DEAR ABBY: I am writing this for those female readers who wish the men in their lives would share their feelings with them. What I have to say to them is this: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

My husband shares all his feelings and thoughts (mostly negative ones) with me all the time. Every night I am forced to sit for hours listening to him verbalize his thoughts and feelings. He has no time to do yard work or household repairs because he's either too busy thinking and feeling or verbalizing his endless criticisms.

He does hold down a steady (sedentary) job, and some of the ways he gets in touch with his feelings -- through music and poetry -- are positive. However, when I was in a car accident last year and should have been resting and recuperating, my husband "didn't have time" to help with housework because his piano had to be played and his novels had to be read.

When we were first married, we moved to a small rural town hundreds of miles away from our friends and families. It has been hard to make friends in this closed community. Once every few years a family member or friend is willing to come and visit us, but my husband almost always finds a way to alienate our visitors. He will start arguments, tell them what he didn't like about the Christmas presents they gave us, complain about how much money we spend on food while they're at our house, etc.

I'm afraid that soon I'm going to have no one left. I've talked to my husband about this several times, but he doesn't see it as a problem. Help! -- TALKED TO DEATH IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TALKED TO DEATH: I am all for sharing thoughts and feelings, but the person you have described is one who is self-obsessed, verbally abusive, and thinks no one's feelings are as important as his own.

By "sharing his thoughts and feelings," your husband is chipping away at your self-esteem and isolating you from friends and family. It's important that you give this some thought and not allow yourself to be his scapegoat. Also, I hope you have a job outside the home, because it may be your only way to have meaningful contact with others.

DEAR ABBY: I bought my wedding dress two months ago. I showed a picture of it to my sister-in-law who is being married a few weeks before me. Yesterday she went out and purchased the exact same dress. Although she is having a small wedding, my fiance and I are still very upset. She and her fiance insist we are being selfish and inconsiderate of their feelings. Do you think we are wrong to be angry? -- P.O. IN N.J.

DEAR P.O.: No, I do not. You are entitled to your feelings. That said, there is still time for you to return to the shop where you purchased your bridal gown and discuss how to individualize your attire for the wedding. (Consider a different headpiece and veil, adding or deleting gloves or other accessories, adding or subtracting a train.)

And remember, although imitation may be irritating, it's also the sincerest form of flattery. Your sister-in-law is "family," so pleased don't let this cause a permanent rift. And in the future, don't show her any more pictures.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing not for advice, but to help others in a situation that I recently encountered.

I have a dear friend I'll call "Kent" who has muscular dystrophy. Kent is 95 percent paralyzed, but mentally he is one of the most intelligent, mature, open-minded, wonderful people I have ever met. At age 40, he is confined to his parents' home, to his bed and to a ventilator. Kent lives every day knowing that his next breath could be his last.

Kent has never had a girlfriend nor any sexual experiences, although he has all the normal sexual feelings and desires that any able-bodied man would have. For the past four years, Kent has asked me to arrange a sexual experience for him. He called and asked again recently, so I agreed.

I contacted an escort service and before I could finish two sentences, the manager said, "Don't worry about it. We've got it covered -- and we'll do it for free." The encounter went very well. The woman had a medical background and was not shocked by his disability or life-support devices.

When Kent's religious parents found out (they were not at home at the time), I was banned from their house, from contacting him, and his phone book suddenly "disappeared." I regret that I may have lost a dear friend, but I am more saddened to realize that a 40-year-old man can be held captive in his room by his disabled body and by his parents' morals and values as though he were a 13-year-old adolescent.

Abby, there must be many "invisible" people with disabilities that we never see because they are trapped inside. I hope this letter will open the lines of communication in some homes, and also make people understand the normal, natural needs of these individuals. -- VIC IN GRAHAM, N.C.

DEAR VIC: So do I, because the situation you describe is tragic. Too often, assumptions that have nothing to do with reality are made about people with disabilities. One of these is that people with disabilities do not have sexual feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Healthy relationships help a person build self-esteem. They should be encouraged because they are an important part of a person's development. It is wrong for a person in control to project his or her own moral values on another adult who is dependent. For parents to confine an adult child, to prevent that person from having relationships, and to discourage that person from living life as fully as possible is to me both cruel and ignorant.

I would only hope that someone in your community who understands this could intercede and explain to Kent's parents that there is room for nontraditional relationships in cases like this one.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 21 and am engaged to be married in May. My fiance and I have been together all through college, but I have been feeling hostile toward him for the last couple of months. I get mad for the stupidest things and don't know why. Lately I've been feeling I want to go out and "experience life." Should I call off the wedding? -- OVERWHELMED WITH CONFUSION IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You are overdue for a frank talk with your fiance. You may be experiencing pre-wedding jitters or are feeling trapped. Whether the wedding should be postponed or called off is up to the two of you to decide. You both would benefit from premarital counseling.

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DEAR ABBY: Almost two years ago, I placed my beautiful baby boy for adoption. His name is William. A wonderful couple adopted him. As difficult as it was for me, I knew I was doing the right thing.

My fiance's family knows nothing about William. I want to tell them, but my fiance doesn't want me to, so I've kept quiet. This has bothered me for two years, and I carry a lot of unhappiness inside because of it.

I am considering telling my fiance's family without him present, but I'm afraid I could lose him over this. Should I allow this situation to go on and wait for my fiance to tell his family, or should I be honest with them about William? Please give me your opinion, Abby. -- BARBIE IN TEXAS

DEAR BARBIE: I admire you for wanting to level with your fiance's family. It's the right thing to do because "secrets" like yours have a way of coming to light eventually.

However, I strongly feel that you should not tell his family unless your fiance is beside you. It is important he make it clear to them that regardless of their reaction to the news, he loves you and you are the person with whom he intends to spend the rest of his life.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a large family. Because there hasn't been a family reunion for more than 15 years, I thought it was time. I contacted all my aunts, uncles and cousins and asked them to provide me with names and addresses of their children and grandchildren so I could send invitations.

After receiving the information, I sent everyone letters announcing the place and time of the reunion -- and asked them to donate $25 per family to cover the cost of food, beverages, paper goods, table rental, etc. Several of my relatives found this extremely offensive and said if they had to pay to attend a family reunion, they weren't coming!

Abby, do you think I was wrong to ask for some financial help? -- NOT WEALTHY IN TEXAS

DEAR NOT WEALTHY: No, I do not. Perhaps this is one of the reasons it has been 15 years since the family gathered. Considering the cost involved, the amount you requested was not excessive. I hope you held the reunion without the complainers and that it was a success.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what's wrong with me. I am an 18-year-old girl, and I date only older guys who either have a girlfriend or are engaged. It's like I can't be happy with anyone single or available.

Sometimes I have even dated my friends' boyfriends behind their backs. I'm afraid in the future this will all catch up with me. I don't want to act like this anymore, Abby. I really don't. Please help. -- "SALLY" IN CINCINNATI

DEAR "SALLY": It is an intelligent person who recognizes she (or he) is engaging in self-defeating behavior -- and this certainly qualifies. I don't know if you have a fear of commitment or whether "poaching" gives you a feeling of power. Whatever your motivation, some counseling to get to the bottom of it would be very helpful. Unless you're willing to examine your behavior, the pattern will continue.

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