DEAR ABBY: Last week, my 6-year-old daughter went to play at a classmate's house for the first time. When she came home, she told me that she and her little friend had seen a naughty video. Then she gave me a description of a couple engaged in an explicit sex act!

When I questioned her further, I was relieved to learn that she hadn't actually watched the video -- she had seen a picture on a video cover that had been left lying around. Even so, I was horrified because I felt a part of my child's innocence had been stolen. I deeply regret that I allowed her to go to her friend's home.

Now I don't know if I should confront the mother. I value our friendship and would not want to alienate her. My husband says to let it go and not allow our daughter to visit that friend's house anymore. They can play here instead. However, I feel strongly that the mother should know about the incident. What do you think, Abby? -- CONCERNED PARENT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED PARENT: Both girls are far too young to be exposed to adult entertainment. I agree with your husband that your daughter should not play at the friend's house. However, the mother should know what happened -- so tell her, woman to woman.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the midst of a romance with a wonderful young man I'll call Bob. I'm crazy about him, and we're planning on a future together. His parents are the nicest people in the world.

There is only one problem. They are both chain smokers, and secondhand smoke seriously irritates my lungs. It has made me so sick that I've been bedridden for a week.

Bob understands completely -- he's a nonsmoker -- and has talked to his mother and father at length about my sensitivity to smoke. They claim they're trying to stop and that they will not light up around me. But it's not happening. Every time I see them, they're sitting on the other side of the room with the windows open -- smoking.

Abby, I have tried to be nice about it. I love Bob and I like his folks. I don't want to lose him. What should I do? -- SMOKE-FREE IN THE DEEP SOUTH

DEAR SMOKE-FREE: Your health must come first. If they cannot master their addiction, under no circumstances should you be in a house, car or restaurant with them. If Bob loves you, he'll back you up.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and had been going with my boyfriend, "Chris," for only a month when I found out that my family is moving to Arizona at the end of August. When I told Chris, he said he didn't see the point of our relationship if I'm leaving, and he broke up with me.

My problem is I have very strong feelings for Chris, and I'm going to be here all summer. That's a long time. Chris and I still talk and have met casually on different occasions, but he thinks I should concentrate on getting ready to start my "new life" without him. What's your opinion, Abby? -- TEXAS "MISSY"

DEAR "MISSY": Chris may have a point. Maintain a friendship with him, but don't expect an exclusive relationship. Give him marks for being practical and rational. Stay in contact after the move. Who knows where things might lead when you are both older.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old military wife. My husband is in the Army and was sent to Korea almost seven months ago, one month after we were married.

As much as I love my husband, I'm afraid I jumped too quickly into this marriage. More and more I wish I was single and could have relations with any man I wanted.

Right now, two guys are begging me to get a divorce, and a third guy is after me. I'm actually considering the third guy's offer because my feelings for him are so strong.

My husband and I do not correspond often. Am I losing feelings for him because he's so far away and we seldom speak? Or am I just a sad and lonely wife who craves attention? Please help me, Abby. I don't want to hurt my husband. -- IN NEED OF LOVE IN INDIANA

DEAR IN NEED: Only you can answer those questions. Counseling can help you discover what's really going on. Right now, you are bored and frustrated. Another man might be a quick fix, but it won't eliminate the reasons why you want to be unfaithful to your husband.

Whatever answer you arrive at, I urge you to wait before disclosing your ambivalence to your husband. He needs all the emotional support he can get while he's away.

DEAR ABBY: On May 1, we observed our son John's birthday. He died last year of melanoma. He would have been 34.

Most people are aware that the first birthday, holiday or other significant day following a death can be a difficult, painful day -- full of sadness for family and friends. What many people do not realize is how important it is for surviving family members to keep that person's memory alive. Others might be reluctant to mention the loved one out of fear of the pain they might cause; however, we WANT to hear from friends and relatives on those days. It is comforting.

I was lucky because some of John's friends sent e-mails, and other friends and relatives called or sent cards. Although I shed a few tears, I also laughed. So if you're wondering what to do for those who have lost a close family member or friend -- especially a child or life partner -- don't hesitate to communicate and share some of your favorite memories and thoughts. It will mean a lot. -- LEIGH FROM PHOENIX

DEAR LEIGH: You have stated it beautifully. When someone dies, people are often at a loss about what to say. Just saying, "You are in my thoughts today, and I am sorry for your loss" can be enough. As long as the message is sincere, it does not have to be flowery.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I believe our 9-year-old son, "Andy," will soon ask us if we ever tried marijuana. I tried it in college and I think I should admit it. Grass made me laugh, but it also made me lazy -- and I was unable to concentrate.

My husband, on the other hand, doesn't want to admit to Andy we smoked grass in college. He's afraid if our son finds out, he will be more inclined to try it.

How do you think we should handle this? -- WEEDING OUT THE TRUTH

DEAR WEEDING OUT: Honesty is the best policy. Tell your son the truth, including how it made you lazy and unable to concentrate. As George Bernard Shaw once said, "If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a WARNING and not as an example."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker, "Kay," has the world's worst work ethic. She chats on the phone and e-mails her friends, plays games online, reads the paper, balances her checkbook all day long on company time.

Our office manager encourages us to work independently, so no one looks over our shoulders. My problem is I need Kay's daily reports and summaries before I can complete my projects. Every week I give her a list of deadlines but she disregards them. (She's too busy playing online solitaire.) When a deadline is missed, it becomes my fault, even though Kay is the cause.

I tried talking the problem over with our manager (without trashing Kay). Unfortunately, he didn't get the message and nothing has changed.

Coming to work used to make me happy. Now it fills me with dread because every day is a fight for survival. I am overwhelmed and swamped trying to overcompensate for my irresponsible co-worker. I'm tired of working my tail off while she messes around. Please help me resolve this in the most professional way possible. -- STRESSED-OUT IN OHIO

DEAR STRESSED-OUT: Talk to your manager again, and this time be direct. It's time to stop protecting the guilty. Your future with the company may depend on it.

Keep your manager current on the status of your work. This way, he will understand in advance that you're not being given the data you need to complete your task -- and it will provide some much-needed insight to management.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old man happily married to my wife for 22 years. Before we met, I had an intimate relationship with a college sweetheart I'll call Amy.

Last summer, on a whim, I wrote Amy to find out how her life has turned out. Like me, she's been happily married for more than 20 years. Amy and I have since exchanged e-mails, family photos and a few phone calls -- strictly platonic. We live on opposite coasts and have no interest in rekindling our old romance. We just want to keep in touch.

The problem: I made the mistake of telling my wife that Amy and I have been "catching up," and to my surprise she said I was acting inappropriately for a married man. Tell me, Abby: Just because I'm married, do I need to give up all contact with former lovers and friends? Sign me ... WRONGLY ACCUSED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: A lot of water has gone under the bridge since that college romance fizzled. Perhaps what has made your wife uneasy is the frequency of the e-mails and phone calls. Talk to her about it and see if you can reach a compromise. A card at holiday time would not seem inappropriate, but more than that does seem unfair to your wife, especially if it bothers her.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Alana," and I have been dating for three months. (She is 16 and I'm 18.) I am about to meet her parents for the first time. My problem is I have a 10-month-old daughter from a previous relationship. Should I tell them I have a kid? Alana says her mom and dad would make us break up if they knew. I like Alana a lot, Abby. What should I do? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: Meet your girlfriend's parents and let them get to know you for the wonderful person that you are -- but do NOT leave their house without leveling with them. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions about your obligations to the baby and the mother of your child. You should be given credit for honesty and for not hiding the truth.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)