DEAR ABBY: I am a general surgeon. When people learn my occupation, I am frequently peppered with questions regarding general health matters.

At a recent dinner party, the hostess interrupted my conversation with other guests three different times to ask my opinion about trivial health concerns. Twice she dragged her young daughter over for me to examine in front of other guests -- first, for a minor bump to the child's leg (which left no mark), and again to show me a nearly healed scratch on the child's arm.

The last straw was when she halted conversation at the dinner table to announce that she had a "scratchy feeling" in her chest, and would I go to the car for my stethoscope in order to listen to her lungs?

How can I extract myself from these situations without giving the impression that I'm callous to naive onlookers? -- HARASSED M.D. IN DES MOINES

DEAR HARASSED M.D.: I'll give you the same advice I gave to the computer expert who was also continually bombarded for free advice: Assume a serious expression and say, "Hmmm. You know, that COULD be something serious. You should make an appointment with (your internist, your pediatrician, etc.) and have it checked out where there's all the latest equipment needed to do a thorough assessment."

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and have been fighting with my mom. You might think "typical teenage problem," but it's not like that. Mom has a bad temper, and I inherited it. The difference is I've learned to control it and she hasn't.

When Mom gets mad at someone, she's not shy about dishing out stern words -- and if she gets really upset, she'll take it out on me for the next couple of days. Not only does she criticize, but she yells, curses and sometimes hits me.

Mom helps out at school, and when she overhears my friends joking around about what a loudmouth I am, she gets upset. When we're home she'll say stuff like, "Your classmates were insulting me by insulting you."

Other times, however, she can be super nice. After a yelling match, she usually puts herself down by telling me what a loser she is -- and then apologizing profusely. But a week later she's at it again. Abby, what's up with my mom? -- CONFUSED IN MUNSTER, IND.

DEAR CONFUSED: She may be overwhelmed or have emotional problems that should be evaluated by a doctor. You have described a classic cycle of abuse.

If you have a trusted adult in whom you can confide -- a relative, school counselor or family friend -- who could talk to your mother and suggest she get professional help, it would carry more weight than if you approached her yourself. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago I married a widow with two adult daughters. I was divorced with two adult daughters of my own. Now there are two weddings in the works -- one for my daughter and the other for my stepdaughter.

My wife thinks we should contribute substantially more to her daughter's wedding because mine has "more family" behind her. I say our financial assistance should be the same for both. Do you think I am being unreasonable? -- FATHER OF THE BRIDES IN MONTANA

DEAR FATHER: No, I do not. Unless you give equally you will be accused of favoritism, and it will cause resentment that could outlive you.

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DEAR ABBY: Before we know it, Christmas will be upon us, and my oldest child will again be asking me if there really is a Santa Claus. With all the traumatic events happening in our world today, I do not want to take anything away from him -- and yet I realize he needs to know the truth.

A few years ago, there was a beautiful letter in your column from a mother who had a wonderful way of telling her child the truth about Santa without causing any damage or making the child feel let down. I am truly at a loss as to how to tell my little one the truth in a loving manner. Thank you, Abby. -- MOM IN CRYSTAL LAKE, ILL.

DEAR MOM: The piece, "Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus," is a classic. It was written in 1897 by Francis P. Church, the editor of the now-defunct New York Sun. He wrote it in response to this letter:

"Dear Editor: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in the Sun, it's so.' Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus?" -- Virginia O'Hanlon

"Dear Virginia: Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little.

"In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias.

"There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

"Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus.

"The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in this world.

"You tear apart the baby's rattle to see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart.

"Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

"No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

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DEAR ABBY: I work with a pleasant woman, "Kim," who appears to be distracted by my figure. Kim keeps making comments and staring at my large breasts. It makes me very uncomfortable. I've tried to ignore her and have told her that her comments bother me.

Kim has now started trying to see me outside the office, asking me out for lunches and dinners. I've always made an excuse. Last Friday when I was assigned the responsibility of picking out a gift basket for a co-worker who is retiring, Kim volunteered to go shopping with me over the weekend. I simply never called her, and on Monday explained that my weekend was busy. She acted very hurt, but I couldn't think of a more diplomatic way to handle it.

Spending time with someone who cannot stop staring at my chest does not appeal to me. It gives me the creeps. How can I tell Kim she's making me uneasy without causing problems? I have to work with her. -- BUSTY IN TOLEDO

DEAR BUSTY: Tell her once again that her staring and comments are not appreciated -- and if it doesn't stop, you will have to tell your boss or Human Resources about the problem. There is no reason why you should have to tolerate it, or see anyone outside the workplace unless you wish to.

DEAR ABBY: A friend (I'll call her Tanisha) asked me to be matron of honor at her wedding. The event was supposed to take place next month. Even though the thought of flying to a wedding in the middle of winter was not appealing, I did agree to it.

Due to personal circumstances, Tanisha pushed back the date of her wedding to next June. When she notified me, I told her I could not commit to being there. I am expecting a baby in April and don't want to travel so far with an infant. Tanisha has also changed the location of her wedding, so flying is no longer the best option, and the only way to get there is a two-day drive.

She said she understood, but still talks about the wedding as if I'm an integral part of it. For example, she recently informed me she'll be sending me swatches so that I can buy my dress. How do I explain to Tanisha that I cannot be in her wedding? She is a somewhat volatile person, and I'm afraid she'll be very upset and hurt. -- STUCK IN ST. LOUIS, MO.

DEAR STUCK: Your reasons for bowing out make good sense to me, and beating around the bush because you're afraid she'll throw a tantrum is not the best course of action. Tell Tanisha immediately, in plain English, that because you will be caring for an infant, you will be unable to be matron of honor. That way, she will be able to find a replacement ASAP.

DEAR ABBY: I'm almost 32 years old. My life is going nowhere, with two divorces and no kids; the only education I have is a G.E.D.

I'm back on my own again, and I feel like a failure. I've wasted so much time. I have no career to sustain me. By nature, I'm a jack-of-all-trades, but I struggle to master only one. I have little or no family support. I feel that life is getting harder for me to deal with.

Is it time for me to seek therapy? -- JACK

DEAR JACK: I believe you already know the answer to that question. I commend you for making such an insightful assessment of your situation. It's the first step toward a positive change. Now ... make that phone call!

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