Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am knee-deep in a quandary. I have a 30-something-year-old friend who throws herself a girls-only birthday party every year.

This soiree always takes place at a nice restaurant selected by the hostess, where guests are expected to pay for their own drinks and meals. The cost usually runs from $60 to $80 per person. In addition, each guest is expected to bring the "birthday girl" a gift.

In years past, I have come up with excuses in order to get out of attending. This year I learned through the grapevine that I'm not the only one who is reluctant to go.

With the economy being what it is, I cannot justify the expenditure of attending this party. How would you suggest I go about being removed from the guest list this year (and in the future)? -- COUNT ME OUT IN SAN JOSE

DEAR COUNT ME OUT: Tell the "birthday girl" you have other plans this year. Then talk to the other guests on the list for this annual tribute and suggest that all of you get together mid-year to celebrate your collective birthdays, with the understanding that your treasured friendship should be the only gift allowed.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lenny," and I met through mutual friends back in 1988 and have been together ever since. We have a good life and two wonderful children.

My problem is that Lenny is a very jealous man. The other night, we were at a hockey game, and one of the guys I work with came over to say hello. I introduced him to Lenny and they shook hands. I could see my husband getting noticeably upset. Now he insists I'm cheating with this co-worker.

Several times within the last year, Lenny has accused me of being unfaithful. What can I do, Abby? I love my husband with all my heart and intend to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm sick and tired of being wrongly accused when I'm innocent. -- SAD AND MAD, RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR SAD AND MAD: Your husband appears to be deeply insecure with low self-esteem. His accusations are an attempt to control.

Counseling could offer the breakthrough you need, but unless Lenny is willing to admit HE'S the one with the problem, don't count on it.

DEAR ABBY: A 12-year-old boy wrote that he told his cousin he was going to commit suicide. The cousin broke his confidence and told an adult, who acted upon the information. All turned out well for the boy, who later thanked his cousin for saving his life.

As a police officer, I want to remind everyone -- especially kids -- that there are certain situations when you MUST break confidences and tell a friend or relative. Too many times we learn too late that someone knew another person was going to commit suicide or harm another, and the person who knew didn't tell anyone so the tragedy could be prevented. Many times they spend the rest of their lives experiencing unbearable guilt for not telling.

We must ask ourselves: Will someone or something be seriously harmed if I DON'T report this information? Is this a secret I can keep because it will cause no harm to anyone? -- OFFICER JAMES, FOLSOM, CALIF.

DEAR OFFICER JAMES: I agree. It's far more important to make a mature decision and save a life than to keep a dangerous secret.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother is divorced and currently dating "Scott," a golf pro. He lives with another woman I'll call Alice. When Scott and my mother met in a bar a year ago, he was honest about the fact he was living with someone. Alice is the woman Scott left his wife for. They moved here together from another state. However, he told my mother his relationship with Alice was essentially over and he was waiting for the "right time" to leave.

According to Scott, he owns no furniture or household appliances, and the truck he drives is in Alice's name. He says if he had any assets his ex-wife would claim them. He's not even listed in our local phone book.

My sisters and I see red flags and have warned Mother. She ordered us to stay out of her life. Mother believes if she holds out long enough, Scott will leave Alice and come running to her. She believes everything he says.

This has caused a huge rift in our family. I know Mother doesn't want to be alone, but her desperate attempts to turn this "romance" into something lasting frighten me. She did give Scott an ultimatum about leaving Alice, which he did briefly, and then returned to her -- but Mother continues to see him.

I don't understand why Mother isn't angry and has so little pride and self-respect. It has taken all my strength not to call Alice and tell her what is going on. Scott is taking advantage of TWO women.

Abby, am I way off base, or does this situation have all the makings of a disaster? -- LOVE IS BLIND AND STUPID IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR LOVE IS BLIND: Your mother knows the risk she is taking. She is after a swinger with a serious "handicap." Sadly, even if she wins, she's going to wind up with a loser.

Please try not to judge her harshly. If you can, involve her in activities where she might meet someone eligible who shares her interests. Then cross your fingers and pray.

DEAR ABBY: I am married. I love my husband, but I kissed another man. I feel awful about this. It was crazy, but I enjoyed the momentary escape from reality. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- FEELING GUILTY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: What you did was impulsive, foolish and risky, and sent the wrong message to the man involved. Before it happens again -- and you feel even worse -- please schedule some sessions with a counselor to find out what made you vulnerable to this indiscretion.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are looking forward to entertaining in our home. Neither of us drinks alcohol, and we prefer not to have any in our home. Can you help us with an appropriate way to communicate that to our guests? -- T. TOTALLER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR T.: Actions speak louder than words. An appropriate way to get your message across is simply to serve a variety of tasty, non-alcoholic beverages at your gatherings.

If one of your guests mentions it, don't hesitate to tell that person exactly what you have told me. In your home, you make the rules.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Would you please reprint the letter from Sister H.P.M. of St. Paul, Minn.? In a nation of so much unrest since Sept. 11, and the tragedies of the school shootings in the recent past, now is the time for America's teachers to take action. Sometimes one small gesture of caring is enough to let people know they are appreciated and important. -- FAITHFUL READER, MONROE, MICH.

DEAR READER: Thank you for requesting that inspirational letter. I'm pleased to run it again:

DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other.

I was young, teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students in the room to take out two sheets of paper and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.

That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"

The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.

Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.

The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine.

After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said another. "I bet we all saved them," said someone else. "I carry mine with me at all times."

That's when I finally cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)