DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Wishing for Comfortable Shoes" and wondered why the mother of the bride is dictating what the bride should be wearing. This is the bride and groom's special day -- not the mother's. Mother needs to lighten up, or she not only will spoil the bride's entire day, but also everyone at the affair will notice how miserable the bride is. That's not a healthy way to start off a marriage.

I married 3 1/2 years ago. I wore a beautiful white dress with plain white sneakers, and replaced the shoelaces with blue ribbon that matched the dresses worn by my bridesmaids. And I was comfortable the entire day. -- COMFORTABLE IN DELAWARE

DEAR COMFORTABLE: I received a bushel of mail from like-minded, practical women such as you. I hope the bride-to-be sees this column and heeds what you -- and they -- have to say. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Whenever I'm invited to a bridal shower, or hear of an upcoming wedding, I not only buy the happy couple a shower gift, I also take the time to decorate some plain white lace-up sneakers with ribbons, lace, roses and bows to match the color of the bride's dress. I also enclose a little poem. It's a special and personal gift for the bride to keep forever. (It gets many ooohs and ahhhs from everyone who attends the shower.)

I am the mother of three daughters, and I'll make sure that their wedding will be what they choose, not what I choose. -- PAM T. IN DANIELSVILLE, GA.

DEAR PAM T.: You have hit upon a terrific idea for a shower gift. You must be a very talented lady. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a professional wedding photographer for more than 15 years. I have seen every kind of footwear, from cowboy boots to simulated "glass" slippers.

A few weeks ago, one of my clients came up with a clever solution to the wedding-day shoe dilemma. The bride wore traditional dress shoes for the ceremony, but before the couple left the reception, she changed into a pair of adorable white sneakers that her mother had hand-decorated with lace, sequins and beads. (She applied them using a glue gun.) The photo we took of mother and daughter with those shoes is one of their favorites. Those who noticed them at the reception thought it was a great idea.

I hope that "Wishing's" mom will loosen up. The best thing any bride can do for herself is wear comfortable shoes. -- DALLAS WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER

DEAR DALLAS: I agree. One reader told me she wore Isotoner slippers that matched her gown. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Wishing for Comfortable Shoes in Parsippany, N.J." should have been, "Elope!" A mother as selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate as she is should be left holding the high heels.

Whose wedding is it, anyway? -- ELAINE T., PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ELAINE: I think we all know the answer to that question. But don't be so hard on the mother. Almost every woman who gives birth to a daughter has a fantasy of how she'd like her daughter's wedding day to be. "Wishing's" mother is just having a little trouble letting go of her dream. I'm willing to bet that after she sees this column she'll compromise.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD JAY: Happy birthday, son. Your father and I are so very proud of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Concerned Counselor in Virginia Beach," who wrote about the problem he was having with teen-aged girls who saw no harm in "huffing" (sniffing glue from a spray can) to get high, I had to write. He asked you for names of celebrities who have died from drug overdoses, which you provided for him in abundance because, sadly, some celebrities, like some teen-agers, think nothing will ever happen to them.

Let me tell you a story about a REGULAR person who happened to be my 16-year-old brother. Twenty-nine years ago (yes, I still keep count) my brother, unbeknownst to me, was experimenting with ways to get high. He tried huffing. I was in college at the time. On March 16, four days before my 20th birthday, I got a phone call at 3 a.m. telling me that my only brother had died. I was devastated. It was the worst time in my life. I still think about it every March 16.

I grew up real quick that week. Not only did I help my dad arrange the funeral because Mom was totally unable, but a few weeks later, I came home for spring break. I opened the door of his bedroom where he had died to find that it had not been cleaned since his death. It was not a pretty sight. I called my dearest friend, who lived five hours away at the time, and told her. She was there the next morning. We dealt with cleaning up the blood he had coughed up while his lungs were hemorrhaging and no one could do anything to help. To this day, she is my dearest friend, even though we have not lived in the same city for 31 years.

I deeply regret that my brother never got to grow up, live his life, get married and have children of his own to love. I have always regretted that my children never had the chance to meet and know their wonderful Uncle Mark.

If today's teen-agers feel the need to get high, please let them know this is not the way to do it. Huffing kills! -- DEBBY BENSON, WILMETTE, ILL.

DEAR DEBBY: I offer my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved younger brother. I join you in the fervent hope that the story of his tragic, senseless death will serve as a warning to teens who mistakenly believe that "huffing" is a harmless pastime. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I had to giggle when I read the letter from the reader complaining about the Christmas gifts they had received in years past. It reminded me of a feminist joke. If you like it, feel free to print it. -- BURLESON, TEXAS, READER

DEAR READER: It's cute, and I'm sure many people will enjoy it. Read on:

THE FIRST CHRISTMAS

If on the first Christmas, the three wise men had been women, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, cleaned the stable, helped deliver the baby, made a casserole and brought PRACTICAL gifts.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter about volunteering on suicide prevention/crisis hotlines.

Suicide affects most of us at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who has considered suicide, attempted it or killed himself or herself. While it is a challenge to talk with someone about suicide, doing so opens communication in an amazing way. It is an enriching experience for both the person in crisis and the volunteer. I hope the U.S. surgeon general's recent statements on this issue will draw nationwide attention to its importance. There IS something that can be done about it -- become a volunteer! Contact your local suicide prevention/crisis hotline and find out how. -- A VOLUNTEER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR VOLUNTEER: Your letter is an important one. I'm often asked to recommend worthy causes to which people can donate time or money. I can think of no more meaningful way to fill one's extra time than by literally saving the lives of others. It takes some time and training to become a hotline volunteer; however, the emotional payoff is beyond description.

DEAR ABBY: Here's how we solved the "appropriate gift" problem for our elderly parents.

Knowing that my mother-in-law was having difficulty keeping her house cleaned (vacuuming, floor scrubbing, etc.), we decided to give them one gift that would last all year. We eliminated Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents, and instead hired someone to come into their home and clean it once a month. My husband, his sister and I pay for the service each month.

We lost my mother-in-law last year, and the day after her funeral, my father-in-law asked if we could continue the service because it was so very much appreciated.

No longer do I have to wrack my brain to buy something I'm not sure would be wanted or needed. -- ANN MANOS, GRAVETTE, ARK.

DEAR ANN: I can't think of a more practical gift. Thanks for an ingenious solution to a problem that crops up every year. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A reader asked you how to stop elderly relatives from sending useless gifts without hurting their feelings.

I would suggest that the reader tell them how much a record of their own history and personal recollections would mean to younger members of the family. These stories could be written or taped, but should always be identified as to who the person is and all the proper dates. They could also be recorded in installments and given on various gift-giving occasions. Many families would deeply appreciate such gifts. Historical societies could no doubt help the elderly with suggestions, if needed.

My mother was born in the late 1800s to pioneer parents. I am grateful that she allowed me to tape her recollections of her parents as well as her own experiences. Many children and other relatives would appreciate similar gifts. -- HARRIET FROM TAMPA

DEAR HARRIET: That's a terrific suggestion. A collection of written recollections would make a unique bound volume after a few years -- and the collection of tapes becomes a one-of-a-kind library or oral history.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)