DEAR ABBY: I recently divorced my husband of nine years because I found out he was having an affair. He actually introduced her to people that we both knew. I ended up hiring an off-duty police officer so I could get the proof (pictures). It turned out she was one of my husband's co-workers, and the affair had been going on for three years. I ended up divorcing him, but the woman's husband decided to forgive her.

My ex hates my guts because she chose to remain with her husband.

Abby, I am so ashamed. How could I not have known? We had not slept together since our daughter was born; she is 6 years old now. He blames the whole affair on me. He says I was not doing my wifely duty and that's what made him cheat. Well, I just didn't feel that close to him. He had been verbally and physically abusive prior to our daughter's birth and afterward. He was terrible to my parents and called them names. He never paid any bills nor helped me with our daughter.

To this day he hates me so much he can't stand to look at me because he has to pay child support. He has every other weekend with our daughter, and it kills him to come and pick her up. He was a sorry excuse for a husband and not much better as a father.

The problem is -- if he wanted to come back, I believe I would take him back. Why do I feel like this? Is there something wrong with me? Do I need counseling? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED

DEAR DAZED: Your husband was a master manipulator. Regardless of where he tries to lay the blame, the physical and verbal abuse you received from him was not your fault. Nor did you "make" him cheat on you -- he managed that all by himself.

One of the tactics of an abuser is blaming the victim for the terrible things he does. Unfortunately, the victim often believes her abuser when he says she "made" him act the way he did.

There is nothing "wrong" with you that can't be fixed. Counseling is the answer -- and the sooner the better. If your physician cannot refer you to a therapist, call the Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-7233, for a referral. (The TDD line for people with hearing impairments is (800) 787-3224.) Please don't wait to make the call.

DEAR ABBY: The letters in your column about people who wear too much perfume in public prompts this letter.

Some years ago, faced with an identical crisis, I discovered a fix that has stood me well in the numerous olfactory confrontations I've encountered since. When assaulted by odors I can't endure, I obtain a small wedge of lemon or lime. When rubbed under the nose, the resulting citrus aroma effectively masks the sickeningly sweet smell of the perfume. The application of the lemon slice can be done inconspicuously if one doesn't wish to embarrass the offender, or can be done blatantly if one wishes the odor-wafter to become aware of the problem he or she is causing. -- EARLE TIMBERLAKE, B.S.C., REGISTERED MASSAGE THERAPIST

DEAR EARLE: Thank you for the tip. For people who are simply offended by the odor of too much perfume, your suggestion could prove to be a godsend. For those who suffer allergic reactions to perfume, however, I still think prudence would dictate that they put as much distance between them and the offender as possible.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but keep this in mind: If you're drinking, don't drive; if you're driving, don't drink.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share something special with you. What began as a simple little experiment to give me insight into the people around me ended up giving me more than just the warm fuzzies.

I asked some of those I work with and some close friends to answer the following question with the first thing that came to mind. I asked it exactly as stated with no emphasis on any one particular word: "If you could do any one thing in the world, what would it be?" Some of the answers were amusing. My co-workers answered: "Turn invisible." "Lose 50 pounds." "Educate the world." "I'd rule the world."

My friends answered: "Feel better about myself." "Feed the world" "Become a millionaire."

I asked my boyfriend of five months at the time the same question. Without hesitation, he answered, "I would give you a working pancreas." My jaw dropped, my heart melted and my eyes filled with tears. You see, Abby, I have had type II diabetes for nearly 10 years. Thankfully, I am very well controlled and healthy, yet he knows that the daily rituals that control my life will never go away.

I think I have finally met a man with my best interest at heart. How could I not love someone with such unselfish kindness? Maybe there is hope for the world after all! -- LANA A., ATLANTA

DEAR LANA A.: You picked yourself a Georgia peach, honey. Hang onto him -- he's a keeper.

DEAR ABBY: Yet one more letter about tolerance. Can we not be great Americans and still hold onto ethnic traditions? Why do we have to be a melting pot? Why do we need to shed our backgrounds in order to be true Americans?

There are so many wonderful, beautiful and enriching traditions, and if we open ourselves to learning about them, we can only grow in our acceptance and appreciation of all people. Tolerance means the acceptance of individuals as they are, not as we necessarily want them to be.

I choose to believe that our founding fathers wanted America to be a place where all are welcome, not just those who are like us. Good citizenship does not require the shedding of our backgrounds. Good citizenship means accepting each other and working together for the betterment of us all. -- ANDELA IN LOVELAND, OHIO

DEAR ANDELA: Of course we can be great Americans and still hold onto our ethnic traditions. However, this country would be stronger if everyone who immigrates here became proficient in the English language. And while our various cultural traditions are important in defining who we are, I think it is important to define ourselves as Americans first, rather than calling ourselves "hyphen-Americans," which separates us rather than unites us as a nation. It's a matter of priorities.

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who tells visitors to remove their shoes before entering because she has a light-colored carpet.

I, for one, don't like it. What should I do in this situation? -- WONDERING IN COLORADO

DEAR WONDERING: Either walk on your hands or stay home!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Wishing for Comfortable Shoes" and wondered why the mother of the bride is dictating what the bride should be wearing. This is the bride and groom's special day -- not the mother's. Mother needs to lighten up, or she not only will spoil the bride's entire day, but also everyone at the affair will notice how miserable the bride is. That's not a healthy way to start off a marriage.

I married 3 1/2 years ago. I wore a beautiful white dress with plain white sneakers, and replaced the shoelaces with blue ribbon that matched the dresses worn by my bridesmaids. And I was comfortable the entire day. -- COMFORTABLE IN DELAWARE

DEAR COMFORTABLE: I received a bushel of mail from like-minded, practical women such as you. I hope the bride-to-be sees this column and heeds what you -- and they -- have to say. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Whenever I'm invited to a bridal shower, or hear of an upcoming wedding, I not only buy the happy couple a shower gift, I also take the time to decorate some plain white lace-up sneakers with ribbons, lace, roses and bows to match the color of the bride's dress. I also enclose a little poem. It's a special and personal gift for the bride to keep forever. (It gets many ooohs and ahhhs from everyone who attends the shower.)

I am the mother of three daughters, and I'll make sure that their wedding will be what they choose, not what I choose. -- PAM T. IN DANIELSVILLE, GA.

DEAR PAM T.: You have hit upon a terrific idea for a shower gift. You must be a very talented lady. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a professional wedding photographer for more than 15 years. I have seen every kind of footwear, from cowboy boots to simulated "glass" slippers.

A few weeks ago, one of my clients came up with a clever solution to the wedding-day shoe dilemma. The bride wore traditional dress shoes for the ceremony, but before the couple left the reception, she changed into a pair of adorable white sneakers that her mother had hand-decorated with lace, sequins and beads. (She applied them using a glue gun.) The photo we took of mother and daughter with those shoes is one of their favorites. Those who noticed them at the reception thought it was a great idea.

I hope that "Wishing's" mom will loosen up. The best thing any bride can do for herself is wear comfortable shoes. -- DALLAS WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER

DEAR DALLAS: I agree. One reader told me she wore Isotoner slippers that matched her gown. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Wishing for Comfortable Shoes in Parsippany, N.J." should have been, "Elope!" A mother as selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate as she is should be left holding the high heels.

Whose wedding is it, anyway? -- ELAINE T., PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ELAINE: I think we all know the answer to that question. But don't be so hard on the mother. Almost every woman who gives birth to a daughter has a fantasy of how she'd like her daughter's wedding day to be. "Wishing's" mother is just having a little trouble letting go of her dream. I'm willing to bet that after she sees this column she'll compromise.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD JAY: Happy birthday, son. Your father and I are so very proud of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)