DEAR ABBY: I would like to utilize your column to reach adult relatives of the children who lost a parent in the terrorist attack of Sept. 11.

I lost my father when I was 9. He was killed in a fire as he repaired his semi. He was a young 32 years old, with five children. My mother was 27.

What my mother did 30 years ago was to keep the memory of my dad alive for us by saving his cologne, so we could remember his smell; his favorite jacket and winter coat, so we could wear them to keep us warm; his favorite albums and 8-track tapes, so we could hear his favorite songs that he loved to sing to us. I was also given a diary and photo album to put down my memories and mount my favorite photos. However, I was foolish. I didn't write down my memories because I thought I would always remember them. Those memories have faded, and now I search for those precious moments.

The surviving parent should have the children keep those precious memories fresh by writing a journal, or filling a scrapbook with things like a wrapper from the deceased parent's favorite candy bar, his or her favorite color, favorite food, way of comforting the children, where he or she liked to take them -- vacations as well as the park -- and articles from the local paper. When a friend or relative sends a condolence card, that person should include a memory of the child's parent, and any photos that could be included in the memory album. If there is more than one child, make separate albums for each, and ask them to draw or write those memories before they fade (all too quickly).

I did this for my siblings when I was 36 years old, so we each have a way to share with our families what their grandfather was like, and how their mother or father resembled him.

Thank you for helping me to help the children. -- KIM DUETSCH, DAUGHTER OF GEORGE H. DUETSCH

DEAR KIM: Your letter is filled with excellent suggestions. However, it's possible that the surviving parents of the Sept. 11 tragedy may be too overwhelmed with their own grief and loss to be as organized and involved as your mother was. If that's the case, assembling a memory book such as you describe would be a priceless gift of love from a close friend or relative -- and a timely one, with Christmas approaching.

DEAR ABBY: For more than 20 years, my husband and I have been giving gifts to his nephew, "Barry." Barry and his family live 1,300 miles away from us. We haven't seen any of them since Barry was 11. We rarely hear from him or his parents except on occasions when we're asked to send a gift. We have never received a thank-you from Barry, other than his endorsement on our check. Now Barry is being married.

My husband and I made a large contribution in the names of the bridal couple to a national charity we care about. We also sent a lovely card congratulating them and telling them about our gift. We hope this will honor the occasion, do some good for people in need, and stem the tide of gift requests. What do you think? -- NOT BUYING IT IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT BUYING IT: Don't count on it. If the pattern holds true, you'll be hearing from Barry or his parents every time a new child arrives and on their birthdays and graduations as well. However, revenge is sweet. By giving them the gift you did, you have guaranteed they'll be solicited by that charity and others till the end of time.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read with interest the letters about bullies. They brought back the memory of an experience I had with our class bully. He wasn't too smart and had not been promoted. Therefore, he was older and larger than the other boys in our class. He made up for lack of self-worth by bullying the other boys.

In front of our school was a steep hill. To keep students from falling down the hill, a metal fence had been installed at the top. There was a large metal pipe on top of the fence, and we often sat on the pipe as we ate our lunch.

One day, as I was sitting on the fence, the bully walked over with a big smile on his face. He said, "I'm going to shove you off that fence and watch you tumble down the hill."

Before I could say anything, he pushed me. In desperation, I grabbed him, and as I fell off the fence I pulled him with me. He hit the ground first and I landed on top of him. As we slid down the steep hill, I rode him like he was a sled. By the time we had reached the bottom of the hill, his shirt was almost torn off and he was scratched all over.

He continued to bully some of the other boys, but he never bullied me again. In fact, he tried to avoid me. -- MANSFIELD LATIMER, ROCK HILL, S.C.

DEAR MANSFIELD: The bully may have been a little slow, but on that day, he learned about the law of gravity.

DEAR ABBY: Excuse me, but did I miss something in the letter from "Cost-Conscious in San Francisco"? Why in the name of holy matrimony is he worried about the RESALE value of a diamond engagement ring? Is he planning to sell it or pawn it in the future? Does he expect to get it back in the event of a divorce? Does he think he will need the money for his retirement? What is this guy thinking? Hello?

An engagement ring is not a financial investment! It is an emotional investment in a lifetime relationship. If this guy is worrying about the cost of an engagement ring because he thinks the marriage won't last, then he should not be getting married in the first place.

Had he said he wanted to be nontraditional and choose another kind of ring, well -- OK. But in that case, he should have signed his letter, "Already Married to My Portfolio in San Francisco." -- DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER IN DALLAS

DEAR DIAMONDS: While many readers agreed with you, I think you -- and they -- are being unnecessarily hard on the guy. According to Dawn Moore, West Coast director of sales for Harry Winston Jewelers, his question is one that many men ask. Any way you cut it -- round, emerald or pear-shaped -- a diamond is a sizable investment. It's not unusual to experience some insecurity when buying something you know nothing about. Wise shoppers want to be educated so they are not taken advantage of.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. I received a thank-you note for a wedding gift, but was thanked for the wrong gift. Should I write and tell them about the mix-up? They do not live close, so I will not be seeing them. -- WONDERING IN WEST BRANCH, IOWA

DEAR WONDERING: You should definitely write -- or call -- and explain the mix-up. Believe me, you'll be doing the newlyweds a favor. If you don't, someone else will also be thanked for the wrong gift.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: First, thank you for providing years of excellent advice and comfort to the American people. I must, however, take exception to your response to "Never Been Hit Before," whose wife slugged him in the jaw while he was driving on the freeway. I am a psychotherapist. There are some important things to know about domestic violence:

The abused husband should know that the situation will escalate. The type of anger she displayed is never about the issue. This is about the release of pent-up anxiety in the abuser. The abuse will escalate because it takes more and more anger and violence to get the abuser to the physical release she needs. Think of cocaine and how the "high" keeps demanding larger and larger doses of the drug, and you get the picture. That is why we call such people "rageaholics."

The most probable reason the wife stopped going to anger management classes is that, like most abusers, she doesn't WANT to change. She has what she wants -- a victim upon whom to focus her rage in order to get release. That is why so many abusers cry and feel loving toward their victims afterward. They are not remorseful, but momentarily grateful for the short-lived end of their own terrible anxiety, most often caused by feeling insecure and out-of-control about their own lives. They will use their victims again and again when the anxiety returns.

Abuse of this sort is an addiction. The children are being emotionally harmed every time they see and hear their father abused. He should gather them up and leave, or make sure that his wife does -- without the children. Neither he nor his children are safe. What is to prevent her from driving her family into oncoming traffic next time, picking up a weapon, or in his absence abusing the children when she needs to feel in control again?

The loss of her husband, children and home might convince her to give up her addiction. Even then, however, there are no guarantees.

All we as professionals can do is attend to the safety of the rest of the family. The husband is obviously capable of making changes and must be urged to do so -- not given the job of being his wife's therapist by explaining her challenges to her. It could trigger the next outburst of violence.

Please rethink your advice to this man, Abby. He's in a dangerous spot and must get out. -- CYNTHIA MORROW, PSY.D.

DEAR DR. MORROW: Thank you for your letter, a short course, really, on why batterers do what they do. I received a stack of mail critical of the advice I gave to "Never Been Hit Before" -- and it was deserved. Mea culpa. "Never" needs to seek professional help, both legal and psychological, before his wife's outbursts further traumatize him and their children, and I hope he wastes no time in getting it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 10 and in the fifth grade. She's begging me to let her shave her legs. I know a few girls on her basketball team shave, but I think it's ridiculous for a girl her age.

I believe 10-year-old girls are supposed to have hair on their legs. My girlfriend disagrees. She says if my daughter is uncomfortable with her appearance, I should let her shave. Should I relent? -- MOTHER UNDER PRESSURE

DEAR MOTHER: I see no reason to refuse your daughter permission. Girls her age want to blend in, and if shaving her legs will help her to do that, then I vote with your girlfriend.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)