Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: We have a unique problem and hope that you can help us. We are members of a quilt-making club. The quilts we make are well thought of. Once a year, we raffle off one of them, and therein lies our problem.

The man who won this year's quilt is not very well thought of. In fact, some people here consider him "scum." Nevertheless, his name was drawn, and we draw only once. The ladies were shocked. They stood there with their mouths open. Some of them said if they had known he would be the winner, they would not have worked so hard on the quilt. Others suggested that we draw again -- which, in fact, we did.

Then one club member spoke up and said it wasn't fair. The man won the quilt fair and square. Buying a raffle ticket was the only requirement involved.

I can see no way around giving that man the quilt. I believe honesty is the best policy. Can you help us to do the right thing? -- TROUBLE IN PARADISE

DEAR TROUBLE: Consider this: If you give the quilt to someone else, you will put yourselves on the same moral level as the man you have labeled as "scum." So do the honest thing -- give him the quilt and hold a good thought. Perhaps the love and care that went into crafting it will rub off on him, and he'll be better for it.

DEAR ABBY: Both my grown daughters work, and I take care of their daughters for them. Granted, I have them only a few hours a day, but I still have to feed them and give them snacks and juice.

All I ask in return is $20 for each child every two weeks to help pay for the food and beverages.

My older daughter says it's definitely worth it to her, as it would cost far more for someone else to care for her daughter. My younger daughter and her husband, however, are throwing a fit. They insist that a grandmother should never charge money to watch her own grandchild. I also watch them on weekends and barely get a thank-you.

What is your opinion, Abby? Am I ... A GRANDMA OR A DOORMAT?

DEAR GRANDMA: Twenty dollars per child for every two weeks seems reasonable to me. I'm sure you wouldn't ask your daughters to chip in if you didn't need the money. Your younger daughter is looking a gift horse in the mouth. Tell her to stop saying "nay" and pony up the money or provide her own lunches and snacks.

P.S. Your older daughter is right. Child care costs a bundle these days, and anyone who doubts it should check it out.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have this little disagreement about how to eat properly.

I eat with the fork in my left hand and my knife in my right hand. I have the fork facing downward, so I don't have to ever let go of my fork to eat. My girlfriend holds the utensil in the same hands, but she puts down her knife and switches her fork to her right hand to eat.

We saw on a Web site that both ways are correct. However, we want to have the final answer and figured you would be a good mediator. -- HUNGRY COUPLE, EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR HUNGRY COUPLE: You and your girlfriend are both eating "properly." You are doing it in the European style, and your girlfriend is doing it in the American style. You don't need a mediator. The person with the bone to pick needs to exercise a little more tolerance.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy and blessed Hanukkah!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law "Charlotte's" lifestyle is extravagant. She has an annual income of $500,000, plus "perks." She is in her 40s, divorced for 10 years, and lives in a Park Avenue condo with her live-in boyfriend. Everything Charlotte does is "first class" -- restaurants, vacations, clothing, entertainment, etc.

I earn $50,000 a year. My wife and I have a nice home with a pool. She drives a top-of-the-line car, has plenty of nice clothes, and we enjoy sailing on our small boat. I have never denied her anything.

Several times last year, my wife visited Charlotte in New York. While visiting, my wife charged things we can't afford. I suspect she's trying to keep up with Charlotte's lifestyle, which is impossible. When I point out to her that we can't afford all the expensive things she purchases, she becomes cool and annoyed with me.

Trying to keep up with her sister's lifestyle is causing a rift in our once happy marriage. We are moving apart, and I don't know what to do. I love my wife, and it hurts. -- HURT HUSBAND IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURT: If your wife's visits to her sister make her feel deprived to the point where she routinely busts the budget, you are overdue for a frank talk about it. Tell her how hurt you feel -- and give her this message from me: If you don't appreciate what you've got, you'll lose it. Perhaps it will wake her up to reality.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers it is extremely important that whenever a patient has a laboratory test, the physician or his or her office communicate the results directly to the patient -- regardless of whether the test is positive or negative. It is possible for the lab test to come back with a significant life-threatening or health-threatening finding for the patient and be accidentally misplaced or filed in a chart without the physician seeing it and the patient never learning anything until it's too late.

As recently as last week, I had a patient tell me that her family doctor told her, "No news is good news." This is absolutely the dumbest advice that can ever be given. Almost all physicians know of individuals who have died from cancer because the findings had not been communicated to the patient years earlier (at a preventative stage), or diabetic findings or dangerously high cholesterol, etc., had never been communicated to patients.

Please, Abby, urge all individuals who have lab tests to expect a call within a week or two. If they hear nothing, they MUST call the doctor's office to inquire about the results. This could save one's life. -- HAROLD J. GOLDFARB, M.D., ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR DR. GOLDFARB: This subject has been addressed in my column before, and I'm sorry it is still an ongoing problem.

Readers, "No news" ISN'T good news. No news is simply that -- no news. Always make a point of obtaining medical test results if you don't receive them from your physician. That precaution could save your life.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to your "Confidential" to "Wants to Get Rich Quick in Nevada." I agree that "the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket"; however, may I also suggest that Ireland is a good place to invest it? I have it on reliable authority that the capital there is always Dublin! -- RAY PLOETZ, MAPLE GROVE, MINN.

DEAR RAY: You may suggest it, but I suspect your "reliable authority" is full of Blarney.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 28, my girlfriend is 32. We've been dating for three months and care about each other, but there are a few issues I'm afraid spell "trouble ahead."

When we discussed our future, she told me she had requirements. She wants a one-carat emerald-cut diamond, and it will cost me between $5,000 and $7,000.

What happened to the days when a woman who loved a man would take whatever he gave her and appreciate it? When I asked her that question, she said a marriage is an investment, and the man should show his love by giving her something she really wants to prove his love for her.

She is also very attractive and has a nice figure. She wears miniskirts and is always talking to the guys who talk to her first. She flirts with them while I'm with her. She receives calls on her answering machine on a regular basis, and I'm feeling jealous, hurt and anxious about it. She says she needs attention from men. I feel that since we're dating exclusively, she should advise the guys who are calling that she's seeing someone. She does seem to be notifying them -- but the calls continue to come in. Lots of them.

I just started a new job, and it will be a long time before I can afford a ring that costs as much as the one she wants.

What are your thoughts on this, Abby? -- ON THE SPOT IN FLORIDA

DEAR ON THE SPOT: A woman who defines marriage as an investment, and insists that the man prove his love by the size of the diamond he gives her, is more focused on what she can get than she is on the man.

The number of men who have her phone number is also of concern to me. If she were in love with you, she would not constantly crave attention from other men.

I'm pleased that you just started a new job and it will take a long time for you to save up for that ring. It's imperative you learn much more about her before you invest in a lifetime commitment.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old soldier stationed with the U.S. Army in Heidelberg, Germany. I am spending my second holiday season away from home. I remember all the "little things" that make Thanksgiving and Christmas special in my family, and I get homesick realizing how much I took for granted.

I chose this life, and I am here for a great cause. I get up every day and put on my uniform and know that I am doing some good. As I get together with friends over here, I try to make the most of what I have.

Thanks, Abby, for all you do. -- A SOLDIER OVERSEAS

DEAR SOLDIER: You have a good head on your shoulders and a healthy attitude. I'm certain your letter will lift the spirits of armed forces members far from home.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)