Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: You have probably heard everything, but here goes. My sister-in-law died last summer. She had been very ill for a year. My brother-in-law, "Tom," took excellent care of her, but not too long before her death, she had to be put in a nursing home. While visiting his wife there, Tom struck up a friendship with a woman I'll call "Dolly." Tom is in his 70s. Dolly is in her 80s. Dolly's husband died about the same time as my sister-in-law.

Get this: While Tom and his family were receiving friends at the funeral home, Dolly showed up and announced to one and all that she was Tom's girlfriend.

To make matters worse, at the funeral, she also told everyone at church she was Tom's girlfriend. She even sat with us in the family pews, right behind Tom.

How could anyone be so brazen as to not even wait until the spouse is buried to announce their affair?

One week later, Tom bought her an engagement ring. Two weeks after that, they eloped.

Do you think we should exclude them from our annual holiday dinner? Several family members have said they will not attend if she's there. Our family has always been very close, but this has torn us apart. How should I handle this? -- ONE FOR THE BOOKS

DEAR ONE FOR THE BOOKS: Because your family is still grieving -- and upset over Tom's swift remarriage -- consider scaling down your organized holiday events this year. You all need more time to heal.

Tom and Dolly obviously bonded while visiting their dying spouses. Please try not to judge them too harshly. They may have been lonely and vulnerable watching their spouses slip away day after day.

I agree that Dolly's timing was off. However, Tom and Dolly witnessed death firsthand. Because of their ages, they've chosen to live the rest of their lives to the fullest. Try to be happy for them and wish them well. After all, they're family.

DEAR ABBY: I have very eclectic tastes and have always prided myself on having things that are unique to me. However, I have one friend who constantly robs me of my individuality.

I have two cats -- and she acquired two cats. I got a hamster for my boyfriend -- and she got two hamsters for her husband and put them in a more elaborate cage. I bought a water dragon -- she got two and put them in a fancier tank. I bought a dragon print for my living room -- she bought three dragon prints. I am an avid gardener and mentioned that someday I would like to have a water garden. Well, guess what -- she now has a water garden. She constantly tries to outdo me. It goes on and on.

It infuriates me when our friends comment and praise her for HER style and taste. We are both in our 30s, but suddenly I feel I'm back in high school.

I don't want to be petty, but I feel like my identity is being stolen. What can I do to stop it? -- COPIED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR COPIED: Tell your friend you're turning your living room into a shrine for Elvis -- then let her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: There is a row of trees and bushes along the fence that separates my neighbor's yard from mine. Our old neighbor used to keep them trimmed and under control. Unfortunately, that neighbor moved away and another family lives next door. The branches now hang over my roof -- dropping berries and leaves that cause stains on the shingles and my new contrete patio.

I asked my new neighbor several times to please keep the branches trimmed. I even had a gardener give them an estimate. The neighbors said they could not justify spending that amount of money.

After several years of waiting -- and listening to their excuses -- I trimmed the trees and bushes back myself and deposited the trimmings on the neighbors' side of the fence. They called the police. The policeman said what I did was legal, but it would have been "more neighborly" had I disposed of the trimmings myself.

The next day I offered to remove the debris, but my angry neighbor shouted, "Don't talk to me. I'll do it myself!"

This happened seven months ago. My neighbors are still not talking to my wife and me. How do I handle this? -- MISTER CHAIN SAW

DEAR MR. C.S.: You were within your rights to cut back any branches that protruded onto your property. However, it was spiteful and childish to dump the trimmings on your neighbors' property.

Apologize again -- and this time make a peace offering. As tempting as it might be to give them long-handled pruning shears, make it a gift certificate for a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: I clipped out your "Commandments for a Mother-in-Law" as a reminder of how fortunate I am to have my daughter-in-law. You recently printed a rebuttal to these comments from "Disappointed Mother-in-Law," who was nonchalant about losing a relationship with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren.

I lost my only child, Darrin, two years ago to a brain tumor. Darrin and my daughter-in-law, Sherri, had been married only a short time before Darrin's sudden death. Although Sherri was not the person I thought my son would marry, I knew she was his choice. I respected his decision and treated Sherri as a daughter, not a daughter-in-law.

When Darrin died, I feared I had lost not only my child, but also a daughter, and any possibility of having grandchildren. However, Sherri still calls me "Mom," and we visit my son's grave several times a year. I now realize my son's "choice" was an excellent one and I have been blessed by gaining a daughter.

I feel sorry for "Disappointed." Her tragedy is worse than mine. She has lost her son, daughter-in-law, and any possibility of having a relationship with her grandchildren. -- GRATEFUL MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR GRATEFUL: You were a wise woman not to have allowed preconceived notions to get in the way of a strong relationship with your son and his wife. You're both stronger for having each other. Please accept my sympathy for your sad loss.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years. My husband never tells me I look pretty. I know some women reading your column will think, "Who cares what somebody else thinks of you?" He tells my daughter she looks pretty -- and the girls in his office -- so I know he knows how to give a compliment.

Abby, I am not overweight. I wear makeup and get my hair cut every six weeks. I am not homely. I shower twice a day.

A year ago I told my husband how I felt. Now the only time he says anything complimentary to me is when we are in bed. Too late! I need to hear encouraging words. Every woman needs to hear that she's attractive.

If you print this, maybe it will alert some nice husband out there who has been withholding to say, "Honey, you look pretty today." It'll sure go a long way with his wife. -- DESPERATE FOR A COMPLIMENT

DEAR DESPERATE: You hit the nail on the head when you described your husband's behavior as "withholding." The next step is to discover why he would deliberately withhold something from you that you told him you needed. And while you're at it, ask yourself why it took 16 years to tell your husband what you wanted from him.

I suspect there are problems in your marriage that you haven't mentioned in your letter. Perhaps when they're resolved, you'll receive the strokes you crave.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbors hung a wreath on their door with a motion sensor that plays Christmas music whenever someone comes to the door. Unfortunately, it is also activated by the wind, so that it plays endlessly, over and over, day and night on breezy days.

There should be a unique hell for people who invent those little electronic noise-making gizmos; they certainly make it difficult for folks in THIS world!

Please, Abby, ask your readers to keep such items INSIDE their homes for their own enjoyment. Then maybe the rest of us can have a "silent night." -- BAH HUMBUG IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR HUMBUG: Your suggestion seems reasonable to me. A silent night is a necessity before a constructive work day. And most of us have to work -- even during the Christmas season. Ho! Ho! Ho!

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter about automobile safety. The reader recommended that everyone should install a "back-up beeper" on their cars. The cost would be less than $50.

Abby, every automobile manufactured in the United States already has a working beeper -- it's called a horn!

When I worked for the post office, we were trained to "beep more than once" when we backed up our vehicles. I have been retired for 15 years and still automatically honk my horn every time I put my car in reverse. Everyone should try it! -- PETER IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR PETER: Several readers wrote to tell me my response to that letter left a lot to be desired. If that safety tip is good enough for the U.S. Postal Service, it's good enough for me. (Not to mention a great way to save $50!)

And while I'm on the subject, another reader pointed out that when a driver is too old and stiff to turn around and check to see if someone is standing behind the car before backing up, that person should no longer be driving.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)