Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Throughout the year, my husband and I host parties in our home for his office staff. Invariably, we get several "maybes" in response to the RSVP on our invitations. To prepare for these parties, I must shop for food and beverages, spend time in the kitchen cooking, clean my home from top to bottom and arrange for a baby sitter.

"Maybe" is not a suitable answer! When an RSVP is requested, invitees should respond promptly, arrive on time, leave at a decent hour and follow up with a thank-you note -- or at least call their hosts.

Abby, are you with me on this, or am I expecting too much? The inconsideration of some people baffles me. -- TICKED OFF IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TICKED OFF: I'm with you. To respond to an invitation with "maybe" is extremely rude. It translates as, "I'll come if I have nothing better to do."

The next time you receive a "maybe" in response to an invitation, reply, "I'll take that as a 'no' -- unless I hear otherwise 48 hours before the event."

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "At the End of My Rope," whose 76-year-old grandmother ignores advice about her health.

First, I would recommend that she call Grandma's primary care physician to make sure he or she is aware of the family's concerns and of all her medications. Second, one of the children should go with her on the next medical visit to hear what the doctor has to say. (Having another set of ears at a doctor's visit is a real benefit.)

Third, is there a specialist in geriatrics in the area? Perhaps Grandma needs an evaluation to see if there is something else wrong or if the medicines are interacting in a negative way. Fourth, there are medication boxes available to help people manage their dosage. Fifth, all of her medications should be written down and posted on the refrigerator with the times they are to be taken.

Changing a person's eating habits may be difficult, but medicine is a different story. Many people go to a number of doctors and do not tell each doctor what they are taking. Drug interaction can be a real problem. Also, the grandchild should talk to a counselor to reduce her feelings of guilt. -- BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for your informative letter. I'm sure it will be helpful to many readers who find themselves in similar circumstances.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl with a big problem. There's a popular girl in my class who tells me that everything I like is evil, and that I shouldn't like this or that because when I die I will go to hell.

She thinks liking rock stars, reading fantasy books and watching "The Osbournes" on MTV is sinful.

She goes on and on about what the Bible says, and that the music, books and people I like are all evil. I respect what she likes, and I think she should respect what I like, too. What do you think, Abby? -- "PUT DOWN" IN OREGON

DEAR "PUT DOWN": I agree with you. You may be only 12, but there's wisdom between your ears.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Will Operation Dear Abby be accepting cards and letters this year? I am hoping to use it as a service project for my church youth group. Writing holiday messages to our servicemen and women is one of the best gifts that anyone -- any age -- can give this year. Thanks, Abby. -- ALLISON NAHR, ARLINGTON, VA.

DEAR ALLISON: Your question is a timely one because the following letter just arrived from the Department of Defense. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For more than 17 years, you have brought good will and cheer to members of the armed forces through your column. During the holiday season, you solicited patriotic Americans to send cards and letters to servicemembers stationed away from home and families. Your Operation Dear Abby program brought support and comfort to thousands of troops posted overseas, embarked upon ships or on operational deployments far from home.

Unfortunately, as world events have shown, those who would do harm to Americans and their guardians will exploit any opportunity. The mail-related attacks of last year demonstrated the vulnerability of the postal system for use in terror-related actions. Although "Any Servicemember" card and letter programs such as Operation Dear Abby were established to boost morale, they also allow for the introduction of mail into the military postal system from unknown sources, creating a threat to the very forces the program supported.

Upon consultation with all branches of the armed services, Any Servicemember programs, including your own, were suspended indefinitely in October 2001. This suspension is still in effect.

HOWEVER: Please inform your readers that due to the overwhelming popularity of such morale-boosting programs, and in cooperation with the Department of Defense, your Internet alternative, www.OperationDearAbby.net, will continue to allow patriotic Americans to send messages of support to military members via e-mail.

Your Web site is safe, secure and accessible for all members of the armed forces deployed worldwide. -- EDWARD A. PARDINI, DEPUTY DIRECTOR, MILITARY POSTAL SERVICE AGENCY, DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE

So, Allison, as you can see, although it is still not possible to send cards and letters through Operation Dear Abby using the postal system, a faster and easier alternative is available on the Internet, OperationDearAbby.net, and I'm sure your church youth group will enjoy it.

And for the rest of my Dear Readers, if there is a message in your hearts you would like to convey to our heroic servicemen and women stationed worldwide during this holiday season, now's the time! All your good wishes will be relayed by the Department of Defense to our troops via www.OperationDearAbby.net, a secure military site that serves all branches of the armed forces year-round.

Christmas and New Year's are just around the corner. So, fire up those computers, type in www.OperationDearAbby.net and show our troops how much we support them. If you're not computer-literate, ask a computer-savvy friend to help you send a message. This year, it's more important than ever to show these brave young men and women in the military that they're remembered -- and appreciated -- by the folks back home.

Happy holidays, everyone! -- Love, DEAR ABBY, a.k.a. Jeanne Phillips

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old widow. My husband died two years ago. We were married 40 wonderful years. Determined not to fall into depression, I arranged my finances so that my future is secure. If anything should happen to me, my four sons will not be unduly burdened.

During my late husband's long hospitalization, a friend of more than 27 years, "Norman," made it his mission to keep my spirits up. Four months after the funeral, he insisted I get out of the house and go with him to the movies, the beach, for a drive, etc. I have always been comfortable with Norm. He is caring, concerned, affectionate and active in our church and community.

This past year, we have gone on trips together, and he never fails to make me laugh. Norm is financially secure, and we have no plans to live together or marry. I've made that clear to my sons. However, they are very upset that I'm seeing him!

They have informed me that they are not comfortable with including Norman in holiday and family affairs or vacations we take together. They have known this man since they were kids, and he has done nothing to account for their attitude. Norm's children have no such qualms and have extended me an open invitation to their homes.

I have never made any of my sons' friends, girlfriends, lovers or wives unwelcome in my home -- whether I liked them or not. My sons' "significant others" were always included on vacations.

More and more, I am angry that Norm is not welcome at family gatherings. I don't want to cause a scene or estrange my children, but I will not exclude someone I care about.

What should I do, Abby? Christmas is just around the corner, and Norm is not invited. As much as I want to be with my sons and their families, I am tempted to stay home. -- NO NAME PLEASE IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR NO NAME PLEASE: Why stay home? Spend the holidays with Norm's family. In time, your sons will get the message that excluding Norm is driving you away.

Life is for the living, and you have every right to be happy.

DEAR ABBY: I was 8 years old and it was the last day of school. I was living in a less-than-caring foster home and worried about the 50 cents I owed my school for several lost books. Unless I paid for the books, I would not get my fourth-grade report card.

When I heard that news, I left school crying and running, and didn't see the tall man until I ran straight into his legs. He asked me what was the matter, and I told him about the 50 cents. He reached into his pocket, took out two quarters, and in a kind voice said, "Things will be all right now."

Overjoyed to have the money, I paid for the books, got my report card, and shortly thereafter, my mother was able to take me back to live with her.

The year was 1942; the world was at war. Our state of Florida was still in a depression, and that 50 cents was a lot of money in those days.

Abby, to this day, every act of generosity I perform -- every dime I give to a cause -- is in honor of that man. I don't remember his face. I only recall his brown shoes, which I saw first when I ran into him. His kindness to a crying child made all the difference in my life. -- MARILYN IRLBACHER, NASHUA, N.H.

DEAR MARILYN: Your letter is a relevant one for this season of giving. He who takes care of the least of us invests in the best of us.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)