Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: It may seem early for holiday squabbles, but they have already begun in our family. My brother, "Arlen," and his wife, "Lurline," are hosting the Christmas get-together. I took my brother aside after church last week and told him that due to the weakened economy, our business is struggling and we are barely keeping our heads above water. I said we couldn't participate in the family's annual gift exchange and he seemed to understand.

A couple of days later, my mother called and raised Cain. She said since Arlen and Lurline are hosting the party, we must go along with the gift exchange. Mom said the expense they were going to for the party -- although it is to be a potluck -- obligated us to exchange gifts with everyone. She added that my four sisters and their husbands were participating, and it would look "funny" if we didn't.

Abby, it angers me that we're being pressured to exchange gifts when our budget is already stretched to the max. Why can't Mother understand our predicament? This is turning into a sour holiday season, and I don't know if we should go in debt for gifts or not. We live in a community less than 30 minutes away from the family, so skipping the party isn't an option. What's the answer? -- DEE DEE IN COLORADO

DEAR DEE DEE: Your mother may have meant well, but she should have stayed out of it. Under no circumstances should anyone with a business that's struggling to stay above water go into debt for Christmas gifts in order to keep up appearances.

The true meaning of Christmas is the love you share for each other, not the presents. You can write a short letter to each of your siblings explaining the circumstances, telling them that you love them, but a gift is not possible this year.

However, keep in mind that there are alternatives to expensive gifts -- home-baked goodies, coupons for raking leaves or shoveling show, even an IOU for hosting a family dinner at your house sometime next year when your finances have improved.

The most important "gift" is the fact that you're all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Many families aren't that fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can reprint a letter that was previously printed in your column. It was about a child who had two grandmothers with very different interests.

At the time, our son was dating a wonderful young lady. Her mother and I had both seen your column and remarked that if our children were ever to marry, our situation would be similar.

Much to our delight, they did marry, and now they are expecting their first child. I have thought of the letter in your column many times. I would love to read it again. -- CHARLOTTE IN RICHFIELD, MINN.

DEAR CHARLOTTE: And I would love to print it again. It carries an important message. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You often hear from people who feel trapped into "competitive grandparenting," feeling they must match the in-laws gift for gift. The same sort of comparison can develop between parents and stepparents. The kids encourage it because of all the goodies they get.

I recently heard my mother deal with the issue in a wonderful way. My sister's 5-year-old was visiting my mother and asked, "Are you going to take me to the toy store? Grandma Johnson always does."

I was horrified because my parents are nowhere near as well off as the "Johnsons." But Mother didn't get defensive. She just said, "Different grandmas are good at different things. Grandma Johnson is your SHOPPING grandma, and I am your COOKING grandma." And they went into the kitchen and made brownies!

Isn't that beautiful? I don't have any grandkids yet, but I have already decided to be their "reading grandma." -- AUNTIE M IN SAN DIEGO

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a treat to myself, every two weeks for the past several years I have gone to "Natasha," a professional massage therapist. Like my hairdresser, Natasha has become not so much a business acquaintance as a friend. That's why I need your advice.

Natasha constantly talks and tries to engage me in conversation during my massage. I don't want to be rude, but I would get more out of the massage if she talked less and allowed me to relax in peace and quiet. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

The massage costs me $90 a session. The way things are now, I don't feel I'm getting my money's worth. -- TIED IN KNOTS IN TEXAS

DEAR TIED IN KNOTS: Stiffen your spine and level with your masseuse. As a paying customer, you have a right to relax and not be distracted during the session. As a professional, she should understand.

However, since you and Natasha are friends, make it clear that you and she can enjoy a lunch or dinner together for social conversation between appointments.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the very pregnant lady who couldn't get a seat on the subway brought back one of my fondest memories.

Back in the '50s when I was expecting my first child, I would wait each morning at a downtown Dallas street corner for a streetcar. It was a busy transfer point, and although my pregnancy was obvious, I could never manage to get a seat -- so I'd have to stand up most of the way.

One morning a man made a mad dash for the streetcar. When it stopped, he stood in the doorway and threw his arms across the entrance, announcing to everyone, "No one gets on until this lady gets a seat!" As you might guess, I didn't have any trouble getting one.

I had never noticed the man before, and I never saw him after that day, but that one encounter with this special person has kept me smiling for decades. I think of him as my guardian angel. -- VIRGINIA IN DALLAS

DEAR VIRGINIA: He was either your guardian angel or a blocker for a football team. Anyone who would refuse to yield a seat to a pregnant lady should be forced to walk a mile in her support hose.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the 90-year-old Missouri recycler about what she did with her old pantyhose.

A few years ago, while driving through a remote area of Arizona in an RV with my sister and her husband, one of the belts on their engine broke. We were stranded.

Fortunately for us, a truck stopped, and the driver offered to help. When we explained our dilemma, he asked, "Do either of you ladies have a pair of pantyhose?" My sister produced a pair. He promptly cut off the legs and twisted them into a rope-like band that he placed around the engine pulleys. We started the engine and drove 50 miles per hour behind our kind rescuer to the next town -- 16 miles away -- where we were able to purchase a real belt.

This goes to prove that old pantyhose have an afterlife. -- BOB STAUFFER, GIG HARBOR, WASH.

DEAR BOB: I have heard of using old pantyhose strips to tie vines to trellises, but yours is the most unusual and inventive use for pantyhose I have ever encountered. How ingenious!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, our 16-year-old daughter, "Heather," began dating "Johnny," a nice boy from a troubled home. During the three years they went together, Johnny became almost like a foster son to us. We provided emotional support he didn't get at home, and he even lived with us for a year before going to college.

Even though Heather's relationship with him ended nine years ago, we have stayed close to Johnny. He has spent every Christmas at our home.

Heather married last summer and wants to bring her new husband home for Christmas this year. (Since we live on opposite coasts, visits are infrequent.)

Our daughter has no objection to her former boyfriend's presence, but her husband refuses to come if Johnny is here -- which he has been every Christmas for the past 12 years. Heather defends her husband and has requested we disinvite Johnny.

I feel torn about what to do, Abby. On the one hand, I don't want to distance my daughter and her husband, whom we are still getting to know. On the other hand, I feel a responsibility for Johnny with whom we've grown so close. Over the years he has come to count on our love and support and considers us his "family." What in the world should I do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: It is regrettable that your daughter's husband feels threatened by this man who is such a large part of all your lives. Chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity and a controlling nature.

However, to keep peace in the family, invite Johnny to spend any holidays with you that your daughter and son-in-law cannot.

P.S. Heather should be the one to break the news to Johnny. After all, she's an adult now. It should be done soon, so he can make other plans.

DEAR ABBY: Our son came to us and said that his friend -- I'll call her Cheryl -- wanted to stay with us until she got on her feet. We agreed.

Cheryl had a job making $10 an hour, but she quit. She says she's looking for another job, but from what we see, all Cheryl does is party with her friends and go to church. Then she sleeps all day.

Our son is sleeping on the couch. Cheryl is living in his bedroom. When she comes in late she disturbs his sleep, and he has to be at work at 3:30 a.m.

Cheryl refuses to follow our house rules. Once in a while, she will sweep or do the dishes, but that's all she contributes. Her mother lives in town, but Cheryl says she can't stay with her parents. She gave our son one reason, and me a different one.

It has been two months, Abby. We would like her to move out, but she has no job. What should we do? -- HAD IT IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR HAD IT: Cheryl is not your responsibility. Give her a deadline to make other living arrangements and be out of your home -- and insist upon it! You'll be doing her -- and yourselves -- a favor. As long as you tolerate her freeloading, it will continue.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)