Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost three years. Like every marriage, we've had our ups and downs. My husband constantly accuses me of having an affair. I've never given him any reason not to trust me, nor have I been with anybody else since we married.

He constantly asks, "Where did you go? Who did you go with? What time did you go? How long were you there?" I stay home all day so he won't give me the third degree.

On Fridays when he gets paid, he picks a fight so he can leave. He doesn't return until Sunday, and then half his cash is gone. During the week, he stays up until the wee hours of the morning, even though he has to get up at 5 a.m. for work.

Also, I have found pieces of burnt foil in his belongings, along with a straw. Once I even found drugs.

I pack my husband a good lunch every day. I'm loving and have his dinner ready when he comes home. I don't go anywhere or do anything. Please help me. I don't know what else to do. -- PRISONER IN SALINAS

DEAR PRISONER: You are either married to the Energizer Bunny, or your husband is using some kind of stimulant. The fact that you found drug paraphernalia is your first clue. The disappearing act he pulls every payday should be another. Among the side effects of stimulants are a short temper and paranoia. Your husband exhibits both behaviors.

Please understand that what is wrong in your marriage has nothing to do with you. If you love your husband, give him an ultimatum: Get off the drugs and get into a rehabilitation program, or his marriage to you is over. (Your doctor can give you a referral for rehab.) For your own mental health, you must be prepared to follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing because my 12-year-old daughter, "Dorothy," is pregnant for the second time. Due to our religion, we do not believe in birth control or abortion. We kept the first baby, but we're afraid if we keep the second, Dorothy will continue to have premarital sex. Should we abort this one or let her have this baby, too? Please reply soon. -- CONCERNED PARENT IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED: Whether your 12-year-old daughter should carry her second child to term is not a decision I can, or should, make for you. Because of her tender age, there could be medical risks involved. Take your cues from her OB/GYN.

It should be clear by now that your daughter is, and will continue to be, sexually active. Unless you intend to keep her under lock and key, she MUST be educated about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control. Since you consider using birth control a sin, please consider that it's a bigger sin to bring children into this world if you cannot educate and support them emotionally and financially.

P.S. You haven't mentioned how old the father(s) of these babies are. If they are more than four years older than Dorothy, she could be a victim of statutory rape, and you should notify the police.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and pregnant. My baby's father is a 35-year-old teacher at my school. He doesn't know I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll be mad.

My parents know I'm pregnant, and they are devastated. But they do not know who the father is.

I am having trouble sleeping, and I'm sick most mornings. What should I do? Please help. -- PREGNANT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR PREGNANT: You MUST tell your parents who the father is. You need their emotional support, and I'm sure you'll receive it once they understand what has happened. You should not have to tell this teacher about your pregnancy alone. Your parents, the principal and the local police should do it with you. If he does get mad, it should be at himself for betraying his trusted role as an educator and committing statutory rape. Please do not be afraid to speak up, and don't blame yourself. What your teacher did is criminal.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jessica," is a terrific teenager. She works hard in school and has a nice group of friends. She and her friends have never been involved with alcohol or drugs, largely because they have stayed away from the crowd that uses them.

Next year, Jessica is going off to college where beer and pot will be everywhere. I am concerned because, unbeknownst to Jessica, there is alcoholism in our family. My father started drinking heavily after we kids were grown and gone. He was never abusive or falling-down drunk, but he was alcohol-dependent. He'd fall asleep in his chair by 7 every night.

Mother finally confronted him, and although he never sought professional help, he managed to get his problem under control.

I'm not proud our family wasn't more up-front about Dad's drinking. Mom and Dad both wanted to cope with it privately, and although Mom confided in my brothers and me, it has remained a family secret.

I know alcoholism may be genetic, and I am torn about disclosing my father's history to Jessica. I want her to know she may have reason to be particularly careful about drinking, but I don't want to spoil her relationship with, or her respect for, her grandfather. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED MOM: For the valid reason you have stated, you must discuss the potential problem with your daughter. Since her grandfather faced his drinking problem and dealt with it, I see no reason why it would cause her to lose respect for him.

Another important reason you should bring up this subject is the reality of binge drinking on many college campuses. Some young people who are away from home for the first time go hog-wild and do foolish things -- like competing to see who can consume the most alcohol in the shortest period of time. The results can be fatal. Also, people stoned on alcohol (or any mind-altering substance) may make other unwise choices, such as having unprotected sex.

You are a caring parent, and you have a year to discuss these subjects with your daughter. Start now, and next fall you'll send her off knowing you have prepared her to the best of your ability.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Karen," met a boy on the Internet. I guess she felt she needed to talk to him because she called him on the telephone. Unfortunately, he lives in Spain, and she ran up an $1,100 phone bill. Karen had no idea it cost that much to call him, and of course she didn't ask for my permission.

I grounded Karen until she works off the debt, which will probably take six months. I also took away her phone and Internet privileges and made her quit the school volleyball team.

Karen has ADHD, so we've had some problems with her in the past. I don't want to overreact and make her rebel or run away like I did when I was her age. What I do want is to teach her responsibility. What do you think? -- UNHAPPY MOM IN OHIO

DEAR UNHAPPY: I don't blame you for being angry, but you have gone a little overboard. It's time to reconsider the multiple punishments you've levied on your daughter. You say you don't want to overreact or make her rebel. Yet you have cut off her contact with the outside world -- no phone, no Internet, no sports. I agree she should pay at least part of the phone bill, but as she does, you should gradually reinstate her privileges.

DEAR ABBY: You dispensed some wonderful advice in your Thanksgiving Day column. You wrote, "If you're feeling down and want an instant 'upper,' the surest way ... is to do something nice for someone else." I'd like to echo your sentiments and encourage your readers to keep the doldrums at bay by volunteering.

Volunteering not only benefits the recipients of service, but often the volunteer feels better as a result of giving back. Volunteering reduces social isolation and disconnection, boosts spirits, combats stress and builds stronger communities.

According to the most recent study by the Points of Light Foundation and Indiana University, respondents said that volunteering as a family improves communication, promotes positive values, emphasizes the importance of teamwork, teaches kids empathy, respect, friendliness and tolerance, and creates a new generation of dedicated volunteers.

Please encourage your readers who might be dreading this holiday season to volunteer. Giving to others is the best way to nourish your own spirit. -- ROBERT K. GOODWIN, PRESIDENT AND CEO, POINTS OF LIGHT FOUNDATION

DEAR ROBERT: Thanks for an inspiring reminder that the surest way to forget your own troubles is to do something nice for those less fortunate. The adrenaline rush you'll get is more powerful than speed, and the "high" is perfectly legal. Everyone has something to give, and the most precious gift isn't money -- it's TIME.

Readers, to find projects in your local communities or wherever you spend your holiday vacations, call toll-free (800) 865-8683 and enter your ZIP Code, or visit www.1-800-Volunteer.org. Families can find project ideas, activities for kids and other helpful resources by exploring the Web site. Since the holiday season is upon us, don't procrastinate. Reach out and grab the opportunity to help someone.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)