what we'd like; believe now what we say:

Pajamas for a little child, food to feed the poor.

Blankets for a shelter, and we ask but little more --

Perform good deeds and let us know,

Or volunteer your time.

These last are worth a fortune,

And they needn't cost a dime.

We have too many things now, vases, candles, tapes and clocks.

We have our fill of garments, ties, underwear and socks.

Candy is too fattening, crossword books we've more than 20.

We don't need trays or plates or cups,

And knickknacks we have plenty.

We've no walls to hang more pictures;

We have books we've not yet read;

So please take what you'd spend on us

And help the poor instead!

Just send a Christmas card to us and tell us what you've done;

We'll open them on Christmas Eve, and read them one by one.

It won't cost as much for postage as a package sent would do,

You'll need no wrapping paper, ribbons, ink or glue.

And we'll thank God you listened to what we had to say,

So we could be the instruments to help someone this way.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)