DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve I'd like to educate people about. As an amateur gardener, I take great pride in my garden. However, when friends and relatives come over to visit, they sometimes start "pulling weeds." Please understand, my garden is a NATURAL garden. Therefore, what may appear as "weeds" to others are my "flowers."

Because of a stroke I suffered, I must use a cane. I know these folks think they're helping me by pulling weeds, but in reality they're destroying all my hard work. What can I say to them, Abby? -- WATCHING MY GARDEN GROW IN TULSA

DEAR WATCHING: How about "Stop!" And since your "helpful" friends and relatives are ignorant about ecological gardens, post small signs in your yard identifying the various kinds of plants on display. That way, it will be obvious, even to the well-meaning but unenlightened, that they are not "weeds."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old single mother who once enjoyed a beautiful life. Everything changed this past year when my husband -- the father of my then-unborn child -- died suddenly.

After his death, I suffered severe emotional pain and did not wish to go on living. However, I knew I must -- for the sake of our baby.

Here's where it gets complicated: I recently met a young man and have fallen in love. Abby, please understand that I still love my late husband with all my heart. I cry for him every day and miss him terribly. I even talk to him late at night while I'm holding our child. But I can't help loving the new man in my life, too. The love and understanding he offers me is wonderful. Please help me know what I should do. -- TORN IN DALLAS

P.S. Also, what should I do when it is time to teach my child what to call the new love of Mommy's life?

DEAR TORN: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. Let me offer a word of caution. You suffered a great loss when your husband died, and he died at a time when you were particularly vulnerable.

Since you still "cry for him every day and talk to him every night," do not rush into another relationship until you have gotten grief counseling (your doctor or clergyperson can refer you). What your child should call your new love will evolve naturally.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. When I was only 18 months old, I lost my mom. She was killed in a motorcycle accident. My father isn't around, so I live with my grandparents. They don't want me to see my dad, but I wouldn't mind seeing him once in a while.

Grandma and Grandpa say my dad's a bad guy -- but he's still my dad and I love him.

Do you have any suggestions about what I should do, Abby? Should I wait until I'm older to understand this better, or what? -- NEEDING GUIDANCE IN INDIANA

DEAR NEEDING: At 14, you are old enough to learn the truth about your father. If you cannot make your grandparents understand that, perhaps another adult could intercede on your behalf.

Dad may not turn out to be the person you would hope -- but you're not a little girl anymore, and you have the right to find out if he's worthy of your love.

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DEAR ABBY: I was always taught that when a meal is served "family style," the food is passed to the right. However, I have been unable to find that statement in print.

Since I don't have Internet access, what books on table manners should I check? I've examined several at the library, but have been unable to find an answer.

Thanks, Abby. My family and I enjoy your column. -- ROSY JOHNSON, BREMERTON, WASH.

DEAR ROSY: I had to check a number of etiquette books to find your answer -- and to my surprise, the subject of eating "family style" was included in only one of them: "The New Emily Post's Etiquette."

She writes: "Often 'family style' means the host or hostess serves the meat, and the other dishes are passed around with each diner helping himself. These dishes are passed counterclockwise. Men do not offer the dish to the women on their right first, but help themselves when the dish reaches them. They may then, if they wish, hold the dish while the woman next to them serves herself."

I hope this is helpful.

DEAR ABBY: For 3 1/2 months, I have been going once a week to a sex therapist who has been trying to help me work out my physical and emotional sex problems.

Lately, my husband, "Danny," has grown suspicious about my whereabouts. Danny believes I am romantically involved with an intern I have been training at the office. I do not wish to reveal to him my true whereabouts because I am afraid it may affect his self-esteem and, in turn, our sex life.

Should I tell my husband the truth and risk him feeling inadequate, or not tell him and jeopardize our relationship? -- SEXLESS IN SEATTLE

DEAR SEATTLE: You should absolutely tell your husband the truth about where you have been going, and why. He needs to know the truth, because he needs to be part of the solution to the problem. (Explain to him that this isn't his "fault.")

Frankly, I am surprised that you would be seeing a sex therapist as an individual because this is a COUPLE's problem, and the most common form of treatment for it is to help the husband and wife together.

DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old nephew, "Ralphie," gets up at 6:00 every morning. I have two children, a 4-year-old girl and a 15-month-old boy. We are not early risers.

When Ralphie sleeps over, it's usually because his parents are working and there's no school the next day, and they need someone to watch him. When he gets up, he usually wakes up my daughter, and they play loudly in her room.

How should I handle this? I don't want to be a mean aunt, and I don't want to refuse my sister and brother-in-law when they need a favor. -- SLEEPLESS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SLEEPLESS: At 8 years old, your nephew is old enough to understand that you need quiet in your house until a certain hour. Explain that your family is on a different schedule. Put out cereal for him to eat if he is hungry when he awakens in the morning, and be sure he brings a book or a game he can amuse himself with until the day starts with your family. Make it clear that you do not want your daughter disturbed, nor do you want to be awakened before a designated hour -- unless there is an emergency. As long as he is not hungry or bored, I'm sure your nephew will cooperate.

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DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Feeling Used in Cleveland," who resents her husband's little boy being dumped off by his mother every time she needs a free baby sitter. Your answer was good but not harsh enough.

"Feeling Used" knew the man she married had a child. What makes her think that that little 8-year-old is any less deserving of his father's love, time and attention than the two children she and her husband brought into the world?

She complained about the ex-wife dropping off the boy when he's sick. Instead of complaining, she should give him the TLC he deserves. That child has to watch his dad live with and raise two other kids while he gets shuffled back and forth -- and his STEPMOTHER is resentful? Boy, does she have it backward.

I am a married mother of four, and wish all prospective stepparents would reach down deep to see if they have what it takes. There are many wonderful stepparents out there, but "Feeling Used" has a lot of work to do straightening out her priorities. Sign me ... SICK OF SELFISH STEPPARENTS

DEAR S.S.S.: I agree that the woman needs a quick attitude adjustment. When two people with children marry, there should no longer be "his," "hers" or "mine." Only OURS. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mother has a stepgrandson who is her responsibility nearly every weekend. "Sean" was left for my mother to care for three weeks after his birth, while his parents took off to join the circus.

While Mom has her share of trials with Sean, she is the only stable and constant element in his life. Instead of bemoaning the situation, she dutifully picked up where Sean's mother and father left off -- and is the most important influence in his life.

I implore "Feeling Used" to dwell less on herself and her needs and to concentrate on caring for her 8-year-old stepson. I guarantee the result -- and the feeling she'll enjoy -- will more than compensate for her time. -- MATTHEW IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MATTHEW: I admire your mother's love, commitment and wellspring of energy. Today millions of grandparents are raising their grandchildren -- with all of the challenges and rewards that go with it. For those who find it overwhelming, the AARP Grandparent Information Center offers information and referral to local support groups for grandparent caregivers through its national database. To contact the center, write to: AARP Grandparent Information Center, 601 E Street NW, Washington, DC 20049. Call (800) 424-3410; the Web site is www.aarp.org/grandparents.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the resentful stepmom was right on. At the age of 8, I was the resented stepchild, and didn't know why.

When I became a stepmother and was used as the dumping ground by my husband's ex, I received some excellent advice from a close friend: "Forget the reasons why the child is there, just know he needs you. Change your attitude, because you are what you think, and your actions will show it -- good or bad."

Twenty years later, my stepson handed me his newborn and whispered, "I love you for loving me like your own. Here's your grandson, Mom." I sent up a prayer of thanks for her excellent advice, because love is thicker than blood. -- THE LUCKY ONE

DEAR LUCKY ONE: Regardless of your biological relationship to your stepson, you were the parent who counted the most. It is the job of parents -- regardless of blood ties -- to nurture and protect the children given into their keeping.

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