DEAR ABBY: I was married three months ago and still do not live with my husband. We have been remodeling the farmhouse that he has lived in for the last three years. Before I came along, he lived in filth and clutter.

Abby, I'm beginning to lose patience. He promised the house would be habitable before we married. The only work that gets done to the house is what my mother and I do. I cannot live in a house under construction because I become claustrophobic and agitated in that kind of clutter. This is starting to have a negative effect on our marriage. Please help. -- LIVING SINGLE IN DES MOINES

DEAR LIVING SINGLE: If your fiance promised the house would be completed before your wedding, and then failed to fulfill that promise, that should have rung an alarm bell regarding his level of enthusiasm about marriage. Since after three months he is still not motivated enough to keep his promise so that you may live together as husband and wife, it's time to re-evaluate the entire situation.

Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Marriage should be a partnership, but you and your mother are doing all of the work. This man is unlikely to change. Consider consulting an attorney about an annulment before investing any more time or elbow grease. You deserve better.

DEAR ABBY: Scooters are the latest rage. Their popularity is growing. They're at the top of almost every kid's Christmas wish list.

Along with this scooter craze comes a number of safety concerns. Abby, will you help me spread the word about the do's and don'ts of safe scooter usage? -- CARLTON CALVIN, PRESIDENT, RAZOR, U.S.A.

DEAR CARLTON: Certainly. Your safety tips are important and well worth the space in my column. Read on:

1. DO use the same precautions you would when riding a bike, a skateboard or using in-line skates.

2. DO wear a helmet and elbow and kneepads.

3. DON'T ride barefoot or in sandals. Wear athletic shoes.

4. DON'T allow children under age 8 to ride a scooter.

5. DO watch the terrain; avoid bumps, water, sand and gravel.

6. DON'T be a "hot dog" and ride too fast.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of receiving a thank-you for a wedding gift and being told, "Your generous gift has been donated to our favorite charity"?

I realize once a gift is given it's the recipient's to use or dispose of as he or she wishes. However, I would have preferred to have been told beforehand that the wedding was to be a "charity fund-raiser," because my gift was chosen especially for the bride and groom. -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MIFFED: The couple who received the gift were a little too truthful. To inform someone that his or her gift wasn't worthy of keeping implied that it was useless or tasteless. A simple "Thank you for the beautiful ( ) and for your generosity" would have been much kinder than the note you received.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were thrilled when his 80-year-old parents decided to transfer ownership of their rustic family cabin to us. We have made many repairs and are responsible for its upkeep. We love it, and because we are teachers, we have the entire summer to enjoy it.

The problem is, my in-laws expect me to be the "perfect hostess" when they visit -- even if they don't let us know in advance they are coming.

I am an excellent cook, but my mother-in-law expects me to serve full meals -- meat, vegetable, salad, rolls and dessert. In addition, she expects me to put out butter knives, salad plates and linen napkins. She seems obsessed with the table setting and makes nasty remarks if I don't set the table to suit her. (She doesn't utter a peep when her daughter omits the butter knives and extra plates!)

The unannounced visits and fixation with meals have seriously damaged my relationship with my in-laws. This is not something I can discuss with them, because they are both elderly and set in their ways. I should add that the cottage has no dishwasher, so everything must be washed by hand in lake water, which we pump in.

Abby, I don't think formality should be the rule in a casual summer cottage. Sometimes a sandwich on a paper plate on the deck is just the ticket. I don't want to be a slave to the kitchen. I have serious projects to work on and have only the summer to accomplish them.

My husband supports me in this, but he knows his parents are too old to change. Even if we tried discussing it with them, my mother-in-law is hard of hearing, and they both seem to have memory problems. Any suggestions? -- PAPER CUPS ON CRYSTAL LAKE

DEAR PAPER CUPS: Since your in-laws have memory problems, make up a calendar showing the weeks you will be using the cabin. With a bright pen, circle the dates you would like them to visit. Consider posting your "lazy days" menu so there will be no surprises.

There are nice paper products on the market these days. Select the fanciest, most substantial paper plates and cups you can find, and use them when your in-laws visit. Then say to your mother-in-law, "Darling, I'll cook, but because you set such a lovely table, we'd like you to be the official table-setter, please." If she refuses, then it's time to ignore their comments, regain control, and make the cabin your own rustic hideaway.

DEAR ABBY: I love the "random acts of kindness" letters that appear in your column from time to time. Here's mine:

My husband died at work five years ago, leaving me with two teen-age daughters. It was the week before Thanksgiving.

My whole neighborhood took up a collection for us -- not just the immediate neighbors; I mean the ENTIRE neighborhood. In the ensuing weeks before Christmas, all the neighbor kids came to my home, raked the leaves, and even cleared away the dog droppings!

If that wasn't enough, we opened our front door at Christmas to find that gifts, plants, and cards with prayers had been left on our doorstep. I barely knew some of these neighbors, yet they were there for us when we needed them the most -- right down to the littlest toddler. Needless to say, I'm never moving from here. -- MARY IN SMITHTOWN, LONG ISLAND

DEAR MARY: The caring spirit of your neighbors is inspiring. However, I know the secret to having good neighbors is being one, and I suspect the outpouring of support you received was deserved.

P.S. Once your letter hits print, I'll wager the property values in Smithtown skyrocket.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are senior citizens living on a fixed income. It has become harder and harder to purchase gifts or give money (which we have done in the past) to all our beloved family members. Recently a grandson called to inform us they are expecting their first child. Instead of being happy for them, we were filled with dread, because now there will be another gift to buy!

During the year, I try to save for Christmas gifts; it's never enough. I've told my husband that we are going to have to be honest with the family. He is too embarrassed to break the news to them that we cannot give like we have in the past.

Abby, how have other senior citizens solved this problem? I lie awake nights worrying. Believe me, that's no way to live! The holidays should be a happy time, but I don't look forward to them anymore. -- WORRIED IN WELLSVILLE, OHIO

DEAR WORRIED: Yours is a problem I am asked about almost every year. One solution is to be up-front about it. One day this week, write a note to the friends and family members on your Christmas list, saying, "We are thankful for folks with whom we can be honest. We're not in a position to send Christmas gifts this year (nor do we expect any) -- but please accept our love and sincere good wishes for a happy, healthy, blessed holiday."

If this seems too drastic a measure, another solution is to give one gift that can be enjoyed by the whole family, such as a game, movie coupons, or popcorn in assorted flavors.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl with a problem. A week ago, a half-sister I had never met, and whom my dad hadn't seen in 16 years, suddenly showed up at our home. I was happy at first, but later my sister and I realized that our father paid more attention to her in one hour than he had to us in all the time since we were born.

My sister and I have tried to be a part of his life, but he has never wanted to spend time with us. He tells us we are both being selfish. If what he says is true, do we have the right to be upset? Please help. -- CONFUSED TEEN IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: Since your father hadn't seen your half-sister in 16 years, his reaction to her was understandable. Before you allow your resentment to get the better of you, allow yourself to get to know the girl. It's possible his reaction had something to do with guilt rather than preference. Take it slowly, and you might find you and your half-sister have a lot in common.

P.S. Although you say your father has been emotionally unavailable to you, he has been physically AND emotionally unavailable to her all these years. Count your blessings.

DEAR ABBY: Here's one for the "I don't believe it!" list:

We recently attended a 50th anniversary reception for some old friends. The party obviously exceeded their children's budget because, as we left, there was a gold basket and a sign at the door that read: "Please help us have a happy Thanksgiving by defraying the cost of this entertainment for you this afternoon." Can anyone top this? -- MYSTIFIED IN FORT WORTH

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Probably. But it's not going to be easy.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)